Essay from Christopher Bernard

Mass Murder Capitalism and the Infinity Trap

Author’s Note: I wrote this essay originally in the fall of 2020 and publish it here with a few cosmetic changes and updates. It seems even more relevant today, after the assassination of Brian Thompson, CEO of United Healthcare—a figure who was an example of a vicious healthcare system where it has finally been proven that when healthcare is driven by whatever “the market will bear” and the desire to increase “shareholder value” at whatever cost, the purveyors of that system will, at some point, irresistibly, ask the following question of their customers:

“How much is your health, your spouse’s health, or your children’s health, worth to you”?

And who will be surprised to hear the answer: “My health? My spouse’s health? My children’s health? Why, they are worth everything to me.”

And few will be shocked by the response from the boardrooms of the healthcare “industry”:

“Oh it is, is it? It’s worth everything to you? Really? Well then, good people—in that case, we’ll take everything from you! And thank you very, very much!”

It does not take long for the logic of this statement to become fully apparent when it leads to the next equally candid exchange, heard in the confines of many a winterized boardroom:

“We who are in the healthcare industry are in the business of making money—are we not?”


“Indeed we are.”

“And our job is to make even more money in every quarter than we did in the quarter before it, is it not?”


“Our shareholders will certainly let us know it if we do not!”

“And we have two ways, and only two ways, of making more money—we sell more of our product, or we decrease our expenses. Is this not so?”

“Never a truer word was spoken!”

“We can decrease our expenses by, for example, laying off workers.”

“And a good thing too!”

“Now, protecting the health of our customers costs money.”

“Indeed it does!”

“So—what, gentlemen, if we did not? After all, we can’t save everybody all the time even with every procedure under the sun, from aspirin to brain surgery. And we never pretended we could do so. Just read over our contracts!”

“You’re right there! And we’d save a lot of money!”

“We’d make a lot of money, you mean. But to ask the question is to answer it. Is it our problem if our customers, those innocent boobies, forgot to read the fine print in the policies they bought from us—the fine print that tells them we do not guarantee payment for all or indeed for any medical procedure we do not, in our infallible judgment, thoroughly and completely approve of? No! So, if we deny covering any given medical procedure, and they suffer, is it our fault?”

“Of course not!”

“If we deny covering any given medical procedure, and they go bankrupt, is it our fault?”

 “Never!”

“If we deny covering any given medical procedure, and they die, is it our fault!”

“What a perfectly ridiculous idea! (And anybody who claims otherwise we’ll sue to the ground for endangering our good name, our reputation, and, above all, our profits!)!”

“Exactly! They should have read their contract—and if they didn’t like it, they were FREE to go elsewhere—even though every healthcare insurance contract contains, by an extraordinary coincidence, exactly the same stipulations as ours does!”

(The board roars with laughter.)

One sentence below begins as follows: “We surveyed the death toll over the last half-dozen decades and more: from the tobacco industry to the opioid crisis, the fossil-fuel to the gun industry, arms manufacturers to social media….” I would now make a substantive change: “We surveyed the death toll over the last half-dozen decades and more: from the tobacco industry to the opioid crisis, the fossil-fuel to the gun industry, arms manufacturers, to social media, to our crippled, and crippling, healthcare system….”


*

A friend and I took a walk across downtown San Francisco that autumn day. We were wearing masks and keeping (at least most of the time) a medically correct six feet apart. After weeks of unbreathable air, stultifying heat, and an eerie day of pink burnt-orange skies, we could, finally, breathe cool, deep lungfuls of a briny marine breeze off the Pacific under a clear, almost tangibly blue sky.

The city was cautiously reopening: cafes and restaurants were allowed to serve at sidewalk tables or cheerful pavilions built on the streets and fenced about like little biergartens, stores could let in customers, masked and a handful at a time, and in a few weeks, museums would be allowed to reopen with safety precautions greenlighted by the city.

