EXECUTIVE OFFER

Howdy. Amigo.

My name is not important. Call me the voice above. With all the planes and helicopters buzzing overhead, some of the true patriots will be dropping my truth, my leaflets, my truthlets to float down to you folk. If you have the blessed fortune to be holding this sheet of paper in your hands, then you’re on the final stretch. Read on to find out how you can make a difference.

You may know the big man, el jefe naranja, paid your island a visit. That much is true. But the mainstream media always got to put a spin on things. If the mainstream media had been around when Jesus-our-lord-and-savior walked this Earth, they’d say he was the leader of some cannibalistic cult. So… it should come as no surprise that those smoothie-sipping, scum-sucking journalists skipped the most important part of the president’s visit to Puerto Rico.

Sure, they covered that neat scene where he threw paper towel rolls at all you excited natives in the church. And the cameras captured el presidente letting your governor Ricky sit on his right side and patting that nervous boy’s hand. Hell, el hombre con manos enormes even congratulated all the agencies on a job well done before the real work could get into full swing. Generous. Compassionate. Congratulatory. A shining example of the commander-in-chief in action.

But the journalists got to turn every story into a smoothie. They take a great man’s words, put them into a blender, and hit spin to get their next headline. Here is what the president said word-for-word:

“Every death is a horror, but if you look at a real catastrophe like Katrina, and you look at the tremendous – hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that died – and you look at what happened here with really a storm that was just totally overpowering, nobody’s ever seen anything like this. And what is – what is your death count as of this moment? 17? 16 people certified. 16 people versus in the thousands. Uh, you can be very proud of all of your people, all of our people, working together. 16 versus literally thousands of people.”

Now look at how the headlines twisted his words:

*President Says Hurricane Maria Was Not ‘a Real Catastrophe Like Hurricane Katrina’

*President Says Puerto Rico Should Be Proud of Hurricane Death Toll

*Puerto Rico: President Compares Maria and Katrina Deaths

Listen, over 1800 people died because Hurricane Katrina hit America. For the sake of math, let’s say that 18 of you people died because Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico. If you want to play that death count comparison game, then you could say that Puerto Ricans are 100 times stronger than the average American. Of course, the president, el jefe que caga oro, knows that NO ONE is stronger than the average American. Therefore, he could not have been making such a comparison at that time.

See? Simple logic is all it takes to defeat the mainstream media. Don’t believe their lies. Don’t even try to debate them. Two words is all they deserve: ¡FAKE NEWS!

Now that we’re on the same page, let’s get the story straight. The big man was not downplaying deaths and leaving your island to rot. No, he wanted to make Puerto Rico a deal, but he knew that he couldn’t trust the dishonest media to tell you about it.

That’s where I come in, compañeros. I am the president’s strong teeth, his wise tongue, his stern but sensual lips. Here is the deal that none of the major news outlets are covering. This executive offer comes direct to you from el hombre con la boca hermosa:

Tired of being a second-class citizen with no voting rights in a government of the people, by the people, for the people… except for you people? Then this offer is for you, Puerto Rico! For the month of October only, as part of ongoing relief efforts in the wake of Hurricane Maria, you’ll now be able to vote for three assistance packages with your lives¹:

Hurricane Maria Level (10+ deaths): a free financial lecture and paper towel rolls thrown at your face (you’re welcome)

Hurricane Ike Level (100+ deaths): a two-week business course that covers how to clear fallen forests to make way for golf resorts

Hurricane Katrina Level (1000+ deaths): a power grid that works some of the time and 15 minutes of national news coverage (commercial breaks included)

But wait, there’s more. Die in the next 48 hours, and you’ll receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Mar-a-Lagooooo², regardless of total death count!³

¡Vaya con Dios!

¹Applicants who don’t speak good American and who don’t agree that this is the greatest deal ever will not receive a vote. The president is the greatest deal-maker of all time. He has the best words.

²Must use back entrance.

³Your death must be deemed to be hurricane-related and will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Any and all restrictions apply. Cases open to consideration include, but are not limited to, death due to downed power lines; lack of adequate medical care for cancer, advanced diabetes, heart conditions, etc.; generator fires, explosions, and carbon monoxide fumes; flooding, absence of clean drinking water, and waterborne diseases (including leptospirosis); heat exhaustion from waiting in lines; being out after curfew; gunfights over gasoline and/or gasoline containers; falling bridges, trees, and/or coconuts; angry women named Maria; and a hopeless bleak despair that tracks you in the darkness and seeps into your soul, and which cannot stem from the fear of being forgotten (for in that fear, there would still be hope) but must be borne by the realization that your death counts more than your life ever could.