WHOLE

To be able to use

         Both hands

To

        WASH THE DISHES.

To be able to walk

Without having

To think about

       How to walk.

Since my stroke

Twelve years ago

I have been hemipelagic,

My left arm and left leg

Were left paralyzed.

Meaning that medically

I am considered

       Half

 Not

     Whole

Oh, to be Whole again

But in losing the use of my arm and leg

I have grown one appendage for

       Compassion

And another for

       Empathy

Although, because the stroke altered how

       I speak.

      I sound

       Gruff, short, and angry

To others

Despite being only

       Half.

I like

      And treat

Myself and others

      A whole

Lot

Better than

 I did before

When I really was

              Whole.

SUNSET WALK

On tonight’s unsteady sunset walk

The crows squawked, the crickets chirped, 

and even the blue birds were screaming at me

 to fall and die. 

To provide a bigger meal than the roadkill rabbit at the end of the drive.

UP ON THE ROOF

When my medications make me feel like jumping off a roof

I Can’t tell the difference between my emotions and the medications

How do I convince myself that it is 

The meds not me?

That my feelings are a chemical reaction.

Not a true reflection

 of my inner life

In time, after conversations with my wife, friends, and dog

I am able to distinguish my feelings from those generated by the drugs.

And I talk myself down 

“Stay off the roof, stay off the roof.” I tell myself as I lie in bed under a cover.

When I realize a fall from the roof

 will only make things worse 

and require more drugs

I settle down with the dog,

Fall asleep, 

and dream of flying.

ERIC BARR taught acting and directing at University of California, Riverside. He was the Founding Director of the UCR Palm Desert MFA in Creative Writing and Writing for the Performing Arts.

Barr has written in a number of different genres, from screenplays to poetry.  His work has appeared in Connotation Press and The Journal of Radical wonder. He was a co-writer on the feature film, A Thousand Cuts.

In addition to his writing, Barr worked as a theatre director and acting coach.   He was the Artistic Director of the Porthouse Theatre in Cleveland, taught movement for actors at the Stella Adler Conservatory of Acting in Los Angeles, and worked as an acting coach with the National Theatre of the Deaf. 

Since surviving a series of strokes Barr has written and performed his one-man show, A Piece Of My Mind”, about his surgeries, hospitalizations, and rehab around the country.  His podcasts on stroke recovery can be found at http/www.apieceofmymind.net