The Genesis of Trumplandia

In the beginning Donald remodeled the heavens and the earth. And the heavens were sublimely beautiful and the earth was a pleasing place, but Donald was without form and void, and he hovered like a shapeless cloud over the deep.

And Donald said, Let there be Darkness. And there was darkness.

And Donald saw the darkness, that it was bad, real bad, and Donald divided the darkness from the light.

And he called the darkness day and the light he called the night. And evening and midnight were the first day.

And Donald said let there be a really classy casino town on an island, like Atlantic City, but one that doesn’t go bankrupt this time, in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters, you know like a martini before you shake it.

And Donald made the really classy casino island town and divided the waters which were under the island from those which were above, where Donald of course would be living in the penthouse.

And he called the really classy casino island Heaven. And evening and midnight were the second day.

And Donald said, Let all of the waters that were under the casino island be gathered together into one place: it will make Mar-a-Lago the coolest resort ever.

And Donald called the dry land Trumplandia and the gathering together of the waters he called the Largest Swimming Pool in Florida.

And Donald said, Let the earth bring forth grass, herb, maryjane, whatever you want to call it, just as long as it keeps everybody relaxed, people are getting way too excited, and we don’t want that: and it was so.

And the earth brought forth grass, herb, maryjane and whatever you call it, and everybody became very, very relaxed, unconscious even, like, comatose (talk about “low energy”!) so he could do whatever he wanted as long as he didn’t tax it; and Donald saw that it was bad, real bad.

And evening and midnight were the third day.

And Donald said, Let there be lights in the casino island of Heaven to confuse day and night, so those poor losers will never, ever know what time it is: and it was so.

And Donald made two great lights; a great emoji with orange hair to rule the day, and a grouchy emoji (though still with orange hair) to rule the night: he made the stars who are famous for absolutely nothing at all, also.

And Donald set them in the great casino island of the heaven to give light that was pretty indistinguishable from darkness, upon the earth,

To rule over day and night and confuse everybody, all the time, as to which was which, so that they would never again know which way was up, or frankly know their butts from a hole in the ground; and Donald saw that it was bad, real bad.

And evening and midnight were the fourth day.

And Donald said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly moving creatures that have life, and birdies that may fly above the earth in the casino island of Heaven; they will really increase the entertainment, believe me.

And Donald created great whale-like monster companies that paid no taxes (because they were, technically, bankrupt), and smaller companies that made money by cheating the losers he had not gotten around to creating yet, and every winged shyster and con man you can imagine: and Donald saw that it was bad, real bad.

And Donald said, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the NASDAQ and NYSE with numbers that threaten to grow into the sky, and let foul companies multiply across the earth.

And evening and midnight were the fifth day.

And Donald said, Let the earth bring forth toxins and carbon dioxide and methane: and it was so: and Donald saw that it was bad; holy smokes, it was bad, but (as Donald says), hey you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. If nature doesn’t like it, nature can shove it.

And Donald said, Let us make a guy in my image, after my likeness – a smaller Donald who does all things like Me, says all things like Me, who every day in every way reminds Me of Me, smart, rich, with an amazing temperament (except when I don’t get what I want, then I destroy you with a killer quote that nobody will ever forget), and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the air and the cattle and over all the earth and over all those creepy crawlers who creep even me out, except of course whatever is on My personal estate of Mar-a-Lago, whose dimensions are still being negotiated (though, I’m telling you, it’ll be the hugest estate ever).

So Donald created man in his own image, in the image of Donald created he him; male and female created he them, because, let’s face it guys, you can’t grab a pussy unless there’s a girl attached to it.

And Donald blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth and subdue it (because if you don’t, I will), and have dominion over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the air and over every living thing that moves across the earth (except for those items mentioned in verse 26, above).

And Donald saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was bad, it was real bad, it was really, really bad. And the evening and midnight were the sixth day.

And on the seventh day, Donald rested. And he lay down in his spectacular penthouse on the island casino of heaven and slept in the deep darkness of his world.