Help me understand why nothing matters. Repeatedly, I listen to a joke that is not funny.
Maybe my ears do not work. Maybe I am drunk, too drunk, and my mind,
my poor mind is gone. I could barely hear my own
thoughts. In my head I hear dogs barking and a tarantula dancing and time beating backward.
I grow tired of sound. If a tree falls, I cannot hear it when I see it drop in front of me. In my head an orange sunset swallows a burning plane whole.
I hear my heart racing. I pretend my heart has stopped. Believe me that nothing matters.
When I think back, I could never find my footing. The ground broke my fall. Above
the sky stood witness all day and all of the night.
Kicking Stones
I will not go along the road without kicking stones that are in the way. I kicked one so far that it was not seen again. I believe it went up to the clouds. I think it put a hole in the sun. I believe it brought down a satellite. The others only exploded right after I kicked them, too brittle for this world.
Go Nowhere
If I could anywhere, I want to go nowhere. With these eyes as my windows, I could see far and wide. I could see inside myself. I could hear everything I have ever forgotten. I can see the truth which is basically nothing depending on what you believe. I can see nowhere. It is where I want to go.
I thought I knew how people love. But I was mistaken.
While I was wandering, searching to find you, you were walking the very same path— pausing at different places, treading the same ground, searching too, just as desperately.
And when I found you, I believed that I knew more about love than you, that I would be the one to teach you what it truly meant.
But I was wrong.
You taught me how people love!
Without ever speaking the words. Without ever demanding a thing.
You taught me how to step outside the castles I had fortified myself within, how to shatter my foolish pride into pieces— simply because standing beside you was my only choice.
…..
2
The Handcuffs of Love
That night, you were beside me. And I was proud to be at your side.
No one knew about us. Nor did anyone care to know.
You were beside me, yet I could not touch you— except with my eyes. And you embraced me with yours— protectively, claiming your place next to me, unwilling to let anyone take it away.
Nor did I wish it so.
And though you had placed no handcuffs on me, I was bound to you.
Then you followed me, and you led me to the Palace of Love— where you could fasten me with your own handcuffs, as if you wished I would never leave your side.
“Release me!” I cried to you. And you searched for a way to set me free.
Yet when you freed me, I bound myself to you even tighter— for you had managed to imprison both my body and my soul, with handcuffs I had locked myself.
….
3
INEVITABLE
Some say that people meet by chance in life. That by chance they fall in love and bind themselves by Fate’s own knot.
Parallel roads that at some point finally converge.
And I wonder how all those that you desired had already been mine, long before I ever knew you.
Perhaps that is what made our union something… Inevitable.
…….
4
FAITH
I trusted you from the very first moment. I believed in you— even when my reason screamed for me to leave.
I believed in you, as if I were a lost fragment of your soul.
I felt the cry of your heart, even though you were silent, even though you claimed you had settled.
Free hearts do not settle for conventional bonds. They crave openness. Growth. Play. Variety.
But more than anything, they crave Faith— as all things do.
It is faith that keeps the flame alive, that makes it grow even under adverse conditions.
And if it falters for a moment… let it always smolder— so that with a single breath of hope it may return, just as strong as before…
THE IMPACT AND IMPORTANCE OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE PROCESS OF LEARNING ENGLISH
Author: Jumanazarova Nafisa
Email: davlatmuradovna@gmail.com
ORCID:0009-0001-5442-4349
University:National university of Uzbekistan
Field: Foreign language and literature
Annotation: This article discusses the role of artificial intelligence in learning English. The topic is relevant, as it was chosen due to the impact of AI tools on educational processes amid the development of digital education. The aim of the article is to analyze how AI technologies can enhance the efficiency of language learning. The study employed analytical and comparative methods. The results indicate that artificial intelligence helps to individualize language learning and increase motivation, which makes the educational process more effective.
Keywords: artificial intelligence, digital education, individualization, motivation.
Annotatsiya: Ushbu maqola sun’iy intellektlarning ingliz tilini o’rganishdagi roli haqida yoritilgan. Mavzu dolzarb bo’lib, raqamli ta’limning rivojlanishi AI vositalarining o’quv jarayonlariga ta’siri tufayli tanlangan. Maqolaning maqsadi – AI texnologiyalari til o’rganish samaradorligini qanday oshirishini tahlil qilish. Tadqiqotda tahlil va solishtirma metodlaridan foydalanilgan. Natijalar shuni ko’rsatadiki, sun’iy intellekt til o’rganishni individualizatsiyalash va mativatsiyani oshirishga yordam beradi, bu esa ta’lim jarayonini samarali qiladi.
Kalit so’zlar: sun’iy intellekt, raqamli ta’lim, individualizatsiyalash, mativatsiya.
