Cycling for the First Time

When I first cycled due to my bipolar disorder, my brain concocted an elaborate story about what was happening to me. At the time, I was practicing multiple nights a week on a play, Sense and Sensibility by Kate Hamill, a lively interpretation where each character except the two leads played multiple parts. 

My brain convinced me that this play was an experiment to get me pregnant. While I worked on something I loved (the play), I would be filling my brain and body with the joy of working in theater, thus reducing my stress levels. I believed that the contract I signed when I accepted my role in the play was actually a contract for this experiment. In my mind, the directors of the play were working with my doctors and workplace so that I could go on leave as soon as I was ready to deliver. So when I was placed on leave from work, I thought that part of the experiment was being fulfilled. I frequently rubbed my belly, imagining new life growing within as I dreamed of twins. 

It wasn’t until after I stabilized and saw the incoherent text messages and emails did I understand why I was dismissed from the play and put on leave from work. With my new diagnosis of bipolar, my dreams of a joyful pregnancy were also dashed. I couldn’t imagine living with the disorder and experiencing something as challenging as pregnancy and postpartum.