We had been spared the fates of many of our fellow Californians and others living in the Pacific northwest: the millions of acres of wildland burning, the conflagrations reducing towns to ashes, the thousand fleeing for their lives. It was only far south of us that the bodies of dead birds trying to migrate south for the winter were falling from the skies, littering the land by the hundreds, even thousands. The birds here, though sometimes confused by the long darkness of smoke-clogged skies and dawns that only end at sunset, were still flying, the crows that had begun to dominate neighborhoods like North Beach and Hayes Valley strutted cockily down the sidewalks.

Yet it was difficult to maintain one’s calm, even on a good day like this, when the world, even nature itself, seemed in the midst of a murderous rampage—despite the fact many of us saw it coming for decades, since humanity was its primary cause. So my friend and I both knew that our lovely walk through the perfect afternoon was only a pause in the terrifying year of 2020.

We talked about it—because what else was there to talk about? Disasters around us and a looming electoral catastrophe before us: Trump and the Republican Party had given ominous signals they were prepared to burn American democracy to the ground if they couldn’t claim victory in November. The climate crisis had been staring us in the face after two generations of denial by the powerful and their deluded followers. The economy was in a coma while billionaires became even more absurdly, obscenely, wealthy, and shareholders aspired to their condition of insouciant arrogance. There was a seemingly unstoppable run of racist police killings and, in response, increasingly violent eruptions of righteous fury. Social media were completely out of control, causing a tempest of despair in the young: loneliness, depression, bullying, suicides, at least one of these, goaded by some monster, live streamed to a shocked audience.

We surveyed the death toll over the last half-dozen decades and more: from the tobacco industry to the opioid crisis, the fossil-fuel to the gun industry, arms manufacturers to social media, and one of us suddenly came up with a truly horrifying thought: an entire layer of society is making money, deliberately, knowingly, purposely doing serious injury to people. Worse than that: they are making money from killing people . . .

There is a descriptive phrase for this that may seem on the surface sensationalist and hyperbolic. The phrase is “mass murder capitalism.” The Romans of the empire entertained the populace through, among other things, cheering on gladiators as they killed each other in the arena and applauding as Christians and other misfits were torched and crucified en masse. The modern world has learned how to kill people, when necessary to increase profits and drive up their share price. And people are killing themselves so that titans of social media can increase their stock price by a few points.

It is not altogether intentional (though one can make the argument that, in some cases, it is; how else describe the worst offenses of health insurance; of the fossil-fuel industry, which has been aware of the dangers of carbon-induced climate change since as long ago as the 1950s; or the tobacco industry, which has been murdering people for profit since the ’60s? If this is not “Auschwitz for profit,” what else might such a horrendous beast “look like”?

Yet the people who run the capitalist Juggernaut are hardly Nazis deliberately planning on murdering most of the human race so they alone can rule the earth. This catastrophic eventuality is merely part of a nefarious effect, an “unintended consequence,” of extractive capitalism. There is in fact a legal term one might use to describe it: manslaughter.

Voluntary manslaughter involves the intentional killing of another person in the heat of passion and response to provocation, whereas involuntary manslaughter is the negligent causing of the death of another person. Perhaps one might call the passionate pursuit of profits an instance of “heat of passion,” and the “provocation” leading to this crime passionel being the irritating habit of ordinary people not to get out of the way quite fast enough of the pursuit of the highest return on investment.  

Then there is involuntary manslaughter: killing people without realizing it, though one might, and indeed should, have known what you were doing could very well have such lethal effect.

But what do you call it when an “unintended consequence” has been revealed for all to see; when the fact that you are murdering people for the sake of ever-increasing returns is blatant, is even flaunted—and you keep on doing it anyway?

You would then be called a murderer. A first-degree murderer. And in America we have an array of specific punishments for that, from life in prison to the death penalty.

