“The Gotta Keep on Feeling 
             Even When it Leaves Me Reeling 
             'Cause I Can't Just Not feel Any More Blues” 

A few months outta the incubator 
this cooing preemie poet, supine in my crib, 
couldn't turn over as my bro' grew irater, 
belting me through the bars in his angry bib. 
To strike a lyric impulse, born of joy, 
may twist it into a worse little boy. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

If I turned mean early, I'd no chance to really live - 
who showed new bro's such perfidy - 
but then lightened up when they appeared to forgive, 
seeing me draw Dad's fire, haplessly. 
He sometimes whipped his sons in his drunken ire - 
I liked to take 'em swimming through fancy's fire. 

My bro's came down to the basement one day, 
told me no more Flash Gordon would we play. 
They'd let Dad talk 'em into studyin' TECH - 
he said imagination was imaginary dreck - 
so for Sci-Fi novels alone in their room 
my playmates left me in the basement gloom. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

My new costar was my friend from the street. 
At improv' play interpreting TV 
our concerted inspirations fed hilarity, 
so I naturally figured it'd be real neat 
to have him meet my flame since kindergarten... 
Why her liking him instead me so dishearten? 
I started a fight in which he got beat. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

My Dad, mostly gone, moved us thrice in succession - 
huge old houses, some ghetto neighborhood 
where black or white bullies, at their discretion, 
on the street or in class beat up stunned me good. 
My kid brothers, though, didn't take defeat so hard, 
but fought them to a standstill in our front yard. 

How could I have thought, if I'd become who I was born 
and had folks who shared a spirit of lyrical romance, 
to have merited so roundly all my peers' epic scorn? 
A brash pacificism was identity's best chance, 
won a sympathetic friend who'd help keep track 
of bully maneuvers. I think he was black. 

Since math test A's, but not my essay ones 
won my father's praise, his tuition funds 
went to shrewder bro's when we left high school. 
Dad made me, though, feel like a fool, 
saying, "Good sons go to college, bullies never will." 
So I had to join the service for the G.I. Bill. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Recruiter promised language school out in Monterey. 
I signed my enlistment papers that very day. 
But down in basic training heard Drill Instructor say, 
“Recruiting Sergeant's promises you can just throw 
into the shit-can – you're mine now, you know? 
Our two-week clerk school's where you're going to go!” 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

My Colonel math Prof' from our isolated base 
told his Airman ace-test student confidingly 
my civilian English Prof was a queer disgrace - 
though he'd lit up many a dark stanza for me. 
When for pushing Air Force pencils my desire lost its clout 
they gave me a court-martial and an early out. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Ya gotta grow sci-biz brains so smart, 
ya really can't grow a mind with heart, 
so after discharge I buckled down 
for A's in math, made my brothers frown - 
then I changed my courses to the English I espouse 
and my bro's and Ma kicked me out of the house. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Drove out west where tuition was cheap, 
got waylaid into a ghetto hippie commune 
where free love proved a vow you couldn't keep, 
though onto two non-jealous nymphs you glom, you'n 
your artist pal. Mine starved to duck the draft - 
and when I mentioned college the girls just laughed. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Footnote: 
I'm the one who didn't hold free love together 
in a world of possessiveness and jealousy, 
though my buddy and I couldn't be sure whether 
our girls, having ravished us thoroughly, 
couldn't just up and do the same for another; 
and, when we asked 'em, heard 'em agree 
that my buddy and I could be those other! 

Ah, we four had commitment and variety.... 
'Til the draft wrote my friend, and he grew quite thin. 
So, since one of our girls had an Aunt who could cover 
their expenses 'til his 4-F deferment came in, 
they left. Four people, each with just one lover - 
living as couples in estrangement's sin. 

I had to use the GI Bill - as protests swept through town - 
I quit my drugs 'n' smokes to try another way. 
With clerical and class work's endless sitting down 
I'd jog, skate or cycle miles ev'ry other day 
after work hours of dummy-down ennui, 
to revive me for lectures on creativity. 

Snapshot of moi: 
Here I am gliding downhill 
toward an intersection, 
making a sudden right turn 
off the toe-stop of my left skate 
to avoid slamming into a crossing semi. 

Three years on, art student and guttersnipe, 
in interesting times I found 'em seldom ripe 
to take off work to meet with prof's after class 
(or have an affair with some accommodating lass) - 
only work days, then study for honor roll, 
nights full of sirens as the riots take their toll. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Some hooker'd take me home to meet her mother. 
They'd treat me with warm deference and regard, 
but frequently they had one absent brother 
and son - to speak of him was always hard. 
So how that summer could I check where he was at? 
Just join the poor some night, fight back - that's that. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Footnote: 
Five wars ago I thought I might be big: 
in solidarity with gangling guys 
I'd seen through riots slouch, I hit a pig - 
if you can't fight, this may not prove too wise. 

