Previously appeared in Romance Buds, and Butterflies
Asha sashayed across the London tavern floor, looking every bit the exotic, strikingly beautiful Indian ex-pat. As she walked, men turned on their barstools to regard her, thinking, I’d like some of that. But Asha was not available, at least not to them.
Ignoring the others, she stopped at a table in the center of the saloon, where sat an 80-ish man, gray at the temples, and with a slight tremor in his hands. He seized his cane and made to stand up, but Asha held up her hand to stop him. “Don’t get up, Ari,” she said, taking a seat by his side.
Across the tavern, covetous men shook their heads, bewildered at Asha’s choice. “Have you been waiting long?” she asked. Ari shook his head no. He seemed to have difficulty speaking.
Suddenly Asha moved, leaning into Ari and throwing her arms about him and kissing him affectionately on the cheek. She squeezed him tight. The spectators in the bar rolled their eyes and tossed back their drinks, puzzled by the apparent attraction of the old man to the stunning woman.
“What’s that all about, Fahey?” a large, attractive man dressed in the garb of a construction worker asked the bartender. Fahey said, “I can’t say for sure where it began, Mike, but I’ve heard rumors from those that know one or the other of them. Ari was an upper class Brit in the colonial days. Some of them were right bastards but he was one of the good ones. He did what he could to help the locals. Asha’s family was quite poor, but Ari got her father a good job as a government bureaucrat. Got a good paycheck for signing papers, and making low-level decisions. As a result, Asha’s family and Ari’s socialized a lot. Asha’s family learned about Britain, and Ari’s family learned about India. When they first started socializing Asha was two years old, and Ari was a forty-year-old man with a wife the same age.”
“How old is she now?” inquired Mike. Fahey shrugged. “Around 40? Anything else you want to know?” he asked archly. The irony of the remark was lost on the other man. “Is she involved with the old man, or is she a…free agent?”
“My man,” said Fahey, with a knowing grin, “nothing in this life is free.” “How about you introduce us?” asked Mike. Fahey began to wipe down the bar. “You’re a little late,” he said. “You mean…” began Mike.
Fahey nodded. “They’re married.” When Mike looked lost, the bartender continued, “Ari lived in India until about ten years ago, when he began to get dementia. Ari’s wife, Mabel, moved them back to London to their old home so he’d be in more familiar surroundings. About five years ago, his wife became terminal and she contacted Asha and she came to the city almost immediately. She moved in with them and took care of them both. Then, a year ago, when Mabel died, Asha and Ari got married so that it was acceptable for the culture for them to live together. You understand?
Mike did understand, and gazed with compassion and admiration across the tavern at a true love story.
Abstract: This article examines discipline as a pedagogical and social phenomenon in Uzbekistan’s pre-school education system. It explores the impact of legal statutes, teaching practices, and cultural values on children’s behavior and moral development. Emphasis is placed on the interaction between educators, families, and institutional frameworks. The study highlights how consistent routines, positive reinforcement, and respectful communication shape early childhood discipline. It argues that discipline is not punishment, but a means to guide children toward empathy, self-control, and responsible citizenship. The article provides practical insights for educators and policymakers aiming to improve disciplinary approaches in early education settings in Uzbekistan.
Аннотация: В статье дисциплина рассматривается как педагогическое и социальное явление в системе дошкольного образования Узбекистана. Анализируются влияние нормативных актов, педагогической практики и культурных ценностей на поведение и нравственное развитие детей. Подчеркивается взаимодействие между педагогами, семьями и институтами. Исследование показывает, как постоянный режим, позитивное подкрепление и уважительное общение формируют дисциплину в раннем возрасте. Доказывается, что дисциплина — это не наказание, а средство воспитания эмпатии, самоконтроля и ответственности. Статья содержит практические рекомендации для педагогов и разработчиков политики в области раннего детского воспитания.