Аннотация: В данной статье рассматривается роль искусственного интеллекта в изучении английского языка. Тема актуальна, так как была выбрана в связи с влиянием инструментов ИИ на образовательный процесс в условиях развития цифрового образования. Цель статьи — проанализировать, как технологии ИИ могут повышать эффективность изучения языка. В исследовании использовались аналитический и сравнительный методы. Результаты показывают, что искусственный интеллект способствует индивидуализации изучения языка и повышению мотивации, что делает образовательный процесс более эффективным.
As is well known, in recent years digital technologies have been rapidly developing in the field of education, and tools such as artificial intelligence have been widely introduced in schools and universities. Especially in learning foreign languages, AI technologies play an important role. Of course, this makes language learning more convenient, effective, and engaging. Therefore, the role of artificial intelligence in language learning has become a highly relevant issue.
The significance of this topic lies in the fact that in the era of globalization, the English language is considered one of the main tools for professional development. For this reason, the demand for learning this language is increasing day by day. Traditional teaching systems are no longer able to fully meet everyone’s needs. Artificial intelligence, however, can organize the learning process according to the learner’s level of knowledge, learning speed, and interests.
However, it has also been observed that AI technologies do not always produce sufficient positive results in learning English. In many cases, they negatively affect students’ ability to think quickly and independently. The main purpose of this article is to analyze the role of artificial intelligence tools in learning English and to study the extent of their impact on the education system.
RESEARCH METHODOLOGY
This study was aimed at determining the effectiveness of artificial intelligence in learning English and was conducted using a mixed-methods approach. This method made it possible to examine the issue from multiple perspectives. The study analyzed the level of use of AI tools and their impact on language learning outcomes through both qualitative and quantitative data.
The main focus of the research was to identify how effective artificial intelligence tools (such as ChatGPT, Duolingo, ELSA Speak, and others) are in the process of learning English compared to traditional teaching methods. For the study, 100 students majoring in English at the Faculty of Foreign Philology of the National University of Uzbekistan were selected as participants.
Within the scope of the research, a survey was conducted to address the following questions: How useful are AI technologies in developing language skills such as listening, speaking, and grammar? Do students consider these technologies more effective than traditional education methods?
Data were collected through questionnaires, interviews, and observation. Through surveys and interviews, students shared their opinions on how frequently they use AI tools and how convenient they find them. The observation process allowed for the analysis of the practical application of AI technologies during lessons.
The effectiveness of the study was evaluated based on test results, vocabulary development, and speaking activity.
Literature Review
The integration of artificial intelligence technologies into the process of teaching English has led to significant changes in instructional methodologies. Studies conducted worldwide highlight the role of AI tools in developing language skills, organizing personalized learning, and increasing student engagement. In addition, AI-based systems for text translation, chatbots, and automatic analysis of written texts are considered effective tools in English language learning.
In a 2020 study conducted by Li and his colleagues, it was found that students’ pronunciation improved significantly through the use of AI-based speech recognition systems. These findings are consistent with Chen’s research, which demonstrated that artificial intelligence enhances learners’ oral fluency and accuracy. Furthermore, in his studies on digital education and artificial intelligence, Ben Williamson emphasizes that AI-based applications (such as ChatGPT, Gemini, Grammarly, and others) make the learning process more flexible and tailored to individual needs. According to him, artificial intelligence presents materials in accordance with learners’ proficiency levels, thereby significantly improving language learning effectiveness.
At the national level, Uzbek scholars have also been conducting research on the implementation of artificial intelligence technologies in language education. For example, studies published by Dilrabakhon Akhmedjonova and Shahnoza Hasanova analyze the role of AI tools in the process of learning English, along with their advantages and pedagogical limitations. In addition, an experimental study carried out by Zarina Sherali qizi Murodova showed the positive impact of AI-based pronunciation analysis applications on students’ pronunciation development.
At the same time, some researchers point out that the excessive dominance of AI technologies in education may limit the role of teachers and reduce social interaction. In their view, AI tools should be used as supportive instruments in education, while the human factor should remain central.
Research results
During this study, the performance of students learning English through artificial intelligence tools was analyzed. The collected data indicated that students who regularly used AI-based applications achieved higher results compared to those who followed traditional learning methods. In particular, noticeable improvement was observed in pronunciation, speaking fluency, and vocabulary development.
According to the statistical analysis, the test scores of the group using AI tools improved by an average of 18–25 percent. The survey results revealed that 82% of students stated that artificial intelligence applications made language learning more interesting and easier, while 15% preferred learning through traditional teachers. The remaining 3% indicated that it was not important who or what they learned from, as long as knowledge was gained.
Furthermore, classroom observations showed that students completed independent exercises more frequently and corrected their mistakes more quickly when using AI technologies.