In jail, my first week there, a bunch of dudes 
jumped on a young grass dealer late one night - 
who, next day, called the guards and me includes 
as one of his attackers! So then right 

into the compound rolled the paddy-wagon. 
When I therein with five rapists-accused 
had sat half an hour, my spirits flaggin', 
the victim changed his mind – I was excused. 

Could I my fellow inmates' taunts survive? 
One turned me on to pumpin' iron – he, 
a genie black, desired I stay alive - 
who wonder why, still pumpin' irony. 

Girls at the office may suspect a college man, 
like classmate girls who see that he must work. 
Incredibly, though, either place a fellow can 
probably get lucky who flirtation doesn't shirk - 
since, strapped for time and cash, with mere technique 
I sometimes found a lover for an eve'ning or a week. 

My black sheepskin was sent by snail mail. 
They save the ceremonies for grads who don't hit cops. 
Times changing, school job prospects fail 
but Civil Service wants you if your test score's tops: 
Humanities scholars toiling far afield, 
so happy for a gig that makes us nothing but well-healed. 

Snapshot of Moi: 
These are the new class 
of SSI Benefit Authorizers, 
bachelors to doctors who couldn't find 
work in their fields, chairs in an oval. 
Behind the desk at one end 
stands the Head of the Western Division. 
I now stand in my turn - 
stating name, College, field of study, 
“Creative Writing” - at which he laughs - 
the only pursuit to get that reaction. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Out of desperation, but idyllically, 
as I seemed to have tuition benefits left, 
I took some manuscripts to the university, 
onto a prof's desk the stack of 'em to heft; 
with my low GPA I didn't think he'd give a damn, 
but his letter was my ticket to the the Grad program. 

I was two more years in full-time academe 
with low-pay part-time desk work again 
when the government cut off the money stream - 
so I dropped out, shipped out with lonely men 
on a twelve-month voyage in the Merchant Marine - 
then I made it back to the campus scene. 

My friend's, our girls' and my hippie menage 
once lent this monkish scholar Casanova panache, 
whose sporadic lovers now made such a sparse collage 
that I took a logic course and impressed a babe, by gosh! 
When I had somehow caught, though, a cute singer's eye 
and they ran into each other I was two girls shy. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

When your discharge and rapsheet trump also the M.A. 
that another year of classes and some loans win you, 
they'll take you eight years at clerk's wages to repay - 
since Fed jobs aren't PC enough now ever to pursue. 
All claim as young men the title of Master - 
in keeping which art types court total disaster.

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Snapshots without moi: 
These photos are two 
graduation ceremonies - 
S.F. State seventy-five, 
U.C.B. Eighty-four - 
your poetry major couldn't attend - 
units delayed, a technicality - 
no gown for him nor any hood, 
no traipse across the stage with his peers. 

Footnote: 
In far the most humiliating scene 
I've e'er endured, the real Living End, 
young Laura, roomie, tutee, cutie - mean - 
her then main squeeze, my guts-mad biker friend, 

and I our way we wended toward the tall 
encrusted town. We escalating up 
from subway, toward Three Stooges festival, 
Chicano cat who'd one too many cup 

accosted me and wouldn't let me pass. 
I sidestepped, ran five paces, turned - 
around 'n', like a fool, I called him "ass," 
but learned with what attacking rage he burned.

As soon as I began exchanging blows 
with him, my motorcycle pal emerged, 
who jumped him.  From the crowd there then arose 
a further swarthy brawler. When I urged 

my friend to let me have my fights, the new 
hidalgo went at him. As their fists rained, 
this Juan, Ill call him, (though I never knew), 
resumed his work to keep me entertained. 

As student, swimmer, skater, clerk may fight 
I stood and fought him even, as he me. 
'Twas several minutes gone into the night 
until I knew I'd not the winner be. 

I made a bleak half-hearted lurch to flee, 
he turned our battle into running one.... 
He tired. Again the odds weighed evenly. 
Somewhere distant Jerry shared such fun, 

while somewhere nearby Laura sweetly wept. 
A quizzical surprise lit my foe's grin - 
it seemed as though I'd actually kept... 
my end up. Then the blame Police stepped in, 

attacking, as pigs will, in out-sized odds 
while charging us, as pigs will, from behind. 
One seized my belt in back. I cursed his gods, 
his chains, his bars, his heart so young gone blind. 

They sorted us by seeming sides, then bade 
us sit on low concrete retaining-wall. 
They checked ID's, bestowed no accolade 
to ask me whence I hailed, me winner call. 

But balmy Jerry said, "Stop crying, Laura." 
I, hearing, said, "Stop crying, Laura" too; 
but n'er were saying when she donned her aura, 
(nor pressing charges), something we could do. 