Annotatsiya: Ushbu maqolada intizom O‘zbekiston maktabgacha ta’lim tizimida pedagogik va ijtimoiy hodisa sifatida tahlil qilinadi. Bolalarning xulqi va axloqiy rivojiga qonunlar, tarbiyaviy amaliyotlar hamda madaniy qadriyatlarning ta’siri o‘rganiladi. O‘qituvchi, oila va muassasalar o‘rtasidagi o‘zaro hamkorlik alohida e’tiborga olinadi. Intizomni shakllantirishda muntazamlik, ijobiy rag‘batlantirish va hurmat asosidagi muloqot muhim rol o‘ynashi ko‘rsatiladi. Maqolada intizom jazolash emas, balki bolalarni empatiya, o‘zini boshqarish va ijtimoiy mas’uliyat sari yo‘naltiruvchi vosita sifatida baholanadi. Amaliy tavsiyalar pedagoglar va siyosat ishlab chiquvchilar uchun keltirilgan.
Discipline is a fundamental component of any educational system and a key mechanism in shaping children’s behavior, values, and attitudes from early childhood. In Uzbekistan, pre-school education serves as a foundational stage in which discipline is introduced not only as a social necessity but also as a pedagogical aim. Pre-schools are often children’s first formal social environment beyond the family, making them vital platforms for social and moral education. Here, discipline evolves beyond mere obedience to become a holistic process that fosters emotional, moral, and cognitive development. This article examines how discipline operates within the legal and educational framework of Uzbekistan’s pre-school system and evaluates how educators and parents collaboratively instill socially responsible behavior in children.
Discipline in educational theory is generally regarded as the structured means by which children learn self-regulation, acceptable behavior, and respect for social norms. Prominent educational thinkers such as Rousseau, Dewey, and Vygotsky offered unique interpretations of discipline. Vygotsky emphasized the social roots of development, arguing that discipline is acquired through interactions with adults and peers. Dewey viewed the school as a miniature society where children learn cooperation and responsibility through experience. These theories support the idea that discipline should not be punitive but should guide children toward internalizing values and developing autonomy.
From a sociological perspective, discipline is a process of integrating the individual into society. Children grow up surrounded by cultural expectations, and discipline helps them navigate these norms. In Uzbekistan, social traditions emphasize respect for elders, humility, and cooperation. These values are reinforced in pre-school environments, where educators model appropriate behavior and social expectations. Through structured routines, peer interactions, and guided play, children learn to internalize the behavioral standards of their community. Teachers thus act not only as educators but also as cultural transmitters.
Pedagogically, discipline aims to create an environment conducive to learning, cooperation, and personal growth. In Uzbek pre-schools, discipline is embedded in the structure of the day—through scheduled activities, routines, and consistent expectations. Teachers employ strategies such as positive reinforcement, storytelling with moral messages, and structured group activities to help children practice patience, empathy, and self-control. Discipline is seen as a proactive process where children are encouraged to understand the consequences of their actions and learn problem-solving skills through guided reflection.
Teachers in Uzbekistan’s pre-school institutions are central to implementing effective disciplinary strategies. Their training includes modules on developmental psychology, behavioral management, and conflict resolution. Teachers are encouraged to use age-appropriate, respectful methods to guide behavior, such as storytelling, songs, role-play, and visual cues. A key component of their role is emotional modeling—children observe how teachers react to stress, resolve disputes, and interact with others, and they often mirror these behaviors. Thus, teachers must demonstrate calm, fairness, and empathy to foster the same in their students.
Discipline is most effective when schools and families work in harmony. In Uzbekistan, there is strong cultural emphasis on family involvement in child upbringing. Parents are regularly engaged through meetings, home-school communication diaries, and parenting workshops. Many families uphold values that align with school expectations, such as obedience and community orientation. However, discrepancies between traditional parenting methods and progressive educational approaches can create tensions. For instance, some parents may expect stricter discipline, while schools promote positive, non-punitive strategies. Effective collaboration and family education programs help bridge these differences.
Modern educational philosophy increasingly supports child-centered approaches that emphasize positive discipline. This method focuses on understanding children’s perspectives and guiding their behavior through dialogue and empathy. In Uzbek pre-schools, positive discipline might involve allowing children to make simple choices, engaging them in rule-making, and encouraging peer-to-peer problem-solving. For example, instead of scolding a child for interrupting, a teacher might explain the importance of taking turns and praise the child for showing patience. This encourages internal motivation and fosters emotional intelligence.
