Quote of the day by Leo Tolstoy: ‘Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself’
Dearest Family,
I’ve sought God for as long I can remember. “You belong to God,” said my foster mother Dee. Therefore, I sought God. I came to recognize Him fully about three years ago, but I saw reminders of Him all my life.
What I’m going to share at the start of this testimony is by all accounts, a miracle to everyone who witnessed it: On December 5th, 2024, I started dialysis. Doctors said my kidney function was at 10.3, which meant my kidney function had stopped and without dialysis I would die of renal failure in about three to five days. I’ve since learned that this would be a very painful death over those three to five days. I was given what is called a comfort package upon admission to hospice on October 20th, 2025.
I had been on dialysis since December 5th, 2024. During those months, I regained my early sense of closeness with my Holy Father God. My earliest childhood memories involve sitting alone in Holy Redeemer Catholic Church. I sat and observed the votive candles burn, watching the candle on the altar that represented God’s presence. I walked the city street alone seeking God. Those streets were dangerous, dark, and frightening. Day after day, that turned into two decades on the edge of insanity. On many occasions I cried and prayed to God. Each tear stemmed from desperation and a sense of impending death, as I witnessed violence throughout those years. I witnessed dead people and the aftermath of shootings, and kids who had been hit by cars while lying in a pool of blood. There were many sights and sounds of suffering.
However, God saw fit to deliver me after twenty-one years of this not life, but death.
This deliverance was my first miracle, as some would say.
In 1985 I had been married five years. My wife at the time joined the Navy and I had access to mental health counseling. My first mental health therapist called my wife after meeting me for one session and told my wife I was suicidal and homicidal and needed inpatient treatment. I spent the next three decades in and out of mental hospitals.
Over those thirty years, each time I went in the hospital, there was a staff member within five feet of me to stop any attempts I might make to harm myself or someone else. I was placed in the seclusion room which was a padded room. I was put in five point restraints on many occasions. Additionally, there was Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) several times in those thirty years. There were countless sessions with therapists and psychiatrists along with group therapy. Yes, thirty plus years.
The hardest part was being locked on a mental psych ward and away from nature. I recall my first inpatient experience. I watched the Woody Woodpecker cartoon. In my first encounter into what would span over thirty plus years there was a woodpecker outside my window. The bird’s company carried me through many years of being locked up.
I’d loved nature and will take a brief moment to share an early memory. I was about eight years old or so. I laid on the lawn of my elementary school. On the grass were grasshoppers with tiny legs and bug eyes. Most comforting were the lady bugs crawling up my arm. In the very depths of violence and darkness I escaped while lying in the grass observing the open skies. This was taken from me on these locked units. In addition, I watched the brightness of the moon with the backlights of the dark skies. There was an enormous round brightness and the glitter of a sky full of stars. So, even in the darkness of the inner-city there’s light in the night skies of DC. This did not exist on these locked units, where I lay down with those five point restraints or in that padded room, eating with plastic utensils. You see, in this inpatient confinement there was more darkness than on the violent streets of DC.
I shall move on, my point is to share that God the Father gave me light from the beginning when I sat alone in the sanctuary of Holy Redeemer Catholic Church.
Fast forward to December 6th, 2025. On October 18th 2025 I had prepared myself to die within three to five days with the full understanding that the medical community said I would die by seven to fourteen days.
About two years ago I had open heart surgery and only took morphine about the first day or so. My focus and intent were on seeking God to be my only focus. Why wouldn’t I call out to my Heavenly Father? Twenty-one years I sought Him… Thirty plus years seeking Him. And a lifelong pursuit to find His Holy presence. You see, Dee told me that I belonged to God. Dee never lied to me and she never put restraints on me. I came and went with the guidance of the Holy Ghost, and although I didn’t know it at the time, I did know which streets to walk down and which to avoid. So, I had Dee’s trust and her faith that God watched over me and that God’s angels would protect me.
Yes, I was ready, as a friend said many decades ago: Blow this popsicle stand.
A second moment with God was worth seven or fourteen days of pain not greater than open heart surgery without morphine.
Note: You see I knew God’s Holy Comforter all my life. I knew when I was frightened and when I had been beaten up. In the fourth grade a bigger kid would beat me literally to the ground each day after school. So. Yes I know about physical pain and anxiety over the sounds of gunfire every Saturday night. I knew the darkness that was in the hearts of adults since childhood, and I held onto the memory of the grasshoppers and ladybugs crawling on me. I held on the the peace and quietness of suffering as communion with God at eight years old. Yes, I only knew God. I only knew to talk to Him and listen, just as I did for these last thirteen weeks, sitting quietly as I did in childhood to be patient. He would answer me because He never failed nor forsook me.
This day, January 17th, l’ve gone thirteen weeks without dialysis. My blood chemistry reveals yesterday what Dr. Warren told me on January 16th, that my eGFR kidney function is now sixteen and there’s no need for dialysis.
Closing testimony: I thought about how when someone is released from jail there’s parole and one must check in every so often. Then there’s a pardon which is complete forgiveness. Dr. Warren asked when I wanted to come in to see him.
However, I write this this early Saturday morning about the word pardon and forgiveness. Now I’ll share this thought: I pardon all who have harmed me because God the Holy Father has chosen me to be one of His Holy Messengers to share the Good News with all. In addition, He has brought me into His Holy Family and as Psalm 23, NIV, 23:5-6 says:
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Psalm 23
New International Version
Psalm 23:1-6
A psalm of David.
1The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
Michael a Devoted servant of the Lord for all eternity.
Saturday January 17th 2026
5:47am