Except for Juan, the pigs let us all go. 
except the hombre I'd been flailing at. 
He wore no guns, no cages kept, and - oh - 
he fought me clean, alone, up front - no rat. 

But since he had a "prior" he got hauled 
away, and all because of me! But she, 
that biker's imp, said I should not be called 
a wimp, though, any more - and frowned at me, 

a Kleenex patting gently on my brow. 
Then Jer', his lover Laura, and I resumed 
our way. She led, a goddess from the prow 
of some old ship. I trailed, soul-entombed. 

The only right or privilege my Parchment confers 
that isn't cancelled out by my follies and crimes 
is this Eternal Youth the credential ensures. 
But you get that without school, using just the rhymes, 
avoid the shame 'n disrespect, years' study gettin' hornia 
where hard dreams come true easy here in sunny California. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even though it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Political Coda 
Most citizens acknowledge reparations are owed 
to Native Americans by our old Uncle Sam, 
and that poor home-owners under tax burden bowed 
were due for relief – but our sold-out leaders' scam 
could grant the first wish only while they gambling 
                                       legalize, 
the second just with industry's big tax-break prize. 

Got the gotta keep on feeling 
even when it leaves me reeling 
'cause I can't just not feel any more blues. 

Envoy: "Drugs from Within"
 
When gray hill skaters learn to cheat 
and motorize the ol' two-wheeler 
endorphin high they thought so neat 
becomes adrenal thrill, much realer. 

If you prefer drugs from within 
you too might try adrenalin. 
It floods you out upon a Honda - 
of feelings few will you grow fonda. 

Of course one wants, when one reflects, 
hormonal joys that come with sex - 
which thought makes workout fans most blush 
who relish an endorphin rush. 

-Trilogy of My Heart-

Nowhere Land?

Nowhere

to flee anymore.

The world

mega trap

tightening noose.

Freedom an illusion.

The final dictator

probably already here.

Birds staying awake all night

chirping and squawking.

Dogs eating better food

than their masters.

AI controlling

behind the scenes…

Lining us up

checking our use

and when our time is gone.

Yet…

there seems to be more

happening.

A stroking of my heart

without a stroke crippling.

A whispering

in the breeze everywhere.

Is it me

or is it God?

I begin praying

looking up…

A twinkling in my toes

and the beginning of a dance…

in the Somewhere Land.

I’m Old

I’m old

but still walking

the streets

always the streets of life

people wondering

how everything changed so fast

so I slow it down

walking a little slower

my memories seeing

there’s more ahead

sun after sun

spotlight.

Strength

My wife takes care of me

with her gracious smile

humming as she works

in our little house

sturdy roof

from so many uplifting prayers

her strength

like the day to night

spin of earth.

Stephen Jarrell Williams has published over a thousand poems here and there and distant places where the light still glows.  He can be found on X Twitter @papapoet 

I am alive

Please don’t say me dead
I am still alive after death
I am living in the pages of history
In the laughter of a child’s mystery
I have conquered death of time
Now everything is mine
Look my face in the Flag
Everyday I rise with the rising sun
Every night I gossip with the stars
I fly  in the belief of patriots
And the hope of new generation
Every moment l listen your heartbeat
I hear what your tongue utter
I am not worried about my life
That I gave in the Liberation War
See, me, I am always with your prayer.
I am always with the feeling of crore
Death has nothing to do
I am over death
I’m still alive
And I will be alive generation after generation.

Lady Ice 

Keeping me in the dark, emotions
fail, a terminus point reached, and
subcontinent trivial murmur.

The poet glides as stealth, through
the catacombs, subterranean by
no fault; relic dawn and fading haze.

Mysterious union, mirrored souls,
dancing upon the lake of a forbidden
realm.

The flame will sway in her eyes, steal
away the frozen soul; lady ice living on
in a photo, the frame is shattered,

the heart forgets to hold down the beat.

Indecisive

The ravage of synthesis,

bone pearl night, glazed

bronze stars, phosphorus

and low mass, end of a

life cycle.

A symphony of love,

unleashed into the

wilderness, graveyard

in ruins, a druid palace

in mock prayer.

Wounded heart river,

hyperactive racoons,

conductor of their own

oblivious domain, a fox

crosses their way, the

world at large, completes

its slide; into madness.

The creative writings of Wayne Russell have been widely published over the years, The Cannon’s Mouth, Screech Owl, The Monterey Poetry Review, and Poets’ Espresso Review, are some of the magazines in which he has been published. Waynes first collection of poetry, Where Angels Fear, was published by Guarilia Genius Press in 2020; it can be purchased via Amazon.

