Poetry from Marc Carver

I had sex at five this morning
I never get as much as I would like
but probably more than what I deserve.
The red rooster is always up early
it wants to eat.
As the day went on people smiled at me
and for once it felt good to be alive.
Although, there is a long way to go
a long way in a day.
I wake up
to the disappointment
that I am still alive
anything could have happened to me
during my drunken sleep
aliens could have abducted me
bandits could have slit my throat in the wee hours
but no
here I am still
making a mockery of being alive
making life longer
at young women
hoping upon hope I could eat my breakfast off it
oogling butts.
So you see just that second before I wake
I truly, truly believe I could be dead

I looked up at the ceiling a few years ago
when my toilet worked.
I looked up while doing my business
I saw a spider on the ceiling
so I finished then got a pen
and wrote spider
on the ceiling
and put an arrow towards him.
Now when I looked up again I saw another spider
or it could have been the same one.
either way
it is good to see
that someone knows their place
I finished on the exercise bike
and went over to the beautiful young lady that worked in the gym.
Can I have a bit, I said
she looked at me her eyes bulging out of her head.
Can I have a bit I said and looked down at the spray she was holding.
She sprayed my tissue and went back to work.
                                      only later
it dawned on me
that she might of thought I was asking for something else
I felt shame
for the first time in a long time
like that dog that gets caught licking himself
and he looks at you with those big eyes
and says I cant help it but now I am shamed.
I am not sure I ever felt shame the way I do now
it could have been when I had to let the BT man in to do the line
or it could have been over things
I am not even sure where it came from
but I know
I will never feel the same again.
I am a child
a big and old and hairy child
I am more of a child now
than when I was a child
I knew that evil existed in the world
but chose to ignore it
now I know it has to exist
so I accept it
that is what makes me a child once again
the knowledge that
evil is real.
Give me just one
one moment of pure joy
pure love
just a needle’s head
a reversal of time
let it sink into my bones
that pure love
even if
it destroys me
I walked to the big aviary in the park
you could hear the noise of all those beautiful birds from miles away.
I walked right up to them
then as if they all hold just one voice
they stopped singing and were perfectly quiet.
I don’t know what they saw that so scared them
there was nobody else there but me
but they didn’t make a sound.
I went into the golden dragon in Chinatown
got a table for one
and ordered some food
but all the Chinese people got served before me.
I started to get hungry when six boxes of dim sum
made its way to a Chinese family
steam rolling off the top.
Their young boy kept staring at me.
Hey kid I know I am ugly I wanted to shout at him
but instead I winked a couple of times
Then I noticed the Chinese man with his wife staring at me
thinking I was winking at him.
I gave him a smile
and he looked away.
We are all fools
wandering around
doing things for no real reason
crashing off each other like snooker balls
hoping one day we may do something of brilliance
so everybody can say how great we are
only to realize
how unimportant it is to be recognised by others
even of greatness.
But on we go
trying to grasp onto that passing cloud
looking for something
trying to find something
but the secret is
it is never quite what we thought it to be.
My words are underlined by hatred
just under the surface
but holding them up to the light
their foundation
their tune
however much I would want them to be about love
where I see it
how I feel it
and even doves could come down
and fly off with one word at a time
all attached to each other like a kite
trumpets blowing.
I really, really don’t feel it