Discussion
The obtained results demonstrate that artificial intelligence technologies have a high level of effectiveness in the process of learning English. AI-based applications play a significant role in increasing students’ motivation to learn languages, expanding opportunities for independent practice, and developing communicative skills. The analysis revealed that artificial intelligence creates a personalized learning environment, provides immediate feedback, and enhances learning efficiency through interactive exercises.
At the same time, some students prefer direct interaction with traditional teachers, which indicates that the human factor still holds considerable importance in the educational process. Additionally, 3% of the participants stated that the source of education was not important, emphasizing that motivation to acquire knowledge is the key factor. This suggests that it is not technology itself, but rather learners’ intrinsic motivation that plays a decisive role in the learning process.
Overall, the findings of this study confirm that integrating artificial intelligence technologies into English language education serves as an effective tool for improving the quality of the learning process. Therefore, it is essential to use AI capabilities wisely in educational practice, align them with pedagogical approaches, and develop digital learning environments tailored to students’ needs. This approach not only enhances language learning outcomes but also contributes to the development of learners’ independent study skills and future professional competencies.
Conclusion
This study was aimed at examining the impact of artificial intelligence technologies on the process of learning English and identifying the effectiveness of modern digital tools in education. The findings indicate that AI-based applications enhance student engagement by making language learning more interactive, convenient, and personalized. These technologies play a crucial role in providing immediate feedback, expanding opportunities for independent practice, and developing communicative skills.
At the same time, the importance of the teacher’s role in the educational process remains significant. The results suggest that artificial intelligence technologies are most effective when integrated with traditional pedagogical approaches rather than used in isolation. This combined approach not only improves the quality of education but also helps develop learners’ critical thinking, responsible learning habits, and conscious use of modern technologies.
Overall, the implementation of artificial intelligence technologies in English language education represents a key direction in the modernization of teaching and learning processes. It broadens students’ learning opportunities and increases educational effectiveness. Therefore, further research is recommended to explore the impact of AI tools across different educational levels and to analyze their psychological, pedagogical, and social aspects in order to develop more advanced digital education models.
References
1.Chen X., Liu G., Zhang Y. Virtual tutors and speaking fluency in English language learning. — New York: Educational Technology & Society, 2018.
2.Smith J., Anderson L. The Impact of Artificial Intelligence on English Language Learning. — New York: American Journal of Pedagogical and Educational Research, 2022.
3.Brown T., Wilson M. The Use of Artificial Intelligence in English Learning: Teachers’ and Students’ Perceptions. — New York: Journal of Language and Education, 2021.
4.Murodova Z. Sun’iy intellekt asosidagi talaffuz tahlilining ingliz tili fonetikasini o‘rganishga ta’siri: O‘zbek EFL o‘quvchilari misolida. — Moskva: Obrazovanie Nauka i Innovatsionnye Idei v Mire, 2025.
5.Murodova Z., To‘xtayev A. Sun’iy intellekt asosidagi talaffuz tahlilining ingliz tili fonetikasini o‘rganishga ta’siri. — Toshkent: Zamonaviy filologiya tadqiqotlari jurnali, 2023.
6.Abdusamadova M. Raqamli texnologiyalar asrida sun’iy intellekt orqali talabalarni ingliz tilida gapirishni o‘rgatish. — Toshkent: World Scientific Research Journal, 2025.
7.Kamolova F. O‘zbekiston sharoitida sun’iy intellekt texnologiyalari yordamida ingliz tilida gapirish ko‘nikmalarini o‘rgatish. — Toshkent: World Scientific Research Journal, 2025.
Youth unemployment in Uzbekistan: causes, consequences and recommendations.
Tashkent State University Of Oriental Studies
World economy and international economic
relationship orientation student
Toshbekova Nozima Rasul qizi
Orcid: 0009-0002-8038-3656
Email:nozimatoshbekova58@gmail.com
tel: (+998)93 949 49 78
Annotation: This article will consider the issue of youth unemployment in Uzbekistan. The purpose of the study is to identify the main causes of unemployment among young people, their socio-economic consequences, as well as provide practical recommendations for solving the problem. The study used statistical analysis, comparative method, observation methods. As a result, it was found that the main causes of youth unemployment were discrepancies between education and labor market demands, inexperience, lack of jobs, territorial and gender differences.
Keywords: Youth unemployment, labor market, employment, digital economy, gender equality, human capital
Annotatsiya: Ushbu maqolada O’zbekistondagi yoshlar ishsizligi masalasi ko’rib chiqiladi. Tadqiqotning maqsadi yoshlarning ishsizligining asosiy sabablarini, ularning ijtimoiy-iqtisodiy oqibatlarini aniqlash, shuningdek, muammoni hal qilish bo’yicha amaliy tavsiyalar berishdan iborat. Tadqiqotda statistik tahlil, qiyosiy usul, kuzatish usullari qo‘llanilgan. Natijada, yoshlar ishsizligining asosiy sabablari ta’lim va mehnat bozori talablari o‘rtasidagi tafovutlar, tajribasizlik, ish o‘rinlarining yetishmasligi, hududiy va gender tafovutlar ekanligi aniqlandi.
