New Chapter

While studying your lessons 
Do you wish to open the ball of clothy imagination? 
Do you care to lighten your path 
With a delightful conviction? 
While touching the books from your shelves 
Do you realize they are your 
Guiding kingdom breathing in you? 
The scent of pages of your books is 
A perfume of true human essence 
That has been inked by magical minds 
Surpassing generations. 
It can be the world you see with your mind's eye. 
What forgiving hands hold the books! 
A well-engineered nest of comfort 
Where even a winner of the world
Takes a dive of love into another precious heart
And losses his own. 
The teachings you choose 
Make you a teacher itself, 
A lifelong student deep inside
To appreciate the teacher of purpose. 
You may teach life a new chapter every day! 

2.	Pleasure Is the Forgetful Pain
Freshness, joy 
Height of bliss! 
Solitude is a name
Of beautifully alone early dawn
Even before good morning
Is greeted. 
Recollections keep finding itself in the 
Address of deep and dark dusk. 
In nature lies the truth 
The zeal to uncover, 
The moment to capture. 
The net of will casted to
Cage the wide sky is eternity. 
Forever the sleeping time awakes 
In one moment. 
The music of the rain 
Pleasure is the forgetful pain. 
In the atom of thought 
Simplicity chooses 
To become the only clarity.

                                                                                                                 Written by Sushant Thapa 
                                                                                                                                Nepal 

On A Night When The Crickets Insist

They are interested in power.
They have a passion for moving
large solid objects
with their minds.
They like waking up
and tennis, 
from which they draw
life lessons.
They like chess
as a metaphor
,
but they do not play.

They are past wanting
cars, watches or love
beyond affection.  They like 
frying
chicken in an iron skillet, 
and cornbread
stacked like a pyramid
on a dinner plate.

They don’t care about 
horses
except as backdrops.
They don’t know where
fatigue comes from
or where it goes.
Ideas, even those
filled with white moths,
are steamer trunks.

Their mother is 96.
Their daughter is 30.
They care about 
voter registration;
less so, but still,
to some degree,
about the minimum wage.

The moon is of no interest.

They have no interest
in construction sites.

At a reception, when
they see someone they
worked with years ago,
they brim.        Harto 
is the word in Spanish.

They have made 
their peace
with their partner,
though peace is not
what they thought
it would be.  

The center
continues to vibrate
like an impacted wisdom
tooth.  

They are clean,
sober and off Paxil.

On the walls of their townhouse
are souvenirs of longings
they once felt the possibility
of fulfilling

when a gallery opening 
made them sense 
that life
had been wasted 
on social missions.  

They love best 
at arm’s length.

They are not afraid
of famous or
powerful people or 
intellectual prowess
or athleticism, but
they love Simone Biles.  

They never
underestimate their
enemies, or mistake
passion for loyalty or
kindness for weakness.

The speed at which
the Earth moves 
as it circles the sun –
67,000 miles per hour --
is never far from their mind.

They used to go to a club
in the basement of an office
building in midtown
and nurse one beer.

People would sit down
next to them, start
a conversation, then
move on when they
didn’t respond
to the vibe.  Bees on
a blossoming tree once
meant something to them.

They like a Korean
barbeque place in Astoria.
They believe in God
without an ounce of anguish.  

They do not keep 
a clean house.
Their maid once quit
citing futility.

The hallway 
that goes 
from their front door 
to their kitchen 
has African masks 
lining the wall.

They are prepared for the end
that often never comes.

There are three people
whom they keep away
from their other friends
and from one another.

They sit on the board.

They have one cup 
of the real stuff 
in the morning,
then they switch to decaf.

They remember: 
on the Staten Island Ferry,
one New Year’s Eve, at midnight, 
in the harbor, out on deck, 
in the rainy wind with the woman 
whose idea it was to come, 
how their face felt, pelted 
with harbor spume and droplets
of rain, hurting, vivid, 
but they don’t remember
where they met her
or how the night ended.