Field observations in various Uzbek pre-schools illustrate the practical application of discipline in everyday learning. In one example, teachers used a “feelings corner” equipped with toys and emotion cards to help children express their moods and resolve conflicts. Another school implemented a peer helper system where older children modeled appropriate behavior for younger ones. Daily routines included storytelling sessions focused on moral lessons, cooperative games, and structured transitions between activities. These practices show that discipline is not treated as a separate activity but is integrated into the overall learning process.
Despite progressive policies and practices, several challenges remain in implementing effective discipline. Large class sizes can make individualized attention difficult. Some teachers, particularly in rural areas, lack access to continuous professional development in child-centered techniques. Furthermore, traditional disciplinary methods such as verbal correction or shaming still persist in some settings. Without strong monitoring and support, it can be difficult to shift from authoritative models to more empathetic, educational approaches. Addressing these issues requires policy enforcement, teacher training, and cultural awareness.
Discipline within Uzbekistan’s pre-school education system serves as both a socializing agent and a pedagogical foundation. It reflects cultural values, legal standards, and educational goals aimed at raising morally responsible, emotionally balanced, and socially aware children. With ongoing reforms and greater collaboration among educators, families, and policymakers, discipline can continue to evolve toward more compassionate, child-centered practices that support holistic development.
References
Abdullaeva, G. (n.d.). Child psychology and education: The Uzbek perspective. Tashkent State Pedagogical Press.
Ahmedov, D. (n.d.). Educational reforms in Uzbekistan: Foundations and progress. Samarkand Academic Press.
Akhmedova, S. (n.d.). Developing emotional intelligence in early childhood. Bukhara University Press.
Alimov, R. (n.d.). The cultural dimensions of discipline in Uzbek society. Andijan Cultural Studies Press.
Baxromova, N. (n.d.). Family involvement in early childhood education. Ferghana Education Press.
Dustova, M. (n.d.). Integrating positive discipline into the Uzbek curriculum. National Pedagogical Review.
Islomova, Z. (n.d.). Teachers as role models in pre-school education. Tashkent Early Childhood Journal.
Juraev, K. (n.d.). Social norms and moral development in Uzbek pre-schools. Regional Educational Research.
Karimov, B. (n.d.). Legal frameworks for pre-school education in Uzbekistan. Tashkent Legal Studies Press.
Mamatova, F. (n.d.). Classroom management strategies for early years teachers. Namangan Teacher Training Series.
Nazarova, D. (n.d.). The role of routine in child development. Central Asian Pedagogy Review.
Rashidov, S. (n.d.). Parenting styles and discipline in Uzbek families. Journal of Social and Family Research.
Tojiboyeva, O. (n.d.). Pedagogical innovations in Uzbekistan’s pre-schools. Modern Education Series.
As an educator, Nazarova Moxiniso is deeply interested in preschool pedagogy, child development, and innovative teaching practices that support holistic education.
“Faith is the bird that, when the dawn is still dark, feels the light..” — Rabindranath Tagore
PREFACE
In the brownian traffic of cosmic thought, few, very few indeed, are the voices that shine with luminescing clarity -Rabindranath Tagore and Jernail Singh Anand are two of them. Although they are many years apart, they are brought together in the spiritual and poetic sphere of existence, where their philosophies, ethics and aesthetic minds intermingle in a metaphysical quest. This meeting is not a mere dialogue of minds, but an eavesdropping of two souls: two souls that are committed to truth, to beauty and to human advancement. Bengal’s mystic bard meets bio-textual consciousness sage of a later age; Tagore and Anand speak across the time and space of centuries and continents.
MONOLOGUE BY TAGORE
I am the hushed tone of the break of day.
My words are drawings in the air, my grief and my joy have come and met.
The universe is not a problem to be solved but a poem to be sung. In every flower’s whisper, in every beggar’s palm, I see the face of the Infinite.
Not to teach, but to wake. The soul is not a lesson but a dance.” Oh Earth, with fire let me kiss you, and in your embrace vanish.
HAIKU
Waves of morning light
caress the soul’s silent shore
—truth blooms in stillness.
MONOLOGUE BY ANAND
I am the pen of the hopeless, the scream of the battered Earth.
My ink suffers of time, my pen mourns.
The truth is not a relic, it is a cry. I’m moving with some prophets/ eating with the orphans.