Аннотация: В статье рассматривается проблема безработицы среди молодежи в Узбекистане. Цель исследования — выявить основные причины безработицы среди молодежи, их социально-экономические последствия и дать практические рекомендации по решению проблемы. В исследовании использовались методы статистического анализа, сравнительного метода и наблюдения. В результате было установлено, что основными причинами молодежной безработицы являются несоответствие между образованием и требованиями рынка труда, отсутствие опыта, нехватка рабочих мест, региональные и гендерные различия.
Introduction
Unemployment is a situation in which a part of the economically active population cannot find a job that is suitable for them and becomes unemployed. In economic life, unemployment manifests itself as a situation in which the supply of labor exceeds the demand for it. The cause of unemployment can vary: such as the development of techniques, a reduction in market demand for goods, an increase in demand for skilled labor.
Youth unemployment in Uzbekistan is becoming an increasingly urgent socio-economic problem. Youth unemployment not only slows economic growth, but also increases migration, negatively affects the morale of young people, and leads to inefficient use of the country’s human capital. More than 60% of Uzbekistan’s population is under the age of 30, and 500,000 to 700,000 young people enter the labor market each year. While the overall unemployment rate has fallen to 4.9% by the end of 2025 , the youth unemployment rate has been found to be approximately twice as high as the overall figure, at 10.94% in 2024, according to the ILO and World Bank models. The purpose of the article is to provide an in-depth analysis of the causes of youth unemployment as well as to offer effective solutions and recommendations.
Research methodology
This study was conducted using a survey method to study the problem of youth unemployment in Uzbekistan. The study was conducted in September-October 2025 in various districts of Tashkent city (Yunusabad, Chilanzor, Shaykhontohur, Mirabad, Sergeli). The number of young people who participated in the survey was 52. The survey was conducted based on the following main questions:
Young people’s NNG age, gender, level of education and studied specialty;
Current employment status ;
The biggest obstacles to finding a job (experience requirement, lack of practical Qualifications, low number of jobs, territorial restrictions, gender differences);
The degree of incompatibility between the education system and labor market requirements;
The impact of digital technologies and automation on youth employment .
The survey was conducted online through the Google Forms platform, as well as in paper form in places where young people gather in Tashkent.
Review of used literature
The World Bank’s (World Bank)report “Youth Employment in Uzbekistan: Opportunities and Challenges” (2021) cited inconsistency between education and labor market demands , inexperience, poor jobs in rural areas, and high informality as the main causes of youth unemployment. The authors of the report (Alicia Marguerie and Maddalena Honorati) stated that the NEET level of youth (not in Education, Employment or Training) is high, especially among young women, which can reach up to 66%, stating that this situation is due to social norms, low wages and lack of formal jobs. It was noted that most young people work in low-productivity sectors (agriculture, construction, trade) and that labor migration is a temporary solution to the problem, but not a long-term one. The report highlights the need to improve the quality of education, strengthen career guidance, and reduce labor market barriers to improve youth employment. According to the International Labour Organization (ILO) model assessment (ILOSTAT, 2020-2025), youth unemployment rates in Uzbekistan between the ages of 15-24 are fluctuating between 10.8–13% and are 2 times higher than overall unemployment. ILO data points to demographic pressure (500–700,000 young people entering the labor market each year) and insufficient job creation from economic growth as key factors. A 2020 study by UNICEF and the promotion movement found that 54.6% of young people are not engaged in either study, work, or vocational training after compulsory secondary education. The report highlighted the difficulties in accessing education and employment as the most pressing issue for young people, and emphasized the need to develop skills such as foreign languages, entrepreneurship, and business literacy. The UNDP’s 2025 report “Informal Employment in Uzbekistan” highlights the hidden forms of unemployment among young people and their exclusion from the pension and healthcare systems. It is noted that youth unemployment could reach 15.9%. Many local studies conducted by the Statistics Agency of the Republic of Uzbekistan (stat.uz) highlight that the main causes of youth unemployment are the mismatch between education and the labor market, lack of experience, regional and gender differences. For example, in the works of Jo’rayev Sherali Anor o’g’li and others (2022–2025), demographic growth, lack of professional skills, and disparities in regional economic development are identified as the main factors of youth unemployment. The article by Abdullayev and Begalova (2021) analyzes current issues in ensuring employment, including youth employment, the development of vocational education, and improving the infrastructure of the labor market. They made proposals for professional orientation and the creation of new jobs based on foreign experiences. Mansurov Shahzad (2024) in his article” youth employment in Uzbekistan: opportunities and problems “assessed the effectiveness of programs such as creating new jobs for young people,” and subsidized loans, but still noted the high NEET level and migration problem.