They saw, early on,
the limits of what 
intelligence 
could accomplish, but
never escaped its
addictive gleam completely.

They like being in control
the way books put them
in control.  Pick it up. 
The book speaks. Put it down. 
It shuts up. Speaks.  
Shuts up.  Speaks.
Shuts up.   

It Is All Gone

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒊 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒆𝒅,
𝒃𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔,
𝒊𝒕 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕,
𝒊𝒕 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉,
𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒊 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒆𝒅,
𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒃𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒅.


𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 
𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅,
𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒅𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒓𝒐𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒅,
𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈,
𝒊 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆 
𝒎𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒍 𝒔𝒍𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚,
𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚.
𝒚𝒆𝒕, 𝒊 𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒏𝒐 
𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒖𝒕.


𝒔𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈,
𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈,
𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆,
𝒔𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒍𝒚, 𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚
𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒂 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅
𝒊 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒑𝒂𝒈𝒆.


𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 
𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒑𝒐𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎,
𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒉𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒎 𝒐𝒇 
𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒔
𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂𝒃𝒏𝒐𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒍 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒆𝒅,
𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒚 𝒋𝒐𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒏𝒌, 𝒂𝒏𝒅
𝒎𝒚 𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅s.


Poem By: Chris S. Suah

RIGHT ON KEIA


Wen you play 
dis crazy game

nutting is really da same

so you go easy, easy,
and be right on keia.


No freak ‘um out,
just blow kisses from da mouth,

and make dem realize
dat you know wat it’s all about,

right on keia 

half and half
hurricane and gentle wind.


Watch da leaves in da trees

and see da various degrees
on how tings stay gusting.


Read it all like wun map
and give ‘um right on keia

half and half
hurricane and gentle wind.


No even trip it,
moa bettah you HIP it,

so bebop da constant cop

trying to arrest
your innate sense of reason

and continue wit 
right on keia

half and half
hurricane and gentle wind.


Keep it level to da eye

even dough 
you stay up in da sky

and make 
da buggahs question why

dey no can bring you down.


Deah’s only one way to play,
as you move from day to day,

right on keia

half and half
hurricane and gentle wind.



right on keia        Keia means “this” in Hawaiian.
HIP                      Acronym for Hawaiian Islands Pidgin. 

Joe Balaz writes in Hawaiian Islands Pidgin (HIP) and in American English. He has also created works in visual poetry and music poetry.  He is the author of Pidgin Eye, a book of poetry.  Balaz is an avid supporter of Hawaiian Islands Pidgin writing and art in the expanding context of World literature.  He presently lives in Cleveland, Ohio.

The world of books

Books lived on a beautiful ground. Books controlled children to read books. The books were like family. They were upset that a child was reading a book. The boy's name was Ozodbek. He didn’t really read books. He was just tired of computer games. The houses were a mess, only computer games could be played. Books in the World of Books interviewed the Book Council with the intention of inviting him to read a book. 

The books worked hard. The child was sent to a dark room. There was a book on a table in the room. There was also a lamp next to the book. Ozodbek used to say, "I will not go there even if I die." Because he couldn't get a book at all! From somewhere he would say, "We have four conditions for you. If you fulfill them, you will go home, and if you do not fulfill them, you will remain in this darkness." Ozodbek, who are you? Why did you bring me here? 

There were more "meet the conditions" calls. In desperation, Ozodbek read the terms. He began to fulfill the first condition. The first condition was: "He must work examples from the science of mathematics." Ozodbek could not work the examples in the first. He could not solve the examples even with his hand. Anyway, there was no result. He was very sorry he hadn't read the book. Then he started reading the book from beginning to end, and he did it, he read the book. He then slowly began to solve the examples. He couldn't solve one example, it was the last example, because it was a very difficult issue. 

Ozodbek was playing on the phone when his teacher explained. It is not written in the example book. He thought, unable to remember. His friend Diyor had explained the example to him. Diyor's words were memorable. Ozodbek did not like his friend Diyor, he thought his friend was very smart. But, after that, he found out he was a good friend and solved the example. After solving the example, he was given awards from the world of books and a “congratulations” sounded. He moved on to the next condition. The next condition was very helpful to him. Because he had to introduce himself in some language. 