I saw my thirst mirrored, there in Whitman and Puran Singh. In the mirror of Whitman and Puran Singh, I found my thirst; I learnt my thirsting. Out of this thirst, I forged the theory of Bio-Text—where blood and word can no longer be told apart.
APHORISM
“The poem is written by the world whispering through the soul, not by the poet.”
DIALOGUE BETWEEN TAGORE AND ANAND
TAGORE: Do you write with joy, Anand, or with wounds?
ANAND: I write because wounds have learned to sing. And you?
TAGORE: I sang before I knew what sorrow meant. Then sorrow became my scale.
ANAND: We have walked the same riverbanks, then. I named the stream Bio-Text. You called it Gitanjali.
TAGORE: And yet, a longing for the Divine in the human, the current is the same.
ANAND: The poem is our proof, our protest, our prayer.
TAGORE: If truth be told. The poet speaks, even in silence.
ANAND: And the poet restore to health, in suffering.
TAGORE: Like bread among seekers, then let our ink be shared.
SYNTHESIS
In their dialogic dance, Tagore and Anand, unveil the poem as a sacred act: both offering and resistance, both vision and balm. The mystic and the reformer merge into a single pulse of conscience. Their words, whether sung or bled, form a liturgy of hope in the age of dissonance.
PARALIPOMENON
The play takes the form of a dreamed conversation between two great poets who write in right-minded, spiritually questing ways. The form transitions seamlessly blip by blip from monologue to dialogue, aphorism to synthesis, and calls to mind Tagore’s transformative mysticism and Anand’s existential activism. The haiku is a frozen breath of union, and the aphorism is the metaphysical embodiment.
AUTHOR
Mauro Montacchiesi is one of the leading Italian intellectuals, multi talented and multi awarded author, ex President of the A.I.A.M. International Academy of Modern Art in Rome.
DR. ANAND:
Dr. Jernail Singh Anand, with an opus of 180 plus books, is Laureate if the Seneca, Charter of Morava, Franz Kafka and Maxim Gorky awards. His name adorns the Poets’ Rock in Serbia. Anand is a towering literary figure whose work embodies a rare fusion of creativity, intellect, and moral vision. He’s not just an Indian author but a global voice, challenging readers to confront the complexities of existence while offering hope through art and ethics. If Tagore is the serene sage of a colonial past, Anand is the fiery prophet of a chaotic present.
PRODUCTION OF SMART SUPERABSORBENT POLYMERS FOR SEALING CRACKS AND INCREASING THE STRENGTH OF CONCRETE STRUCTURES
Dean of the Faculty of Chemistry, Termez State University: B.A. Kholnazarov E-mail:baxodir.xolnazarov@rambler.ru Student of the Faculty of Chemistry, Termez State University: Jo‘rayev Ulug‘bek E-mail:ulugbekjorayev901@gmail.com
Abstract
This scientific work is devoted to studying the production of smart superabsorbent polymers (SAPs) and their integration into concrete mixtures with the aim of solving the problem of cracking in concrete structures and extending their service life. The study analyzes the hydrophilic properties of SAPs, particularly their ability to absorb and retain moisture from the surrounding environment and how this contributes to sealing microcracks and capillary voids within concrete. Furthermore, it demonstrates through practical experiments how the self-healing properties of these polymers enhance the structural integrity and water resistance of concrete.
The paper outlines the synthetic production methods of SAPs, their granulometric composition, chemical stability, and interaction with concrete. The final results serve to improve the long-term durability of concrete products, reduce maintenance costs, and contribute to the development of environmentally friendly innovative building materials. Moreover, SAPs help retain moisture within the concrete, thus supporting the continuation of the cement hydration process.
During the study, various SAP brands, their physicochemical properties, optimal dosages, and methods of integration into concrete mixes were examined experimentally. The results showed a significant improvement in crack resistance, water durability, and strength of concrete samples containing SAPs. This innovative approach enhances the reliability of building materials and extends their service life.
Keywords:
Concrete structures, crack sealing, smart polymers, superabsorbent polymers (SAP), self-healing materials, strength, hydration process, water resistance, innovative construction materials, concrete composition, crack resistance, polymer additives, service life of concrete, construction material innovation, SAP technology, microstructure enhancement, environmentally stable materials, variable humidity conditions, technological additives, mechanical properties of concrete.