Research Results
The following key observations were made based on the survey results: 74% of young people cited lack of experience and practical skills as the biggest obstacle to finding a job. 61% of young people said that the knowledge they received in educational institutions does not meet the requirements of the labor market. 68% of survey participants said that traditional jobs are being lost due to the development of digital technologies, but at the same time, new opportunities are opening up for young people with digital skills.
Among young people who have found a job or are expecting a high income, interest in digital directions turned out to be 2.1–2.4 times higher. 59% of young people who are in traditional occupations or are looking for work in this field said they are worried about the future of their professions due to digital transformation.
The results of this survey empirically confirmed the main factors of youth unemployment (lack of experience, mismatch between education and the labor market, difficulties in adapting to the digital economy).
The limitations of the study include the small sample size (only within the city of Tashkent), as well as the fact that it did not fully reflect the hidden unemployment situation. This methodology provided a clearer picture of the current state of youth unemployment and its relationship to digital transformation.
Discussion
The strength of the study was that it identified the impact of digital transformation through a survey conducted in Tashkent. This topic has become increasingly relevant in recent years, as automation is reducing traditional jobs while demand is increasing in IT, digital marketing, and other tech fields. It is a positive trend that interest in digital skills is high in the survey, but it is necessary to develop these skills.
At the same time, the limitations of the study are also worth noting: since the sample size is small (52 people) and limited only to the city of Tashkent, it is impossible to generalize the results to the whole country. Hidden unemployment and did not fully reflect the situation in rural areas. Overall, the study highlights the following areas to address youth unemployment:
Adaptation of the educational system to the requirements of the labor market.
Teaching digital and modern skills.
Development of mechanisms for creating the first work experience for young people Elimination of Gender and territorial inequalities.
If these directions are implemented, it will be possible to significantly reduce youth unemployment and effectively use the country’s human capital. The study shows that the problem is not only economic, but also social and educational in nature, requiring a comprehensive approach.
Conclusion
The main objective of this study was to conduct an in-depth analysis of the causes of youth unemployment in Uzbekistan, identify its socio-economic consequences, and develop practical recommendations for solving the problem. The main results are that the overall unemployment rate will remain around 10.8–10.94% in 2025, and youth unemployment will remain around 10.8–10.94% in 2024, according to ILO models – more than twice the overall rate. The significance of these results: youth unemployment not only slows economic growth but also increases migration. Based on the results of this study, the following recommendations can be made:
Adapting the education system to the needs of the labor market,
Creating opportunities for young people to gain experience,
Encouraging the creation of new jobs in digital and innovative fields;
References
1.M.K.Abdullayev, D.B.Begalova (2021). Current issues in ensuring employment in the Republic of Uzbekistan. Scientific electronic journal “Economy and Innovative Technologies”.
2.Honorati, M., & Marguerie, A. (2021). Youth employment in Uzbekistan: Opportunities and challenges. World Bank Group. https://documents1.worldbank.org/curated/en/666311634704762319/pdf/Youth-Employment-in-Uzbekistan-Opportunities-and-Challenges.pdf
3.International Labour Organization. (2024). ILOSTAT database: Youth unemployment in Uzbekistan. https://ilostat.ilo.org/data/
4.Jo‘rayev, S. A. son. (2022–2025). Research on demographic growth, lack of professional skills, and disparities in regional economic development.
5.Mansurov, S. (2024). Youth employment in Uzbekistan: opportunities and challenges.
6.United Nations Development Programme. (2025). Informal employment in Uzbekistan. UNDP Uzbekistan. https://www.undp.org/sites/g/files/zskgke326/files/2025-10/report_informal_economy_eng.pdf
7.UNICEF, Youth Union, & Yuksalish National Movement. (2020). https://www.unicef.org/uzbekistan/media/3541/file/YouthofUzbekistan-ChallengesandProspects.pdf
8.Statistics Agency of the Republic of Uzbekistan. (2025). Labor market statistics and youth employment indicators. stat.uz. https://stat.uz/
“Why are all of these people ghosting me?” Steven exclaimed, addressing an empty room.
“People have things to do,” counseled Willy, Steven’s inner self. “They’re busy. They can’t just wait around breathlessly for your emails and then respond accordingly.”
“Why not?” challenged Steven hotly.
“Because, lover, they have lives.”
“I’m sixty-eight years old, an old man,” protested Steven. “Who cares about someone like me experiencing cognitive dissonance? No one.”