He had bought a book when the book market came to his school. At that time, Ozodbek received a lot of money from his father for the book. However, he had taken a cheap book and used the rest. But that book helped him. He taught the book German. He nodded and introduced himself. He also passed this condition. Those who could not get the books were amazed to see the change in it. Then the boy moved on to the third condition. The third task was difficult for Ozodbek. He did not pass this condition well. 

Because this condition was to tell the life and work of a writer. Ozodbek regretted that he had not read the book and had not listened to the teachers. This condition helped him. He hated learning about writers. But Ozodbek liked to study writers. And he was given the last fourth task. He was given a book, he had to read the book. As he read the book, his hands trembled and he cried incessantly. 

Because this book was written about a child who had never read a book ... He had read about the plight of a child who had not read a book ... Unfortunately, Ozodbek was sent home from a dark room. The world of books was glad that the boy was back to reading again. When Ozodbek came home, he cleaned his house and immediately began to read a book. After that he started reading books. Ozodbek left new impressions ... The world of books was calm. It all ended well.

Abdulloh ABDUMOMINOV,
is a 7th grade student at School No. 102 in Tashkent

Mood Disorders
By Abigail George

Pink watermelon flush in each cheek. Why didn’t you love me mum? Are you aware of the storm you created, rain pouring down, my heart feels as if red lace is wrapped around a stone, a canvas, the painter’s sketchbook. There’s an odd fairy lightness in her body, my sister’s body. There is no connection between us. No longer any sibling rivalry. And so, the image of the autumn chill is always on my mind. Leaves all set for death and their diverse origins, destination for a cool wilderness landscape that feels like a frozen North American lake. 

I remember the despair and hope in the eyes of young girls thinking they are wearing fashionable clothes. I remember the range of peace, the delicate flutter of the eyes of old women, the limbs now infirm, who long for the warm sea when they used to go swimming as young girls. I remember the love song in silence when I felt I could no longer escape him. How does he move in the lovesick world now? I am the ice woman, frozen to her core, wrecked. See the descriptions of the clowns at the circus. I am one of them now and forever. 

There was a sane life, an insane life, a reality, a past regret, a mistake that was made, a telephone call, an apology, laughter, past energies in a story and I was left to wonder how some people find love in this world. A love that is as ancient as rain, the apron in the kitchen amongst pots and pans, a feast-meal on the table on Sunday, daddy sitting on his throne. Childhood is lost on me, dead to adult me, past is past yet it still has such sweetness, its dissolve. And some nights it comes back, awful, familiar, all the gruesome stories with such clarity that I know it is not my imagination’s spell playing tricks on me. I want it to wash away all my sins' destination anywhere instead it says, ‘Remember me. It doesn’t matter who you love, who you fall for, who and what you desire or drink (alcoholic), watch the men dissolve. They won’t come back.’ 

And when the awful becomes too close for comfort I take to my bed after drawing the curtains, leaving the windows open for cool air, closing the bedroom door and I will lay on the bed until I can feel notes on grief begin to vibrate within me, as if they have a quiet, harmonic society and how beautiful and sad their symphony sounds to me. It is a breathing lesson, a lesson on suffering, on living, on life. What is brutality here? It is nothing but a memory, an interruption, and becoming a mute daughter. The flick of a belt buckle, a stinging wet cloth held under a tap of cold water, mummy, mummy’s red hands, mummy’s gardening hands inside the chilled earth, hard laughter, harsh words, running to daddy, feet bare. He is shouting at mummy. I look at her for the first time now and I see that she is tired. Her hands hang limply at her sides now. 

She says nothing. My skin feels as if it is burning all over. Daddy I am burning. Daddy I am crying. I am pink all over, then red. My skin feels raw, itchy. It feels as if I am Joyce Carol Oates’s harvesting flesh. She says nothing. She simply turns around and walks away. What did I do? What did I do? Where is the key to that country? How strange is the marriage of the mind to harvesting? The mind means education, psychology, something must be taught and something must be understood. To harvest means to bring closure to a season. This is what family means. To eat in front of the television, to scream and scream and scream until you can't scream anymore. Nobody will come to you, comfort you. 

