Essay from Thomas Cannon

Modern Mama’s Blog:

How to Hold a Lesbian Engagement Party

T Cannon

February 14, 2014

So your daughter has decided to tie the knot with her partner and you want to throw an engagement party to celebrate? We here at Mama’s Blog have the following advice that comes from having given such a party:

Consider the guest list-

Not everyone will be supportive of the engagement or believe that it is not a mortal sin against God. The going thought on this is to invite only those that approve of alternative lifestyles. However, we recommend using the invitations as a way for your daughter to come out without direct contact. Be careful, however, as Uncle Sidney comes from a time when Whitney was a boy’s name and will get visibly upset as the party slowly unfolds. The good news- he will leave in a huff and refuse to come to the wedding. The bad news- it will take him several minutes with his walker and swear like a sailor all the way to the door. The further bad news is you will have to drive him home and listen to his Eisenhower era rants.

Remain flexible-

When your daughter’s future mother-in-law arrives off her meds, have a plan to divert her to the den. Not the kitchen as “Babs” (as she insists on being called) will grab a knife and threaten to hurt herself. If this happens, be supportive. Don’t yell “Go ahead and do it already!” as that will turn her anger to you.

No Gifts

Let us say that again. No gifts. State this emphatically on the invitation. Otherwise your daughter’s more militant friends from the bar she spends too much time at will bring elegantly wrapped dildos. Also be aware that these are gag gifts. Do not then try to engage in a conversation about said dildos just to be polite. These gifts are merely a commentary on what society believes goes on behind closed doors.

Food

Little smokies are not repugnant to most women with lesbianism and we were reassured by several, but I still would not chance it. Other than that, serve food as you would for any party. Or as we did here at Mama’s Blog, have it catered. Just be aware that some caterers can be sensitive. They may turn away your business if you ask for a lesbian menu. This is just a request for something that apparently does not exist, but the caterer and her life partner could take offense to your simple mistake.

Guest lists addendum

Feel free to invite men. Inviting your ex-husband is a must. Especially, if you need him to divert some of his money away from his new tart to pay for the wedding. But have him come into town a few days beforehand to meet your daughter’s fiance. Otherwise when Dad arrives late and slightly inebriated from a rough flight, he will alternate between “I just want my daughter to be happy” and tearful stories about her ex-boyfriends. Speaking of these boyfriends, do not let them know of the party. Otherwise, they will crash the party with some ill-conceived notions of lesbianists. They will not know that offering to marry your daughter and her girlfriend is offensive and not what love in any form is about. You may also consider not inviting your brother who has a surprising number of comments in his head on this topic.

When your future daughter-in-law hands you her guest list, sit down and review all of the guests with both of her and your daughter. You will not know who is a friend from their softball team and who is “a ex-friend” whose presence could result in fight where the buffet table is overturned and your Cinnamon Orange Popovers used as weapons.

Clean up

You have a type A personality, but instead of picking up the astonishing number of empty beer bottles for a mostly female party, take time to talk to your daughter and advise her to reconcile with her fiance. Tell you are proud of her. Take off the rubber gloves you have on to wash the dishes that haven’t broke and hug her. Reassure her that parties for more traditional engagement parties often have as many speed bumps as hers did. Go get the sherry you’ve been nipping on all day and share a glass with your daughter and future daughter-in-law. Drink a good amount and get them to laugh together.

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