It may have been the tobacco industry that taught modern American capitalism that, as long as what an industry manufactures makes someone a great deal of money, it can get away with harming, even killing, in the long run, many, and even most, of its customers. The fossil-fuel industry was not far behind. Big pharma has been doing it more discreetly for years, to say nothing about what is sometimes suspected of for-profit hospitals. The arms industry has always done it for a living. The gun industry, with its front organization the NRA, is almost embarrassing in a hypocrisy that even its supporters don’t pretend to believe.

My friend and I dug around a little more. We were playing a mind experiment—what had we to lose? We might even develop one or two insights worth sharing with others more qualified and knowledgeable than ourselves, who might use them to have deeper, keener, and more valuable perceptions, genuine discoveries – something the rest of us can act on, even fight for.

There seemed to be something driving both the obsession with accumulating ever greater piles of cash that has no other purpose than acquiring more cash (money is useless for anything else, being inedible, ugly, and a hopelessly poor building material)—something called “hoarding” in other circumstances, and considered a medical condition requiring discreet but firm intervention, not celebration, social power, or political control by the syndrome’s victim—and, for example, the same thing that was driving some young girls to harm themselves, even kill themselves, as a result of the amoralism and cruelty found in social media.

They all share something we decided to call “the infinity complex” or infinity trap, depending on whether the internal compulsion or the outer effect is being emphasized – in either case, it is shorthand for a perverse fact about human psychology.

It is a well-known fact that we human beings feel less pleasure acquiring something we want than pain at losing something we have. There is also an addictive pattern to acquisition: the more we get, the less pleasure we often get from each equivalent addition, though this does not keep us from obsessively seeking the old thrill we remember from the good old days of our possessing minority.

Applied to the accumulation of money, cash, or “capital,” this translates into the wealthy becoming addicted to acquiring money without ever being able to attain satisfaction: they never have “enough”; they are always trying to add one more zero to the end of their financial balances, and to feel that little thrill that still comes with it. And avoid the pain of the loss of one, no matter how many zeros there already are in that quagmire of a financial account. And it is always possible, no matter how many zeros are already there, to add one more zero. Desire for money is infinite because the number series is infinite; thus, the infinity complex. And a wealthy man can never have enough once he is caught in the infinity trap.

Social media addictions have the same psychological source: a young girl (for example), who is naturally insecure and needs reinforcement from her peers to be reassured of her own value, gets a “like” on Facebook. All well and good. She gets more likes. Even better. She really likes getting likes, soon she becomes practically addicted to them—so much so that, at a certain point, when one of her posts, for some reason or for no reason, doesn’t get any likes at all, or even gets fewer than before, she feels a moment of panic . . .

Yet, no matter how many likes she gets, she becomes increasingly frightened she will not get as many of them next time. And what if she reaches the point of getting no likes at all? (Believe me, I know this can happen; more and more of my Facebook posts these days get no likes, and even I feel vaguely hurt and unsettled by this.)

Since most of this young girl’s social interactions happen online and not face to face, as a result her feelings about her own worth, which are insecure at best during these years, hang on the very thing that is making her miserable. She may easily spiral into feelings of despair, which she tries to cure by getting more likes on all her social media. But this makes her even more desperate. The addictive cycle has been secured; she too has fallen into the infinity trap.

For evidence of this, we learned that suicide rates of older teenage girls have doubled, and for younger teenage girls have tripled, since the first successful social media platform, Facebook, was introduced.

We have created an economy, a culture, and a society that exploit this weakness in human psychology to the hilt, all because it makes a small number of people a vast amount of money. It has reached the point where it is wreaking havoc on the young; it is destroying impoverished communities across the U.S. through opioid addiction; it has affected the health of several generations of people across the globe through tobacco addiction, and now is having a similar effect through vaping; it is ruining political and cultural discourse through a perpetual tsunami of misinformation inundating the internet—and most criminally and ultimately catastrophically, it is destroying the planetary ecosystem through global heating, destruction of natural habitats, and ripping to shreds the ecological network that makes human life on earth possible.