“Ginny is the only one who gives a darn,” Willy reminded him. “She may live way the heck over on the other side of the continent, but she cares.”
“But, that’ll turn out to just be a mistake of some kind, probably,” thought Steven dourly.
“Why do you say that?” asked his inner self.
“Because, self,” explained Steven, “Ginny’s never met me in person, only online and on the telephone. She thinks that I’m that character in the pages of my novel, not the flesh and blood person that you see.”
“Well, I can understand your perspective,” remarked self.
“You’re very helpful,” said Steven sarcastically, “and you can’t see anything. You are a non-corporeal side of me, not a separate person.”
“What happens with the passage of time?” asked Willy philosophically.
“You only get older,” snapped Steven crossly. He had decided that no one gave a darn, that indifference, especially with respect to him, was endemic.
Steven hadn’t had a good buzz on for twenty years and was grateful to achieve that state tonight, courtesy some hydrocodone and a beer chaser. He was presently almost incapable of speech and rued the intoxication he had achieved; it made him incapable of expressing his frustration.
Suddenly the land line jangled off the hook.
“Pick up,” urged Willy, hovering like a specter over the phone. “It could be Ginny.”
Moving sluggishly, Steven slapped his hand down on the receiver, jarring it in place. Screwing his features up in concentration, he succeeded in lifting the instrument to his ear. “Hef…hello?” he croaked.
“Ellie?” said a boisterous, up-beat voice on the other end of the line.
Steven scowled. His mother, Ellie, had died nine years before. He wondered, who could this possibly be?
“Ellie? Ellie? Is Ellie there?” the voice badgered him.
Steven took a deep breath and let it out. “Sh…she’s not here,” he managed to utter.
“That’s okay,” the voice replied. “This message is for any resident at this phone number.” Then the voice went on to tell Steven how bright his shirts could be, should he only use Gorilla Wax stain remover in his laundry. And the message went on and on.
Finally Steven found his voice again. “Look, my mother died nearly ten years ago,” he said.
After a measured beat, the salesman continued. “How many boxes of Gorilla Wax can I put you down for?”
Steven and Willy both had had enough. Steven slammed down the phone, had another beer and passed out.
When Steven woke up at 4am, he panicked before realizing it was Saturday and he didn’t have to go to work.
Willy had a suggestion on how to spend the day. “Listen loser, I’ve got a long shot suggestion for you. Call up every girl that you ever dated, wanted to date, or made you horny. If you call up ten and with each one you have a 10% chance of success, you still have some chance of getting a date. I forgot how to calculate it, but you have some chance.”
Steven liked the idea. He made a list of ten. Of the ten calls, three didn’t go through and had no forwarding number, and the next four consisted of:
“You disgusted me then and you still do.”
“I married your best friend.”
“I’m married to a woman.”
“Who the hell are you? Leave me alone!”
Next, Steven phoned Ginny. When she picked up, Steven explained his mental confusion, his loneliness and told Ginny he wanted to meet in person at last.
There was an awkward pause on the line and then Ginny came clean. She explained that she was happily married and only vicariously grooved on Steven, based on the lurid descriptions contained in his novel. She hoped he understood, and abruptly hung up.
The tenth call was a winner, or so he thought. June still lived in the area, was unmarried and happy to hear from him. She invited him over. He showed up on her doorstep in thirteen minutes flat.
“Come in Steven,” said the woman. He could still recognize her as the girl he knew so many years ago, although at the time she was a skinny, pimply-faced girl, whereas now she was a beautiful, full-figured woman. He didn’t even notice she was missing a leg for almost a full minute. He stared.
June was used to the double-take. The next thing she said was “Right, I’m not the leggy beauty you remember.”
After a silent pause, they both burst out laughing, breaking the ice.
Willy started to give Steven advice, but he told Willy to back off, he would try to handle this himself.
Oddly, a puzzled June accepted Steven’s explanation of Willy’s presence.
Steven and June did the standard history conversation: Steven’s 40-year insurance career and his two divorces; June’s car accident that cost her a leg, 20 years ago. But, she got a fat insurance settlement which meant she could live out the rest of her life without working. She had become something of a recluse after the accident.
When they got into specifics, they discovered that Steven’s insurance company gave June her payout.
June asked “Want to see my other leg?” A puzzled Steven said okay.
June went to the closet and brought out her prosthesis. “Want to feel it?” She asked.
“Sure.”
Willy whispered something only Steven could hear. Steven said, “How does that compare to your good leg?”
June pulled up her dress and said, “you tell me.”
Steven had no discrimination against the disabled, and June was not put off by a two-time loser. Steven stayed the night, and the spectral pervert Willy was a happy onlooker.
Steven and June were wed in a civil ceremony, with Willy standing up for the groom. There are no happily ever afters, but the two of them–three, if you count Willy–did a respectable impression of one.