Fred, Rick, and Me

            I got rid of my land line years ago, but I wanted to keep my old phone number, so I ported it to a VoIP account and set calls to go directly to voicemail. That way I could still use it for businesses I don’t want to give my cell number to, and also, since I’d had that number for so many years, in case anybody from the past wanted to get in touch with me. When somebody leaves a voicemail, I get an email with an MP3 of the message attached.

            The other day I was looking through my emails and saw one from my VoIP provider with the subject: New Voicemail. I opened the message and downloaded the audio file. I listened to the message. “Hi Peter, you probably don’t remember me. My name is Rick Stahl, and we knew each other in college. You might remember me as Fred.” I did remember him, vaguely. “Anyway,” the voice said, “I’m back in Brooklyn for a few days, and I’m wondering if we could meet for a coffee or something.” He left his number.

            I was surprised to get his call. It’s not like we were ever close or anything. I remember him as a nice guy, an English major, who was in several of the same classes as me. And I remembered his transition from Fred to Rick.

            Fred was a soft-spoken, short, slight-of-build guy who wore glasses with thick black frames, Buddy Holly-style, before they became ironically hip again. I ran into him once again after college, and he was completely transformed. He no longer wore glasses, so I figured contacts. He was tanned, and no longer had the body of a 98-pound weakling; he was wearing a tight black T-shirt; clearly he’d been working out. There was a gold chain around his neck. He seemed much more self-confident.

            “Fred!” I said. “How are you doing? You’re looking great.”

            “I’m not Fred anymore, it’s Rick,” he said.

            “Oh?” I asked.

            “It was my shrink’s idea. I was complaining about not meeting women, wanting a relationship, and he told me my problem was I had the self-image of a Fred. He suggested I change my name and my attitude, and it actually worked. I’m happy, I’m taking care of myself, and I have a great girlfriend.”

            I congratulated him, gave him a very brief account of what I was up to and we parted. I was actually hoping he’d show me a photo of his girlfriend, but he never offered. That must have been at least 40 years ago, and I’d never seen or heard from him again.

            Now, out of the blue, I get this call.

            Well, why not, I thought. He was a nice guy, and I enjoy social intercourse in controlled environments with a reasonable mutual assumption of time limitations. So I called the number he left.

            “Hello?”

            “Rick?”

            “Yes.”

            “This is Pete Cherches, returning your call. Peter.”

            I had changed my name too, in a small way. I kept Peter Cherches as my nom de plume, but starting at around age 25, actually not long after I had last seen Rick, I decided I liked the breezy informality of Pete in my everyday life. It had no effect on my physique or my love life, at least not that I was aware of.

            We agreed to meet by the college, for old times’ sake, at The Campus Coffee Shop, a couple of days later.

            I got to the coffee shop first. I had looked around and didn’t see anybody the right age to be Rick. A few minutes later a bald, chubby sexagenarian walked in. Definitely not Rick, I thought, but then he came up to my table and said, “Peter?” And I thought, oh yes, Rick’s face is buried in there somewhere.

            I stood up and shook his hand. “Nice to see you again.”

            When I knew him he looked kind of like Sal Mineo. But the guy I was looking at now was more of the Jackie Coogan, Joe Besser, or Don Rickles type.

            “You haven’t changed, Peter. I’d recognize you anywhere,” he said, as he took a seat.

            “You can call me Pete,” I said, without commenting on his looks.

            “Aha! So you did it too! Changes everything, right?”

            “What do you mean?”

            “The name change.”

            “Oh,” I said. “I just like the informality of Pete.”

            “I see.”

            I said, “I was surprised to hear from you after all these years.”

            “Well, when you get to be our age those old friendships start to take on a new importance.” I didn’t mention that we were never really friends. “So I figured as long as I was coming for a visit we ought to catch up.”

            “Glad you did.”

            “Remember when I changed my name to Rick?” he said.

            “Sure, and everything changed for the better.”

            “For a while, maybe, but look at me now.”

            I hadn’t stopped looking.

            “Well, we’re all getting older.”

            “Yeah, but in my case it happened sooner than later, and it was all Chanterelle’s fault.”

            “Chanterelle?”

            “Yeah, my girlfriend. I couldn’t believe my luck. She looked like a freakin’ model. And wild in bed like you wouldn’t believe.” I was starting to envy his former self.

            “So what went wrong?”

            “She met another guy.”

            “Well, these things happen. They sting for a while, but we have to move on.”

            “I wish that were so in my case, but it was who she left me for that irked the hell out of me.”

            “Someone I know?”

            “Yeah, Arnold Markowitz. Remember him from college?”

            I certainly did, though the only memorable thing about him was what an out-of-shape schlub he was for someone who wasn’t even old enough to drink. He was prematurely bald with greasy, stringy hair on the sides, had a body best described as roly-poly, a whiny voice, and perennially bad breath. I couldn’t remember anything else about him. Was he smart? What were his interests?