It is painful to admit this, and many will deny it or accuse me of exaggeration, but I believe the evidence has become too clear to remain silent. The core of world capitalism, which includes the fossil-fuel industry and all other industries connected to it, many internet companies, and big pharma, has become a global criminal syndicate, a Murder Inc. beyond the most violent and brutal dreams of any organized criminal network. And we have become addicted to an entire array of triggers that feed an insatiable human capacity: the drive never to be satisfied.

We must begin by ending the neoliberal project of global capitalism now. Not tomorrow. Not next year. Not in the next decade.

Or many more will die like the flocks of birds falling from the sky in their thousands over the southwestern states, like our fellow human beings, most of them innocent of creating this catastrophe, who are perishing from the heatwaves blanketing the world every summer and crushed beneath new forms of authoritarianism driven by a toxic blend of neoliberal ideology and information technology we have lost control of, to a conclusion in social psychosis and suicidal destruction.

____

Christopher Bernard is a novelist, poet, critic, and essayist. His book The Socialist’s Garden of Verses won a PEN Oakland Josephine Miles Award in 2021.

Poetry from Zuhra Ruzmetova

Central Asian teen girl in a brown and orange and gray vest and white blouse and black skirt holds a single red rose and stands in front of a tree.

🎄New Year🎄

New year is knocking on the door
We look forward to this day
Heart full of beautiful feelings
Bring joy to all years. 

It is unique to the world
Lights shine like fir trees
Santa and Snow White sharing gifts
He likes all children. 

We are looking forward to the new year
We welcome a new day
Forget all the sorrows
Do not leave us dreams. 

May the world be happy
Cheerful girls playing on the street
These happy days will not end
Having tasted the love of winter. 

Let's wait for the new year and wish for goodness
May our hearts shine like the sun
Hearts full of sweet dreams
Happy New Year everyone. 

               ✍️Ruzmetova Zuhra

Ruzmetova Zuhra Vyacheslavovna November 30, 2006 I was born in the city Urgench, Khorezm region. There are 6 of us in the family my father my mother my brother my twin and me. I am currently a student of the 11th grade of school no 14 in Urgench city. I appeared on the international website "Synchronized chaos" and I am the coordinator of the this international site. My poems have been recognized in more than 10 countries. Every week I am guest on Khorezm TV channel. I am the holder of badge "For the international Services"🎖by the bi wing poets writers Association. I am the winner of competitions of more than 100 national and international organizations. I have a B2 certificate of knowledge of the Turkish language. I have many future dreams and goals. 




Poetry from Nathanael Johnson

Portrait Of A Boy 

This poem starts with tears 

shaped like darts on my mouth;

Where the board is my tongue!

Underneath the surface,

A boy struggles with murdering a mosquito 

But always touch the neck of failure with a sharp metal

A boy has to hurriedly 

expel all the volumes of fear

& thunder courage outside for 

The community to acknowledge his manhood.

A boy doesn’t know the weight of wishes 

Until he climbs the mountain after adolescent

and the sky is no longer just house to rain;

The celestial becomes wing of the devil

that fans hades into every angle of his nose

The sun is no longer an ocean of warm fire 

but a lagoon of lava of suicide to bathe inside 

and success is no longer a seven-letter word

But a monster with seven horns, in several forms;

It could numb all the limbs of wish

or cremate will into dust and still name you weak

A father’s dream if it’s too late 

Is given without a choice to a boy

and he wanders with earth on his back 

Till the sole of his feet find hell or bliss

A boy thinks the sky is wide enough to house his wish

But the wind hand him a shovel when he crossed over. 

Poetry from David Sapp

Money

I’m delighted when I hear

A crinkling in my pocket

When I walk. I think

I’ve forgotten some money,

Surely a ten or twenty,

A distinguished portrait,

A little green man

Staring back at me.