Introduction
Today, in the construction industry, requirements such as durability, strength, and long-term performance are of crucial importance. In particular, ensuring the structural stability of concrete constructions remains a pressing issue. Although concrete is one of the most widely used construction materials, it is prone to the formation of internal and external microcracks over time due to various factors. These cracks weaken the structure, lead to corrosion, and shorten the service life of the material.
Therefore, developing technologies that allow concrete to self-heal and automatically seal such cracks is a significant goal. In recent years, smart materials—particularly superabsorbent polymers (SAPs)—have emerged as a promising solution, attracting increasing attention from the scientific and technical communities. These materials can absorb and retain environmental moisture and expand in volume within the concrete to fill cracks as they form. Additionally, by promoting continued cement hydration, SAPs enhance the internal structure of concrete.
This study focuses on producing such SAPs, investigating their properties, and evaluating their practical application in concrete mixtures. Despite the widespread use of concrete, one of its main disadvantages is the development of cracks due to internal pressure, temperature fluctuations, or external loads. These cracks reduce the mechanical strength of concrete and make it more susceptible to external influences, ultimately decreasing structural reliability and increasing repair needs.
Modern construction material technologies offer innovative approaches to solving this issue. In particular, the use of smart materials such as SAPs to develop self-sealing mechanisms in concrete is gaining significant interest. These hydrophilic polymers react with moisture in concrete, expand in volume, and effectively seal cracks. Moreover, they support the continued hydration process of cement, thereby strengthening the internal structure of concrete.
This research provides an in-depth analysis of the use of SAP technology to enhance the strength and crack resistance of concrete.
Materials and Methods
Materials: In this study, the following materials were used to improve the crack resistance and strength of concrete mixtures:
Portland Cement (CEM I 42.5N): A high-quality binder and the main component of concrete.
Natural Sand (0–2 mm): Ensures uniform mass and density of concrete.
Crushed Stone (5–10 mm): Enhances the mechanical strength of concrete structures.
Superabsorbent Polymers (SAP): Self-healing polymers that absorb moisture and expand to fill cracks.
Clean Water: Required for cement hydration and activation of SAPs.
Plasticizer (polycarboxylate-based): Reduces viscosity of the mix and improves workability.
SAP Stabilizer (if needed): Controls excessive swelling of SAPs and ensures even distribution in the mix.
Methods: The following tests and experimental methods were applied to assess the crack resistance and mechanical properties of concrete and to study the effects of SAPs:
Preparation of Concrete Mix: Concrete mixes were prepared according to the GOST 10181-2014 standard. SAPs were added in amounts ranging from 0.1% to 0.5% of the cement mass. All samples were prepared under identical conditions using the same components.
Determining Water Absorption Capacity of Polymers: The water absorption of SAP samples was measured using the gravimetric method: pre-weighed SAP samples were immersed in distilled water for 24 hours, and weight increase was recorded.
Compressive Strength Testing: The compressive strength of concrete samples was tested at aging intervals of 7, 14, and 28 days following GOST 10180-2012 standards. Each test was conducted three times, and average values were calculated.
Crack Sealing Evaluation: Pre-cracked concrete samples were stored in a humid environment. The extent to which SAPs sealed the cracks was observed microscopically. Changes in crack width and depth were monitored over 28 days.
Water Resistance and Capillary Absorption Test: Water permeability of SAP-modified concrete was assessed using a vacuum chamber absorption test.
Microstructure Analysis (Structural Study): The internal structure of the concrete was analyzed using Scanning Electron Microscopy (SEM) to study the distribution of SAPs and their effect on hydration.
Production of Superabsorbent Polymers (SAPs)
Superabsorbent polymers (SAPs) are hydrophilic polymers capable of absorbing and retaining large amounts of water. These are typically based on acrylic acid and its derivatives and are produced using specific chemical processes. The production process involves the following key stages:
Monomer Preparation: The main raw material for SAPs is acrylic acid (CH₂=CHCOOH). It is neutralized using agents such as NaOH, adjusting the pH to the 6–7 range.
