Why Do You Keep Quiet At Me?

A long time ago 

I tried to press ‘Normal’ to the mode of the conversations I had with my parents,

I wanted everything to become normal again,

I wanted to start laughing again with them,

I wanted the joy of the child to come back again,

But none of the things I did worked out.

I tried many times 

Just to have my heart shattered again.

Mom was easier to manage 

But Dad was the most difficult 

Always bringing up the past

Always sounding so hostile 

And my fragile spirit suffered.

It happened for a long period of time,

Me trying to become a good child

And them being too difficult to placate.

Then I decided to stop.

I decided to stop trying so hard to please 

I decided to bar my soul from being wounded

I decided to start carving out joy for myself 

I decided to look for love elsewhere 

I decided to love myself,

Because for many years I had seen myself through the distorted views of my parents.

I had seen myself as someone who could never do the right things.

I had seen myself as someone who would be very unlikable.

I had seen myself as one who was very inferior.

I had seen myself as someone who was below the expectations they had for me,

So, on a good day, I decided to make peace with myself.

How did I do it?

I stopped to care about what anyone thought about me.

I stopped to crave for their love.

I distanced myself from people 

I no longer jumped into conversations 

I no longer laughed so hard.

I shielded my soul.

I became a bit rested,

Because I was no longer having arguments with my parents every now and then,

 Arguments that left me shattered and broken.

I was no longer having the exchange of bitter words.

I no longer allowed anybody’s bitter words to penetrate me.

But very soon,

My mom discovered how quiet I had become,

How taciturn,

How separated,

So she started sermons about the broom that is stronger when it’s in the bunch 

But becomes weak when it’s separated from the rest of the broomsticks.

I didn’t care.

Later her sermon changed to love.

‘If you don’t have love for your fellow human being, everything you are doing is a waste of time.’

I didn’t care.

Then one day she stopped being indirect and came directly to pose her question.

‘Why do you now keep quiet at me?

Why do hesitate before answering my questions?’

Silence.

I didn’t give an answer.

I just stared until she left the room.

What answer should I give?

They are the reason why I had become so quiet.

Isaac Dominion Aju is a Nigerian writer who has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize and Best Of The Net Awards. He’s appeared on international journals, including Poetry X Hunger, Kalahari Review, and Steel Jackdaw Magazine.