And so I grew up, moved up, moved away from the world of a child and the games of the child and the adolescent and stopped believing that she lived a secret life. Perhaps mummy had a secret lover. She was beautiful in that way, easily bored in that way, did not find the same things that daddy found relevant and beautiful. They were from two different worlds. They were from two different cultures. She came from money and he didn’t. She came from Johannesburg and knew a specific way of life from there. 

My mother came with a Pandora’s Box, suitcases packed full of clothes from there when she arrived as a newlywed. My father came from Everywhere in Port Elizabeth. South End, Walmer, Fairview, North End, Korsten, a fisherman’s village called Port Elizabeth, Gubb’s Location, New Brighton, Zwide, Kwazakhele, Nelson Mandela Bay. Through the years those names became lodged in my memory as I studied his research wanting very much to hold onto it rather than send it to the archives at the University of the Western Cape (my father the political activist learning how to send messages using invisible ink), read his diaries from his London and European experience (I rediscovered him, his suicidal illness, and by this time I was enchanted by his depression, watched slides of the palaces he visited but I could never imagine myself there. It was enough for me to see Versailles as a tiny photograph held up against the light. He witnessed many great things, magnificent things of wonder. 

Daddy was wonderful in those days, a thinker, an intellectual, a teacher, a role model to me who brought me back to poetry. Because a fire was in my head like the studies of the Robert Muirhead poems I had begun to write, because a flash of winter was in my head like the chains of bitterness in a veteran photographer’s memory but there was also something unfinished inside of me, something had dissolved. Look for opportunities, the guardian band of gold around the sun said and that became my mission. 

I began to imagine other people’s shackles of pain, their chains, their prison walls put up all around them, the spirit of fear, hurt and rejection within them, abandonment, and spiritual neglect, poverty and for some reason it felt like I was multiplying gravity. I got tired of people asking me to smile please, you’d be lovelier if you did. Did I have courage, that mute child in the photograph? 

I’ve suffered but what is suffering anyway when compared to others. I have a mental switch but what do others have? What are their coping mechanisms? The universe gives freely to me. I have refuge if I want it. I have a sanctuary if I want it. Hope is there. In the arrival of it there is always freedom. There is always revolution in the mind of the poet and quintessence in the poetry that comes from the mouth, the voice, the straightforward thinking of that kind of revolution. I’ve met someone else. He tells me everything.  He isn’t afraid to tell me anything. And slowly the veil lifts my smile and becomes like a scar. My wounds are like stigmata. And I begin to see and hear everything again. Hope floats. 

There are angels everywhere yet I still feel incomplete like some kind of show off finding it tiresome to live normally like the people next door who weren’t embarrassed to get drunk in front of their children. I’m embarrassed by loneliness, despair and my bleak outlook on life. I know where you’ve been once upon a secret life. A secret life. Do insects have secret lives too and what is their best intention for all those years they live with secrets?  Therein lies their survival. When my sister comes home she and my mother sit down together as if it was the most normal thing in the world and they drink. They drink cocktails. Pink syrupy liquids that seem to sparkle, sparkling wines, Peach schnapps’, vodka and orange juice cool as ice going down their throats. I prefer my secret life.  

As an adult my mother, mummy is no longer my morning star and my sister is still my dream stealer. They have become my life, guarding the car keys and the bottle of milk stout. I have to find my own projects. According to God’s plan he wants us, me to act accordingly, justly, with integrity, humility. He wants us to go forth into the new world knowing that He is always on our side now and forever more. We’re all born with a philosophy, not necessarily a Plan B so to speak, and we want to bring meaning to our own lives. 