Then I remember a scrap

Of paper from a grocery list.

At breakfast I scribbled

A thought, a letter,

The outset of something-or-other,

But nothing too moving.

I smile. I am happy.

This is grand.

The Evidence

Here, here is the evidence.

Listen! Pay attention

To a relentless repetition,

Of cruelty, of greed.

In the reign of the tyrant,

Let’s be unequivocal

In what we witness

Despite elaborate obfuscations,

Grotesque rationalizations.

Let’s not stand idly

Wringing pristine hands.

In the reign of the tyrant,

The benevolent king’s compassion

Suddenly a wistful memory,

We’ve lost our humanity.

Our homeless, our aged –

Our veterans plagued

With the images of both

Righteous and absurd war –

Our children, our children,

Suffer a little more,

Die a little faster,

Ostracized, marginalized,

Neglected, deported, all

In the reign, in the name,

At the whim, of the tyrant.

An Effort

The core of the Sunday paper

is not news: a glossy

circular, three pages of

Guns! Guns! Guns!

Sale! Sale! Sale!

a Christmas Spectacular.

Pretty, pink pistols for girls,

youth-action-lever for boys

(hyperbole unnecessary),

there’s no effort in squeezing

a trigger, a seductive little tug.

A child could do it.

However, enormous effort

is required to kill a man, or

an old man, a woman, a child,

so many in the ditches of My Lai,

so many at their desks at Sandy Hook,

our enemies, our enemies. 

This all takes time:

an effort to mine lead,

dig and move and sift and drain

the earth for steel, brass, plastic,

an effort, so much thought,

in drafting an efficient weapon.

Our efforts are clever

flying a young man

around the world to end a life

and irrevocably transform his.

Spare no resource. Spare no expense.

Such effort, such effort,

our expertise is astonishing.

Big Men with Big Machines

I got out of bed

To distinguish between

Verity and incubus.

Periodically, this dream,

In variations of anxiety,

Arrives abruptly and unbidden.

(What would Sigmund say?)

Drawn to my window,

I see men have come again,

Big men with big machines,

Loud and busy and blunt.

They produce a clipboard,

Papers with official signatures,

Authority indisputable but all wrong –

The crazy logic of the psyche.

There is chaos everywhere,

Mounds of dirt, sod, and rock,

As they dig an enormous hole,

Its width and depth terrifying.

My house teeters on the lip

Of the chasm, everything

I know, everyone I love

Will fall in, buried and forgotten.

And on each round of this 

Subconscious carousel,

I fail to comprehend why

I simply surrender,

More puzzled than troubled

Over my capitulation.

Three Curses

Ellen the secretary,

an unlikely sorceress,

more grandma than harpy,

squinted and poked

two fingers at the air,

an object of malevolence.

I was inclined to take cover

then considered a favor,

a handy malediction.

But she used her gift with

discretion, rarely exacting

curses in seventy-one years.

At the county fair, when her

daughter was muscled out 

of a ribbon for her rabbit

by another, pushy, rather rabid 

mother, the other kid’s bunny 

was dead by the end of summer.

When her quiet respite, 

an unobtrusive strand, 

egrets, herons, waves lapping,

but prime lakefront property,

was bulldozed, within the year, 

the condominiums caught fire 

and burned to the ground.

When her boss, a mean, petty

little bastard, endeavored

to eliminate her position,

he was diagnosed with cancer

soon after and nearly lost an eye.

Ellen the secretary.

Sexy Thing

I’m your sexy thing.

You leer, you lust,

Your desire, my pleasure.

I’m your ecstasy,

Your smutty reality.

All the good girls seethe,

My armor sheath

Stunning, steely, specious

Angles and curves.

I swivel my hips.

Saunter up your street,

And all the boys’ heads

Turn, instantly in love.

My tread is my power,

My dread silencing critics,

Clink, clink, clink.