Polymerization Process: The neutralized acrylic acid is mixed with a small amount of cross-linker (e.g., N,N′-methylenebisacrylamide) and an initiator (e.g., ammonium persulfate or sodium persulfate). These components initiate a radical chain polymerization reaction, usually carried out in an aqueous medium at 50–70°C.
Gel Formation: The resulting polymer forms an elastic gel with a cross-linked structure, capable of absorbing large volumes of water.
Drying: The fresh SAP gel is dried completely using a vacuum oven or a low-temperature dryer, resulting in a solid yet hydrophilic polymer granule.
Grinding and Sieving: The dried SAP is ground using a crusher and sieved to achieve the desired particle size (typically 100–800 microns). These granules are then added to concrete mixes.
Quality Control of Finished SAP: The final SAP product is tested under laboratory conditions for its water absorption capacity, density, swelling recovery, and thermal stability.
I’m up early, early enough to watch the night slip away.
As always, I’m at the bottom of a mountain.
As always, I am non-committal as to my first step.
I just sit here as new sun nudges away bits of shadow.
I amuse myself with straight lines because I can’t see where
the bent ones go. Coffee begins its occupation of my veins.
My eyes roll around my face, then settle in their sockets.
The cat, with a chrysanthemum in its lapel, rubs my ankles.
The mountain is descending itself. At hill height,
it looks up and, with mighty breath, blows its own head off.
Then it flattens out. I can walk across it.
Light enters the room, is selling uncut flowers.
Above, one sky stands in for all the skies that could be.
It’s the ceiling, like a canvas, where, in a far corner,
a solitary spider signs his name.
NEW MORNING
On a new morning,
the reds, burnt oranges,
of dawn,
fade into fresh light
that becomes
the final arbiter
of stale darkness
and black sky gives way
to pale blue
and downy clouds,
as trees
flap in the brief
flute notes of the breeze
and sunrays
burn away
tiny drops of
water on the grass tips,
wake the flowers,
draw out the petals
from their nighttime fold.
THE WORLD OUTSIDE WHERE IT BELONGS
I am awake, fingers slow burning as they grip hot coffee, heart, a Geiger counter finding love in your still sleeping body, and, on the other side, brain pecking through the grievances already assembled in my thoughts, in the newspaper glaring from my laptop.
The world is a sorry place but the people in it find such comfort in nothing more than a shape in the sheets, a soft breath contesting the solid headwinds of my own. Strangers die but loved ones live. Soldiers kill but no harm comes to those in bedrooms.
Soon, you too will rouse from sleep and dreams, reconvene with what keeps you up at night: the wars, the inequalities, the murders, the rapes, the homeless in their winter blues.
It’s a dangerous world. We are safe. Life turns ugly. We are beautiful. Others are what we read about. We’re what we believe.
John Grey is an Australian poet, US resident, recently published in New World Writing, River And South and The Alembic. Latest books, “Bittersweet”, “Subject Matters” and “Between Two Fires” are available through Amazon. Work upcoming in Paterson Literary Review, White Wall Review and Flights.
He hung upside down on an aluminum frame bed, my friend Victor at the Austin Seton Hospital. Sores covered his body. The nylon straps that held him in place didn’t touch many sores and were supposed to make it possible for most to heal. Victor was on morphine drip for the pain.
The man had grown up in a poor aristocratic family in Mexico. His father had a small hacienda that he sold soon after Victor grew up. Victor figured America might be a better place for a man that loved the study of philosophy. He drove a taxi in Austin for Roy’s, but spent the majority of his hours at the philosophy table in the UT Student Union arguing existentialism and the absurdity of life. Victor carried worn and fat Spanish translation of Jean Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness. He had a rubber band around it to hold the book together.
My former wife Brenda kindly provided him a room to live so he could get his act together, but after a year she told him he’d need to leave. He ended up living in a tiny one room place in Clarksville neighborhood and that’s where the sores developed. He was not taking his insulin for his diabetes, not bathing, and not eating much. Victor ignored the sores and never went to the doctor.
Victor was tall, thin, bearded and neurotic like I was. We both looked like we stepped out of a Woody Allen movie.
