Trump Deploys ICE Agents to Stand In for Striking Minnesota Doctors
Citing understaffing, improper training and administrative overload, some 28,000 Minnesota physicians have walked out. The gesture was made in sympathy with the almost 400,000 health care workers who staged a work stoppage last Thursday.
In response to this health care emergency, President Donald J. Trump has deployed some 5,000 ICE agents to stand in for the idled physicians. “We can’t have this bullshit,” railed Trump from Mar-a-Lago’s Epstein Lounge today.
“What if there’s an emergency?” he cried. “What is somebody’s suffering from deadly bone spurs or somethin’? Or if he gets a bruise on his hand, or starts fallin’ asleep at meetings and stuff?”
Confusion has been rampant, as poorly trained, unlicensed ICE agents grapple with medical emergencies. In Minneapolis, a pregnant Somali woman visited a hospital in desperate need of medical treatment.
But when the ICE physician was summoned, he immediately demanded identification. According to the agent, “Dr.” Biff Sluggard, a former nightclub bouncer from Keystone, Colorado, who was attracted to the $50,000 ICE recruitment bonus, the woman proved to be a non-citizen, but had a green card.
Slamming the woman to the floor, the doctor/agent arrested her on the spot. Prior to incarceration, the woman was sped by ambulance across the northern border into Canada, for delivery.
This was done, said an ICE spokesperson, to forestall subsequent patient claims of birthright citizenship. “ICE don’t believe in the 14th Amendment,” said Sluggard with a grin.
Emergency responders reacted to a call for help in the downtown Minneapolis area, only to find Jose Ruiz, a father of three small children, who became trapped under an automobile when the jack slipped.
Deducing that the brown-skinned man, who had no papers, was illegal, they left him as he was and instantly took custody of his children, aged 1-7 years. Last word was that the children were en route to a containment warehouse in Muncie, Indiana.
So far as Humor Times could determine, the man remains trapped under his vehicle. At a community clinic in Rochester, a meaty ICE agent stood guard before the “Whites Only” entrance. Various patients approached the portal and were summarily turned away.
The patients were denied entrance, according to the guard, in order to “forestall contaminating blood lines.” Inside, the physician, who was identified as Dr. K. Noem, was at an adjoining animal shelter next door, executing dogs with a large caliber handgun.
Border Czar Tom Homan told Humor Times that ICE agents are a “natural fit” to replace “slothful and lazy physicians” who forgo work. “ICE agents,” rasped Homan, “are first and foremost enforcers: of immigration law, removal of felons and others who violate U.S laws.
“They conduct criminal Investigations in a manner similar to the way a doctor catalogs symptoms. We also conduct document inspections: you ever tried to get health care service without providing ID?” Homan asked. “Ain’t gonna happen.
“An’ we surveill and collaborate with other agencies. ICE agents,” said Homan, “can be used as a force multiplier. We do this,” he explained, “by stepping into duties that do not require doctors’ specialized screening training, like reading X-rays.
“ICE agents won’t be performing major surgery,” he said with a laugh. “I mean, no brain surgery or heart transplants or deliveries of babies. Unless,” he said, raising a thick forefinger, “they’re illegal. In that case, we’ll deliver the little bastard, but separate the child from the parents at birth. We’ll put ’em all in a cage!”
The decision to replace Minnesota doctors with ICE agents came about because of the success of Trump’s deployment of thousands of ICE agents to supplement the depleted roll of TSA agents who have been working at airports without pay.
Some 50,000 TSA workers have gone without a paycheck since DHS funding was denied on February 14. Trump said on Saturday that ICE agents would “do doctoring like no one has ever seen before.”
Trump said this includes “the immediate arrest of all Illegal Immigrants who have come into our Country, with heavy emphasis on those from Somalia.” Minneapolis, a hotbed of Somali occupation, is host to more than 107,000 such individuals.
Trump, who has often shown a flair for naming his various programs and policies, was asked what he’d call his Minnesota-based ploy. After a reflective pause, he replied, “I think I’ll call it The Final Solution. Kinda rolls off the tongue, don’t it?” he asked.