Shamelessly I grind

Against your soft body,

Pierce your skin,

Snap your bones,

In mud, in sand, on brick,

Caen, Kursk, Budapest,

Prague, Tiananmen, Kuwait.

Ride me, fire me,

I’m such a blast,

My lurid muzzle,

My fiery retorts,

Boom, boom, boom,

Rat-a-tat-tat.

David Sapp, writer and artist, lives along the southern shore of Lake Erie in North America. A Pushcart nominee, he was awarded Ohio Arts Council Individual Excellence Grants for poetry and the visual arts. His poetry and prose appear widely in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom. His publications include articles in the Journal of Creative Behavior, chapbooks Close to Home and Two Buddha, a novel Flying Over Erie, and a book of poems and drawings titled Drawing Nirvana.

David Sapp, danieldavidart@gmail.com

Essay from Arjun Razdan

The Misanthrope

What is it going to make a difference to him if a drop falls from the sky or gallons? He has opened himself to the world, lying there under the canopy of the shop. He cares nothing about the world. It is all one and the same to him if streams flow around him or if he is deserted on an island floating amid all the flood. The question is whether this or that would make a difference to him. I saw a woman pass by, feeling sorry for him. She was out taking her dog for a stroll, she looked at him and she shook her head. She felt sorry for him and out came from her little purse a coin of €1? Is she better off or I am? Is it not a crime giving little to someone when giving much more could have made a vital difference? I am fundamentally indifferent, his life or not is one and the same thing to me, I avow my nonchalance. Is the matter with us that I think I am philosophically right? When a woman can give, and when she feels sorry for him, it is criminal to give only €1 which can make no difference to this man lying under a shopfront on a wet wintry night. If she feels sorry

for him, she must go all the way to assuage him, otherwise she is morally wrong. If she gives him a little alms, and is of on her way shaking her head and feeling sorry still glowing in pleasure almost from the volupté of hitting a child whom you wanted to correct. The fact of the matter is I could have given €1 but I did not, the woman could have given it and she did, I could have even given €10 had I wanted to, the woman could have given €10 as well, with some effort I could have gone on to €100, it would not have killed me, the way we were and the locality we live in, I do not think it would be any trouble to the Madame as well, then come to it, thinking very very hard about it and selling a few things, I would have been on to €1000, the Madame would not need to sell anything and she could give him the money and probably forget it in a few days, come to €10,000 there I would have to pawn myself, or think of an ingenious means, while the Madame she finally might need to sell something or break a deposit…beyond this we do not think. The point is clear: the Madame is guilty in giving him €1 when €1000 would have been no trouble to her, for me I am philosophically right, because his condition is of no interest to me, great curiosity perhaps, and I would like to see him do well for himself and bag more (and grander) aumônes from passersby, but there I repeat my point, philosophically I am in the right, I who had no rôle to play in the drama where as the Madame comes across as a self-aggrandising brat who needs to give to feel herself, whose only point of charity is not to be lost in the maze of accusations and critique she might feel herself downcast under.

The rain is oblivious, and I am oblivious, and that is the way of the world and there is nothing in it guilty or absolved. Darkness is oblivious too, in the tunnel as the rails hiss and the tiles clobber and two young girls call up to me their bottles of rosé wine in the hands. “Hey you your hair shines like my party dress, when I dress-up.” “See I did not use any cream, unlike you, it is just the rain.” “What are you saying?” “I said I do not need any substances, the rain is bad.” “Come join us, you seem to have nothing at hand.” “I’m not sure I want to spend my date with brats like you.” “Come join us, you fool. See two girls are calling you with their music, we even have wine for you.” We passed the whole night together. For five hours, I kept drinking with the girls with music