I found a book once called Norah’s Secret Life and as I was reading it I discovered many things about this woman whose life I wouldn’t exactly call exciting or romantic. She had ‘romantic’ love affairs but they were doomed from the start. She was or wasn’t significant but her life seemed to become something symbolic as if I had to have an opportunistic use for it later on in life. She was unfortunately not the marrying kind but she had a wealth of spiritual knowledge unlike any other woman of her generation and sometimes in the love affairs she had she would think like a man when it came to the ‘transaction’. 

In the material world men dominated she knew she could never win. And so she became like the smiling faces of children amidst poverty. When she wanted to escape she did what all men did, she educated herself, she painted, and she received visitors, she wrote unfathomable poetry that was never self-pitying but stories that were in a way. And in one way, perhaps she became the caretaker of so many women who lived in isolation of a society who would not accept them because they chose to live an unconventional life. At the end of one of her love affairs Norah seems to be coping with her new life as best she can like the stars in the evening sky when the earth smells clean and as fresh and new as vanilla. She is bright. Her spirit feels bright. It feels too bright. Her conversation can be illuminating and clever. She wants to be entertained. She wants to be filled with joie de vivre. She also wants to be pursued. Doesn’t any woman want to be pursued? 

Men are extraordinary when they are in pursuit. They have a grand perspective. They’re regale you with stories. The world becomes magnificent when they’re in it with you on their arm and you’re going places. It doesn’t really matter that you’re part of his secret life. They’re still pretty impressive. They make you feel desired, beautiful, and the grief that you once felt or had so strongly in your life above anything else is no longer triumphant. You’re no longer flying-walking-singing-chanting solo. It is the year 2013, nearly two in the morning, December and another Christmas has come and gone and my brother is about to become a father. I can’t mock him anymore. 

And in the exquisite compass of the infinite internal struggle between suicide, wanting to fly, wanting to have that family, that plan coming together, the memory, the thought of Plath, Hughes, Bessie Head, Anne Sexton, Robert Lowell I am still here. I am alive with an awakened spirit, with everything that I’ve put the sum parts of me through I have realised that I cannot turn back. I have to move on, move forward because I‘m the sun’s mistress and life after all is a mission. 

I don’t really see how my life could change after this, after all I’ve put it through. Two birds. Plath and Sexton. Once upon a time they were two birds on a mission too. Joy fills my lungs so does a surge for the realisation of humanity. Our survival. Our instinct. The little one’s name is Ethan. Ethan Ambrose. We’re all actors acting in a bit part there and a bit part here. My brother held this bright shining thing in his arms. Something that would be educated, instilled with his values, his parenting skills and I felt as if I was being torn apart by some primal, primitive animalistic force. And I knew that I would put the past Jean Rhys’s Mr Mackenzie’s (plural) behind me. 

I never had an ounce of ambition within me anyway. They had all come with the world’s territory. There it was. The undocumented love affair was really most of all inside my head however brilliant the man was and however bold his moves and brave I was to take him on. I knew something different now. I was more defiant like Norah was in her secret life because eventually she had found her way out. Nobody wants the ending of a book or film to be spoiled for them. 

Norah had found her way out and she was happy. As happy as could be. Women deserve to be happy. Men are altogether different. Lost boys everyone. They are always searching and I don’t think they ever grow up. Good things are born from painful experiences. Ropes, ropes and more ropes. I have had enough of them, the hangman’s noose and their knots with basic tension. I want a pretty city, with bright lights on the promenade as I walk into the sea, as I feel my hair against my skin, my feet bare, the night air so crisp and all I see is the clarity of my mission. 

The sun has her mistress and there is a man that lives on the moon. I am a drowning visitor. I sink further and further away and I finally grasp the shoreline. Here I am free. I have hours to think, I am no longer trapped by gender equality and who wants to trapped by equality, brutality, everything gruesome, obituaries, by hours, and things of childhood-making. 

Starving landscape after starving landscape, brittle like filament, a burst of thirst pulsating like a shiver, a thread of sweat, a breath, a river, shamanic wisdom, the normal who live next door, the other side of the mirror is buried under smoke, the incessant flap-flapping of the wings of moths, seasons draw wrinkles on my mother and father’s face. A green feast shoots up everywhere in the garden and everything seems young, fresh and new again. 