            “I do,” I said.

            “I couldn’t believe it. Here I was, all buff and tanned, a regular Adonis if you don’t mind my saying, and there she was leaving me for a loser like that. I was so angry and depressed that I started letting myself go to pot. Binge eating, couch potato, you name it. Then, after a while, when I was fat and out of shape, I realized, wait a minute, maybe I had become the type she really went for. So I called her. I said to her, ‘Chanterelle, can we give it another go? I’ve changed. I know you think I was unbearably vain and self-centered, but that’s all over. I’ve turned over a new leaf.’ And you know what she said? She said, ‘I’ve told you, Rick, it’s all over. Arnold and I are very happy together.’ Then I said, ‘Forget about Rick. Rick is dead. Call me Fred. Can’t we at least get together for a coffee or something?’ And she said, ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, Rick, I mean Fred.’”

            “So you never saw her again?”

            “Nope. Never on purpose, never by accident. But I did see Arnold once, on the street. I almost didn’t recognize him. He had lost weight, gotten into shape, and was wearing a tight shirt that showed off his pecs, with the top three or four buttons open, revealing a hairy chest. I mean Wolf Man hairy. He had shaved his head, and it looked kinda good on him. When he spoke his breath smelled of violet mints. ‘Man,’ I said, ‘You’re looking great. When did all this happen, the new you, I mean?’ And he said, ‘A few years after college. I was tired of being someone everybody thought of as an unattractive lump, so I took the bull by the horns and started working out, and everything just kind of fell into place. And I mean big time. I met this great girl. Smart, sexy, beautiful, amazing in bed, sometimes almost more than I can handle, but not quite—I couldn’t believe my luck. You’d like her.’”

            “Bummer,” I said.

            “Yeah, and then I said to him, ‘What about your name?’ And he said, ‘What about my name?’ So I said, ‘I don’t know, do you think Arnold goes with your new look? Not even Arnie?’”

            “And what did he say?”

            “He said, ‘I like Arnold. Arnold is my name. It’s who I am. I hate it when people call me Arnie.’”

            After that Rick and I made small talk, nothing worth recounting. About a half hour later we shook hands again and parted. When I got home I plopped down in my easy chair and thought about how thankful I was that I had never really considered making such a drastic change, though I was glad I had grown more comfortably into whatever, whoever, I, Pete or Peter, Pete and Peter, was.

Women 

They are born 

They do not become

They are the pillars of societies

Or tribes

They are

They exist

Women,

Creators of rainbows

Of Angels

Of Gods

Women,

Show them respect

As you respect your mama

Your daughter

Your sister

Women,

We are supposed to be all together

But the new societies

Makes us enemies

Cheap

Without care

With sympathy

Without empathy

Without self-respect 

If women they could remember their purpose

The world, it could be different

I wish i had a love

A love as it should be

No more take and take…

I wish I had a friend

As friends should be

Be close to hard times

Listen to our wishes

Support us

I wish I had met a person

Who could understand me

Only from my eyes 

Or my mood

But if I had all that

Maybe I would never write poems

Poetry is my path

Poetry is my strength

Eva Lianou is a Greek poet.

Head Case

Standing on the parking lot of the little strip mall, Trevor Baker leaned on his push broom and waxed philosophical. He glanced at the clock tower across the street: 12 minutes until Jan. 1st,, 1996, the dawn of a new year and for him, he knew, it would outpace every year that had come before. The wind began to pick up and tiny spicules of ice struck his exposed face. Trevor only smiled.

. . . . .

Trevor, enrolled in undergraduate school, raked leaves as part of his college work study employment. Money was scarce and he took his job, slight as it was, quite seriously. Occasionally he hunched his shoulders or made faces, almost unconsciously, and passing students glanced curiously at him. All at once a shadow fell across Tremor and he started.

“You got I.D.?” asked a campus policeman who was perhaps a decade older than Trevor’s 20 years. Tremor made no reply. He had found it auspicious to say as little as possible to the police. “C’mon,” urged the policeman impatiently. Trevor dug through his blue jeans and pulled out a wallet and turned up a driver’s license. “Are you on drugs? Are you loaded? Do you drive?” asked the cop rapidly. “Can you talk?” he asked. “Are you retarded, er, special needs?”

“I can talk,” Trevor assured him. “And I have a doctor’s statement saying I can drive,” he added.

“I’ll be the one to decide if you can drive,” snapped the policeman proprietarily. Trevor only shrugged.

The cop looked at him narrowly and then insisted upon a field sobriety test: follow my finger, watch my eyes, walk a straight line, touch your nose with your own finger, and so on. Other students and teachers observed Trevor and the cop curiously and Trevor was humiliated, although this was not the first time this had happened to him. Finally, more or less satisfied, the cop allowed him to return to work, with a curt warning: “Watch it. I’m keeping my eye on you!”