playing on their stereo and they kept asking me questions, one after the other. In the middle of the two of them, I would have been an elder brother, or probably a maître who shares the two. From time to time they played with my hair, somehow my dark hair had taken their fancy. I kept chiding them saying all the glues and glitters they use for the hair, while my hair was all natural, all good rain and old sun. They kept pinching me around the shoulders. Many times our legs brushed, I mean my knuckles brushed against their calves. That is when I proposed we go back to my house. I have a comfortable bed and I said one of the two of you at least can sleep on the canapé (that was just to elicit jealousy out of them). The girls agreed readily, and they kept on playing music and swerving as if we were a group of Bacchantes out on the parade. The only thing missing was ivy wreaths and staffs in our hands. Way into the night we walked, the rain having subsided a little bit though the streets still wet. It is then I realised how much we had drunk. They had three bottles at least, in the beginning, plus one huge bottle of rum that I got from my money and that I allowed one of the girls to go because I did not want to let go of the other (one of the two, at any rate). Finally we got another bottle of Get 27, and kept mixing it with soda. The girls were holding well, except now and then bumping into the shop fronts. It is then under the canopy of the chocolate shop, that I almost missed the beggar lying wide astride with his hands flying in every direction and his mouth opened up to the skies, one corner in which I saw a cheap €1 bottle of white wine. It is then I thought to myself the girls sure smell better than him.

Arjun Razdan was first published at the age of 20 (a poem called ‘Transformation’ in The Asian Age, New Delhi) for which he has still not received the montant of 2126 (minus taxes) due to him. Based mostly in Europe, especially France, this Kashmiri writer has been published in many countries including India, Pakistan, the United States, and Portugal, besides his home country. In collaboration with his friend and mentor, Farzdan, he has also written a food mémoire (L’Aau à la Zouche), a book of dialogues (Lettres à Mon Elève) and a long travelogue in the wild (An Everlasting Night).

Poetry from Mamazoirova Rayhona

Central Asian teen girl with long dark braided hair, brown eyes, and an embroidered headdress standing in front of blue and white national flags.

Flag

It flutters proudly in the blue 

Our heart is full of happiness 

If we show it, it will bring joy 

Red, blue, green, white 

Flag 

The star and the moon are in harmony 

A symbol of independence and beauty 

Rich in independent freedom 

Red, blue, green, white 

Flag 

Red color is blood in a vein 

The Prophet is a clear sky 

Every moment is blessed 

Red, blue, green, white 

Flag 

Pride of nations 

Prospective and great happiness 

A beautiful tree of a country

Red, blue, green, white 

Flag!

Mamazoirova Rayhona, a student of the 8th grade of the creative school named after Erkin Vahidov, Marģilon

Poetry from Kassandra Aguilera

Halley’s Comet

born in a land of static to piano
the feeling of a discomforting ease

looking up at the ceiling

almost as if you are looking up at your mistake.

“i don’t want it.”

my fantasies make me appear more truthful

when in our reality,

i can not convince myself to appear in your life anymore.

the drums in my soul get louder

my foolish heart can’t help to love you.

halley’s comet soars across the night

you watched it glow

i remained a shadow lost in our time

you chased wonder and watched it flow

i was far behind, couldn’t climb.

i tried to stay away

your laughter floats like sunlight on my walls

my heartbeat whispered secrets i could not tell

a hope entwined with fears.

each stare, a spark

the flame in my heart i shall not feed

i built these walls

you slipped through the crack

now love is a risk

and i can’t turn my back.

my brain refuses to close its blinds

the thoughts of not seeing you remain.

i could feel the bliss of a desire for nothing

now the only desire that burns

is the unachievable actuality of having you

i wish it didn’t feel that way.

in this cycle of time,

no love like this has grasped my place in this world before

only now,

in this timeline,

in our timeline,

i feel as if we were placed in this moment in time

for each other.

the drums vanish, the piano intensifies

my float in consciousness concludes

this body won’t move.

waves of my odd hearts situation shower me in panic

drenched in the tears of guilt.

i’m laying down peacefully

at the hands of my bed

my family unaware

that my state of sleep has danced away.

what am i to do?

if i can’t help to love you.