“Did I say that? I did not say that—erase it from your
mind.
It was not said, it was not heard or thought.
The truth will set you free
por nada. It opens the prison cell
to reveal la prisión infinita outside.”
The old man pauses and locks my eyes in his
in the darkness as it tightens softly around us.
“You think me un viejo loco,
scrambled with drugs and too much tequila—’crasy in the
head!’—
or just a crank outdated, useless. And you are right!
“It is better for you to think so, you who are young,
however old you feel: Compared to me,
you are a child, and deserve to keep your innocence
a little longer
en las cadenas del mundo y del tiempo—
in, what do you call?—the chains of time and the world,
as long, that is, as you are able to deny them
in the rage of your mind
and your strenuous will,
your pride and your fury
at the fate that world and time
are wreathing around your future,
the one you hope to defy
with a brilliant name across the air
that all may see, or none, that shouts out: estaba aquí—I
was here! Once, once only, irremovable
in the sun’s cold memory, para siempre.
Even if no one ever sees it again: it was,
eternamente, like an absolute
matchstick—un hombre: un fósforo eterno!
“So what shall we call it, for we must have a name for it,
a word we can blame it on,
to give us the illusion of knowledge and power?
“‘El Reino des Perdidos’—‘The Kingdom of the Lost’—I
first liked, then found
trillado, trite;
then ‘Ink on Coal’ before I found that too banal;
‘Despair’ was at the head for a week;
and even better: ‘Désespoir’—
before my crítico interno returned
and tossed that definitively down the pissoir!
‘An Enemy of the People’—now that is an honest title!
But Ibsen used it,
and his fans can be unforgiving.
‘The Plot of the Homeless Sovereigns’ was a desperate
gesture only,
and ‘The Wilding Masters’ was an admission of defeat.
We eventually settled on something ancient yet unused,
direct, simple:
‘El viento y la noche’:
‘The Wind and the Night.’
“I remember how the sun rose then.
The throngs of clubbers staggered from a bar called
The End Up.
The heroes banked in a strange fire.
They bowed with a terribly earnest politeness.
It was damning: for only a murderous hatred
with a shot of blood and a pint of poison
to tickle the imagination could make a man glad.
Love be damned! It was hatred we wanted,
and the prospect of crushing an enemy.
Not the fact so much—the idea:
unejoliefantaisie, as the French say.
“The world is not content to destroy.
It must humiliate at the same stroke:
jeering, shame, and annihilation.
A goal worth pursuing, truly,
even if not realistic! Who knows,
next time we may get it right!
The Prince de ce monde will aid you if you are
patient and humble, and persevere: Perfect
destruction is as beautiful as perfect
creation—more rare and beautiful still!—
una perfección only those cast
into oblivion can ever know,
for only they are so far lost
there is no memory of them.
Like certain suicides:
a song, a drama, a dance,
in which realization, culmination, ruin
are one. Are one. Are one. Are one.
“Mi mundo era yo.
I was the world.
When I die, dies the universe—
the only universe I can know.
“I want to shout, ‘No! Never!’
but the futility of such words
suffocates them
even before they speak.”
The old man sighs, but seems
not to notice. Drunk on itself,
his voice patters on.
“But courage, my friend! Courage, defiance, and wit:
a taste for metaphoros and phrase-making:
much can be made from this garden for growing
unos universos eternos y infinitos—
universes eternal and infinite!—
out of the humus, compost heap, trash,
of the prima materia of this world;
swelling like lotus blossoms out of the waste
and perfuming the morning with a wilderness sweetness
none—no, none!—could have hoped for or dreamed of,
a delicacy exquisite,
a living line, a profile of ivory
cut from a cloud: the hand of an angel
baffled, as it turns in the air,
by the beauty floating on emptiness
like waterlilies on a cold pond.
“And who is there to consider all this,
delight in its million brief enchantments,
its undomesticated glories,
its conquests and gentleness,
its random ecstasy and splendor,
its snuggling, cozy and quite comical smiles,
its mystery without end—
who but us, my friend? And a few
torn-winged angels
we no longer believe in, and a passel of other gods.”
The sun had set. I could see no more than the old man’s
shadow
against the black wall of the sea, from which the voice
emerged in the wash of waves.
“Despising este espectáculo extraño—this freak show!—
into which we were born
is a sign of good taste.
“For only pity sees the mask
breaking behind the brazen face
where fear fights with pride, grief
with insolence, folly with suspicion
carved, half from wisdom,
half from a refusal to look at the face
de la realidad: the human
spirit, part demon, part angel, part monkey—
a pretentious ape that invented God
and hell.
“But—you are right”—though I had said nothing.