. . . . .

Trevor, fresh out of graduate school, crossed the hot asphalt parking lot, littered with snuffed cigarette butts, soda cans that had been run over by automobiles, crumpled pieces of paper and other urban detritus. As he approached the red brick building, he beheld a glass and metal door, with the words, Department of Public Aid emblazoned upon the glass. He pushed through and was nearly overwhelmed by the stench of urine, dirty diapers, marijuana and cheap cologne; this was 1989, when Hai Karate was still a best-seller. A small forest of cheap, pastel-colored plastic chairs rose up from the floor. In one corner sat a corpulent rent-a-cop reading a comic book and straight ahead was the service counter, with a large plexiglass screen separating the clients from the DPA staff. There was a line of people that extended nearly the length of the room. Making a beeline for the guard, Trevor asked him how one went about applying for Food Stamps. Trevor coughed and then twitched several times.

Without taking his eyes off his comic book, the fat guard growled, “I hears ya, fella,” and he pointed a finger at the ever-growing queue. Trevor took his place in line. The screams of babies and infants filled the air and Trevor could have sworn at least one person lit a joint. After about two hours of shuffling forward, he reached the front desk clerk, who handed him a questionaire, a pen, and a slip of cardboard with a number on it. At length, his assigned caseworker appeared from the nether regions of the building and mutely led Trevor to an interviewing cubicle. The worker was quite handsome, some years older than Trevor’s 23 years, and he smelled nice.  He wore a wrinkle-free dress shirt, chinos and a distinctive necktie. Everything about the young man screamed State Bureaucrat. He introduced Himself as Mr. Sweetin and reviewed the details of his new client’s identity as had been revealed to the front desk worker. He then proceeded to ask Trevor a battery of questions: Age?  Any bastard children? Work history? And so on. When Trevor confessed that he had a job, the worker’s whole attitude changed; he seemed to think they were both wasting their time.

He told Trevor: “With no dependents, if you have any kind of decent job at all, there is virtually no chance you’ll qualify for Food Stamps.” The program was for poor people. What was Trevor trying to prove, anyway?  All at once the caseworker wasn’t as good-looking as he had been only minutes before. While there were still no wrinkles in his shirt, there were sweat stains in his armpits. He didn’t smell as nice, either. And his tie was a clip-on. At length he stood, thereby dismissing Trevor. He told him good luck, and did he want to register to vote? Trevor didn’t. Before he departed, he asked if there were any employment opportunities with the DPA. The worker said there were many opportunites, for “the right person.”

“What does the position pay?” he asked. The caseworker told him. Trevor silently whistled. It was approximately three times what he earned at his first post-graduate job mopping floors.

Trevor asked Sweetin what qualified a person for a job such as his? Sweetin’s chest swelled importantly and he told Trevor that he’d need at least an associate’s degree, as Sweetin himself possessed, “to make the grade”. Trevor thanked him and slipped out of the cubile.

Crossing the lobby. he pushed back through the glass and metal door and arrived again at the torrid parking lot, with the cigarette butts and the crushed cans and a dead bird or two, his welfare adventure now complete. Shit, thought Trevor, I could do this. It was but a matter of a state employment qualifying exam, and one month later, Trevor was hired.

. . . . .

Trevor Baker and his current significant other, Sally, sat slumped at a table in the back of the tavern, taking in the entertainment; this was Sunday and Open-mike Night. On stage, a faceless guitarist played Van Morrison tunes, much to the appreciation of the heavily-imbibing crowd. Sally sat close, her bare shoulders aglow in the warm yellow lights of the tavern. Although marijuana was not yet legal in this state in 1994, a thin haze of pot smoke rose languorously toward the ceiling. Which reminded Sally: “Bake, do you wanna get high?” With Sally, this could mean anything from beer to pot, from cocaine to Quaalude, so Trevor raised an inquiring brow.

“I bought some Mexican this afternoon,” she told him, turning up a small plastic bag and shaking it evocatively. Customers sitting at adjoining tables gazed enviously at Sally.

Trevor took a sip of beer and considered. With pot, it only served to make him horny; with Sally, it put her to sleep; altogether, he thought, it was a wash. “Sure,” he agreed, coming to his feet. As Trevor and Sally threaded their way though the crowded bar, Sally following in his wake, Trevor scrunched up his neck, first to one side and then the other, then coughed loudly and shot his arm out from his body for just an instant. Most bar patrons, used to this display, paid Trevor no mind; others, unaccustomed to the behavior, stared curiously. Sally rolled her eyes a little and looked down, but said nothing.