So now Victor was hanging upside down at Seton Hospital. I had come to see if I might help. I sat in a low chair next to his bed, bent over, my head turned up as much as possible to see and talk with him. It was not a position I could maintain. I saw in his face the befuddlement and despair, now much worse because of the pain.
Victor had been married to a hippie American woman who had renamed herself Miracle. I met her once. She was trying to make a living growing and selling wheat grass. For a short while wheat grass was the miracle food to save the planet. They had a daughter named Star who lived with Victor and was tall and blonde like her mother. Star tried once to get me to write a high school essay she needed to turn in the next day. His former wife had more difficulty surviving than Victor. She had transferred daughter Star and son Daniel over to him to bring up.
A year ago the daughter had gone on her first date. The boy took her for a ride through the lovely Texas hill country. The car did not complete a turn and went off a high hill into a deep valley.
Both these beautiful seventeen-year-old children died. I remember Star’s funeral under a canopy in the September heat in a Round Rock cemetery. It was called a celebration of life.
The son Daniel was too broken up to come to his sister’s funeral. The boy was just a sophomore but a star player on the Austin High’s soccer team. The father had found the Clarksville apartment so his son could go to the best public high school in town. How they all fitted into that one room apartment I can’t imagine.
Victor looked down at me as I tried to look up at him. For a long while he did not speak, then he said quietly, “Kill me.”
I jumped up from the chair I sat on and moved toward the door. The words struck deep. To lose a child was the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Victor’s chances of surviving I’d been told were poor. I wanted to help. We had spent a lot of time talking together down at my bookstore. I knew he was poor and didn’t mind that he never bought anything. Sometimes he’d bring me a cup of coffee. This was around 1982 when downtown Austin was being torn up. Sidewalks were widened, parking spaces were decreased, and trees were being planted along Congress Avenue. Flagstones were replacing the old sidewalk concrete. Changes were in the air. The Austin I knew and loved was beginning to become something else, a place not for intellectuals like Victor and I, a computer place that would soon be full of libertarian millionaires.
But then I saw a flash arrogance on Victor’s face, followed by a touch of delight. He was testing me, pushing me. He felt a certain power. Victor wanted me to cross a terrible moral line and did not seem to care if it would haunt me forever.
“Kill me, please,” he repeated, even more intensely.
What was there in the room to kill him with? He wasn’t plugged into any machine I could turn off. The nurses would call the police. I’d be arrested. I could spend a long time in jail. I might even be executed.
I sensed he was enjoying the game, even in his awful pain. I looked up again to where Victor was hanging and saw for a moment the body of an alligator. His head was an alligator’s head with big grinning teeth.
“No,” I finally said. “I can’t. You could recover.” I started crying, got up and walked away again. I was crying for Victor and for myself. I was crying even for the alligator.
I’d been living in the bookstore’s basement on four hundred a month for over a year. Roaches would come down the hall from the sump pump and crawl onto my legs. I did not own a car. It had taken me an hour to walk to Seton Hospital on a cold November Sunday while my wife worked the store.
On the way back to the bookstore my rebellious mind started whispering, ‘What would Jesus have done? Could Jesus love a man enough to kill a dying person if asked by the dying person?’ I thought of Sunday school as a ten year old back in the suburbs of San Antonio.
No, I decided. Jesus had died to save all humankind, not for one person. Jesus would have healed Victor’s sores. Snap. Just like that.
Too bad Jesus wasn’t around now.
I was no longer close to Jesus, but we did talk now and then, especially as I was drifting off to sleep.
Victor died two months later while on a private plane flying back to Mexico. He was asleep and slid into death in spite of the pain.
I try to focus on the good times with Victor down at the bookstore, on our great conversations about absurdity and how to make a good life, as we waited for a customer to come in.
It’s twenty years later now. I moved to Chicago ten years ago to manage computers for Chicago Trust Bank. I remain a little guilty I didn’t do what Victor demanded. I could have relieved his terrible suffering. Maybe the arrogance and delight I saw in his face was not there. Maybe my mind wanted to see those things in order to get me out of the situation. The alligator, after all, wasn’t there.
I don’t understand the tragedies of this world. I fear the alligators and understand why people turn to Jesus. Onward I say, through the guilt! Find the pleasures life can give. I am married now and have two children.