“Even more foolish is bitterness,
though it cleanses the soul to let it out,
like a scrubbing with a little black soap and brimstone.
It feels nice to rant, half mad,
to say unjust and terrible things
to an innocent and long-suffering listener.
Like yourself, young señor! To hell (not
to use stronger language,
but I have some respect for your sensibilities,
which may not yet have been corrupted
by the fashion in profanity that is now all the rage,
young señor!) to hell with this, to hell with that,
to hell with it all!
“Wherever one looks, there is no matter,
and mind disappeared long ago
from every metaphysician’s backpack. No mind, no
matter,
just waves of energy crossing uncertain voids,
not even nothing underneath:
the only thing we know is words
that cannot even say it!
We must be careful,
my friend: only the select have ever heard me this far
(they usually run away!), either they are willing to be
corrupted
or they have an espíritusfuertes as antidote
for this poison before it kills their . . . souls. The rest
yawned off in droves: we have the fragrance to ourselves,
the sweet briny aroma
of truth.
(Sí sí! Esa palabra sucia! That dirty word!
Go, vete, foul escéptico académico!
Back, back! Where is my stake
to thrust through your black heart at dawn!
Where is my cross! The terrible count
must be destroyed so we may live in hope
of peace, if not happiness:
Truth is dead! Long live Truth!
For what are you,
my friend? A prince in exile, a monarch
on a burning throne.
Sí, mi amigo! I draw your face in ink on coal
against ashes and night.
“Do not be bitter (so I speak to myself); by all means, do
not be bitter;
you are not alone, cramped in your little cell
of body, time, brain—though one feels
lonely enough in the mob
of billions on this earth.
“They watch the same moon shrink and grow,
scrounge the sun’s seeds from the brittle earth
and stare, like you, at the blackness behind the stars—
that strangely comforting darkness.
“Unlock the gate a little late you closed
behind your heart after, like a horse, it fled!”
I raise my hands to my face in the darkness.
Somewhere someone is praying.
But only silence crosses my lips.
“Oh, mi niño . . . ,” the voice whispers.
“The heart’s fear masks its love.
Its hatred masks its munificence.”
Or do I only imagine it? “There is nothing to dispute,
no cause for quarrel—unless of course
your quarrel is with God! ‘He’s too big
for that,’ someone once said—and,
si, he had a point. And I rejoined:
Even a mouse in a corner fights
the cat!
“So what if he’s bigger than you? That means
you need to be more cunning than God—
like the one who reigns in the regions below!
Anyway, what could be simpler?
He need but give a clear and simple
reason for the world he has made,
and for putting us in the middle of it!
“Above all else:
We see through you! Do not think
you can hide behind the atheists. What a brilliant
ploy you thought that was! You do not exist!
Poof! You are now off the hook, and the nihilists
can go wreck the world between their bombs and bottom
lines.
“The devil’s cleverest trick was convincing us he was a
fable,
and now you’re trying it out on your own! Nice try,
oSeñor!
You must have more on your conscience than I thought!”
The pause is washed with a blur of surf,
dimly white, like the old man’s moon-lit shadow.
“Humanity is a fiasco. Let us face it frankly.
Man is a bizarre accident (alas, woman also,
siento tener que decir—er, sorry to have to say!)—
and probably is alone in the cosmic chaos:
It’s just us and God! Two points of mind
and perverse will, one mortal, one inmortal—
talk about having nothing in common but thin skins
and a bad temper! Fourteen billion
years of grandstanding between them! What a farce!
Clowns performing for an audience of clowns!
“Am I being cruel? Have you gazed with unjaundiced eye
at your neighbors? At yourself? You are not the exception.
What goes on inside your head, en su corazón?
Dime, what do you see there? No, don’t tell me.
I have had enough despaïr for one evening.”
A gull, pulled from the passing wind, screams
through the night. It’s so dark, I cannot
see my hand in front of my face—
that is a true phrase.
“The truth,
which you believe does not exist, like God and the devil,
is testing his arrows at the edge of the universe,
that beige and brain-shaped cloud, before he notches
his bow. It will take less time than forever
to reach us, entangled as we are, like a ball
of yarn at the end of a kitten’s hijinks.
The claw is no less merciless for the sweetness
of the eyes of its owner. The world is lovely,
dark and deep. She is innocent and beautiful and ruthless.
Dime una mentira para que pueda volver
a dormir. Tell me a lie so I can sleep again.
Too many truths have burnt a hole in my brain!
I hear the silence of the arrow—el silencio de la flecha—
as it flies toward me . . .”
_____
Christopher Bernard’s most recent collection of poems is titled The Beauty of Matter, “A Pagan’s Verses for a Mystic Idler.” Señor Despaïr will be available in book form from Real Magazine Productions, a publisher based in India, later this year.