After they had made love, Trevor went through his twitching routine anew and Sally said, “Bake. I’ve told you this before: I think you have Tourette’s Syndrome. Talk to your doctor, babe.” Sally was a registered nurse and knew whereoff she spoke.

“I did,” he said. “He said Tourette’s isn’t real and even if it is, there’s nothing you can do about it.” They’d had this conversation before.

“At the state hospital, where I used to work, they gave the patients Orap or Haldol,” she told him. “Ask him about those,” she urged. “Please, Bake, I hate to see you going through this without help.” She put her hands behind his neck and softly kissed him. He kissed her back. Sally, he thought, really got him.

“I’ll make an appointment tomorrow,” he promised, then screwed the lid off a container of cold medicine and decanted the syrupy green glop into a plastic cup.

. . . . .

The next morning, at the Public Aid Office, where Trevor worked as a caseworker, he sat at his desk, going through some pending files. Into the room walked Karen, a tall, slender coworker with whom Trevor had a newly contentious relationship. He’d overheard her say one time that “Trevor Baker is a pain in the ass. If he starts coughing and twitching again, I’m going to murder him.” Most of his coworkers were well used to his nettlesome behavior, but Karen seemed to take particular exception to it and found him a nusiance. As she made her way behind his desk, Trevor unleashed another hoarse cough. With a cry of exasperation, Karen, as she had done every day for a week, slammed a handful of cough drops onto Trevor’s desk. Sheepishly, he murmured his thanks. Without turning, she stalked on by.

Karen had found a key to retribution, however, quite by accident: inadvertently popping her ever-present chewing gum, she observed Trevor wince almost as if in pain. She repeated the action, garnered a like result. Trevor stared at her helplessly. Karen smiled tightly. This, she thought, was important information. Information she subsequently used again and again.

Trevor’s phone jangled. Seizing the receiver, he listened, thanked the caller and ventured to the lobby. There he found Vanessa, a 20-something client on which he’d done an overpayment the week before. “Good morning,” he said, leading the young woman to one of a rabbit warren of small cubicles branching off a narrow corridor. “How can I help you today?” he asked pleasantly.  Trevor made a point of always being nice to his clients.

“I got a bill,” she said, proferring the statement for the overpayment he’d calculated. “I don’t understand,” she said, staring at him forlornly.

He took the statement, reviewed it and said, “It’s money you need to pay back.” He’d gotten a field evaluation by an investigator, who cited Vanessa for receving AFDC funds for which she was ineligible. He hadn’t questioned the contents of the report; he received them all the time.

“Is this about Reanne?” she asked, referencing her 8-year-old daughter, a beautiful dark-skinned girl whom Trevor had met several times. When he didn’t immediately reply, she went on. “Reanna die four weeks ago, Mr. Baker. She drown in the city pool.” Stunned, Trevor stared at her.

“I guess that’s it,” he answered at last. “You see, if she were…deceased, then you weren’t entitled to receive money for her.” Realizing the enormity of what he was telling this young mother, he hated both himself and the agency for which he worked. “I’m sorry, those are the rules,” he said lamely.

She nodded. Coming to her feet, she said “I unnerstand. Thank you, Mr. Baker,” and she was gone.

. . . . .

Trevor sat in his fancy new ergonomic computer chair, an early Christmas gift from his parents. The spare, sandy-haired man was seated comfortably in the open-space public assistance office, where, since his lateral transfer from the city, he worked as a caseworker, managing welfare cases. He had been so employed for almost a year. This chair, he thought sadly, as high-tech as it was, couldn’t prevent his hands from shaking. Sometimes, on a bad day, it was worse than others; just now, his hands quavered furiously. Clearly, this was not a good day.

Working in the new office had taken some getting used to. Gone was the malicious Karen and the others who referred to Trevor behind his back as a “head case.” But, unlike his previous fellow employees, his new co-workers steadfastly refused to call him Bake, opting to use his childhood appelation of Trevor. Into the room strode Bert, a colleague at the agency, just back from lunch, who observed his co-worker’s afflictions with the usual bemusement. He took off his winter coat, placed his Starbucks cup on his desk, which was next to Trevor’s, turned to the other man and said, “Hey, Tremor, what’s up?”

Trevor instantly became self-conscious and tried to hide his twitching fingers. Although his Tourette’s was 90% under control with the medication he took, other conditions, which had like symptoms, were getting worse. Bert’s coarse misuse of his name only added tension to an already tense situation. Trevor waited for the next remark.

Bert picked up his coffee, took a sip, smiled winsomely, but said nothing. The genius to his technique of torturing Trevor lay in levying the insults and putdowns only half the time. Always keep him wondering when the other shoe would drop, thought Bert smugly. To that end, Bert unwrapped a stick of gum and slowly placed it on his tongue, watching the other man from the corner of his eye. He chewed rapidly, soon getting the wad of gum limber. Then he began loudly popping it. He smiled with satisfaction as Trevor reacted severely to the chewing and to the sounds.

Trevor, who already suffered the early stages of Parkinson’s Disease, had only recently been diagnosed by his neurologist as also suffering from misophonia, a condition in which the patient exhibits untoward reactions to certain “trigger’ sounds, such as lip smacking, gum popping, dogs barking, clocks ticking, or people chewing with their mouths open. As a result of this condition, Trevor routinely frowned, sighed, or even stared at his nemesis. Which only encouraged Bert all the more. Also accompanying these reactions were increased heart rate, panic, anger, and a strong, almost desperate desire to escape the source of the trigger sounds. Just now, Trevor glared balefully at the other man. Bert smirked.

. . . . .

“What can I do about it, Dr. Patel?” Trevor had asked, when told of the diagnosis. “How do we treat it?”

The physician shrugged impassively. “There is no treatment,” he told him bluntly. “You can wear sound-deadening headphones or play music or,” he suggested, “ask your co-workers to stop their annoying behavior.”

Trevor had this condition, in varying degrees, since he was nine or ten years old—more than twenty years ago—though in those days there was no available diagnosis.

“Trev,” said his father, when the young man was eleven, “pretend that dog’s not there; that’s a boy!”

“Mom and Dad are going to take you to a shrink,” threatened Trevor’s brother, two years older and embarrassed by his sibling’s constant overreactions to ordinary sounds, not to mention his face-making and twitching.

The malady was still relatively unknown. Even today, Trevor’s own MD unapologetically admitted that he had never even heard of the condition.

Throughout school, Trevor had felt that he wore a cloak of misfortune that no one else seemed to understand. Bert knew none of this; he knew only that Trevor was “different” and “sensitive” and must therefore be punished.

“Want a piece of gum, Tremor?” asked Bert, cracking the Juicy Fruit between his molars. Trevor closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and mentally placed himself somewhere far away. Snap! went Bert’s gum, and Trevor was figuratively seized roughly and wrenched back to the present, nearly sobbing with frustration. He felt a bead of perspiration trickle down his back. He had to do something!

He sprang suddenly to his feet and called out, “Ms. Shaefer, could I have a minute?”

Norma Schaefer, the office manager, also returning from lunch, frowned unhappily at her newest employee, but crooked a finger. What was it this time? She thought peevishly. “A quick minute,” she said. He followed her into her private office, dropped into a chair before her desk.

Once they were both seated, Trevor explained his recent diagnosis, described his symptoms, both physical and mental, and, in spite of  his abject embarrassment, appealed to her for help. He had previously had to account to her for his tremor, which was due to Parkinson’s, because some of his welfare clients, as well as his co-workers, had questioned his sobriety and his sanity. Some had even conjectured that he was undergoing withdrawal from alcohol or drugs.

“What do you expect me to do about it?” she asked impatiently. “I mean, I’ve never heard of this condition, and besides, how can I tell employees they can’t chew gum?”

“It’s just the popping,” he stressed, “and chewing with their mouths open; it’s not gum chewing itself. It’s the noise.”

Norma’s mouth formed a straight, unhappy line. “Look, Trevor, the state already stopped employees from smoking. Many of them substitute gum for cigarettes, and I think that’s a good thing.” At his disspirited look, she pounced: “Maybe casework isn’t the right job for you…” He looked up sharply. “You just don’t seem very happy here,” she added, with feigned concern. You have little to say to anyone; you’re not even signed up for the Secret Santa gift exchange this Christmas.”

Trevor cast his mind back to the office Thanksgiving party, which had been held only the week before. Sitting by himself in the break room, he had witnessed Norma herself eating noisily at the next table.

She sounds like a garbage disposal, he thought wearily, looking dismally at the otherwise elegant woman. “What are you staring at?” she demanded, dropping a Buffalo wing back onto her plate with a little click. “Don’t stare at me!” Her loud chewing hadn’t seemed to bother anyone else, he’d noticed.

Trevor blew out a tired breath. Norma spoke again, drawing him back to the present: “Your work is adequate,” she conceded, “but if you can’t get along with the other employees and you aren’t happy here, then maybe you should consider a change.” And she left it at that, stealing an overt glance at her watch. Pushing himself to his feet, Trevor exited the manager’s office, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

Thirty days later, just in time for the new year, found Trevor, Master’s degree and all, sweeping the breezeway that bisected the strip mall where he now worked alone as a maintenance worker and groundskeeper. The air was cold, the wind brisk, but he didn’t mind. The salary was scarcely adequate, but at long last he had found what he most coveted: peace and quiet. He sighed, smiled a little and wondered with genuine interest what Sally was doing. Peace, he thought luxuriously. It was so sweet.