The rain has its own way of thinking and it is a way that humanity will never understand. It can be a beast. A serious beast with a serious intent who remembers their vowels in a coolly distracted way on a hot-cocktail-drinking day in apartheid South Africa while sunbathing next to a chlorine-blue swimming pool in the backyard. The earth on the other hand has a vision of her own. 

I see all of these things in the mansions of my imagination. Something is bright within me. I enter into a contract with them. I am lifted up, up and up. I am standing in a forest. I look up and what do I see. The blue jewel of the sky. God’s sky. God’s forest. I close my eyes, feel the sun against my skin, and imagine standing on the beach, a lone figure watching the waves and their never-ending spiritual love story (spellbinding ghost story) with the shoreline. I step forward feeling the burden, the will of the river-sea rises up to meet me. 

I no longer stand tall, my wounds are frozen, the physical, the deep pain is numbed and becomes a posture, the world turns upside down and I am being navigated towards something greater than myself, away from painful experiences of the past. The lasagne tastes good. It was made by a prophet, my mother. The prophetess. Once I was skin and bone but they didn’t call it anorexia nervosa in those days. In those days I had to ‘perk up’. In those days ‘I had to pull up my socks’, ‘put meat on my bones’. 

These days I think about my ancestors. I have ancestors. Everyone does. Everyone who lives on this side of the world. Dark skin, white skin, mixed race, different faith, rituals and the burning of incense that comes with them, doctrines stored away like a file of a case study in a psychiatric institution (mental hospital) they all tread on religion at some point in their lives. They have their own exact perspective. 

And when I dream I dream of the waterfall of the past when I was a girl. And everything that I see makes me feel wonderfully calm, as if I am made of substance. I remember when I first drank red wine (it came out of a box), when I first tasted, really tasted basil, felt as free as a bird with a broken wing, drank a soup made entirely out of noodles, fell in love with sushi (fish with no eyes in a blanket of sticky rice), a girl, a boy, the world, a married man who dominated me and the world around me. 

And so the world of my childhood-making, mummy and daddy evaporated. I still remember the man’s skin, his knowledge of the universe, his experience and influence, how his flesh became my flesh, how I could see him as a boy and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. It made my heart sing. It made words dance maddeningly inside my head, on the page of a book and I could finally see past, present, future merging into one. I moved from one unpredictable, unusual affair, situation, and relationship to another and I grew up and became more fragile, that is my common sense and sensibilities and my ambitions grew into humility and humility grabbed with greed at the wuthering heights of my pride. 

The people that I knew once passed on. Nothing unusual about dying, moving to another city, moving forwards even if it is towards poverty, marriage, terminal illness, suicidal illness, mental illness, the icy grip of the panic of terror and anxiety. Time. I don’t believe in it and I never will. Time steals away your dreams, your soul, your spirit, your childhood. It closes in on you until you are forced to face your deepest fear. Death stands there in the gap from this world to the next. 

Eternity. It is not loved. It is not nurtured. It is not a paradise-in-waiting. When I meditate I go inside myself and see God. There is no longer a divide between the wards of hell and the divine paradise of heaven. One is a lake of burning fire, choking smoke and plumes of ash and the other one is locked and a saint stands before the gates leading into heaven. Death has always been there, looking down, or over my shoulder and with each step that I take Death follows me with a steady pace. I’ve never seen Death’s face but I have been frightened that when my time has come my work here on earth has not been done. I do not want to leave anything incomplete. Everything must be put away, packed in boxes, connections that were once as alive as electricity must be disconnected. 

I’ve been close to death. Close enough. I think about you a lot. You were kind, nice, sweet, and younger. You made me feel like a museum piece, a statue. It’s been years since I’ve seen you. Not so long ago we sat and laughed as if we were old friends, good friends. I made you coffee. You made me forget my sadness, my manipulative nature, my family’s arrogant manipulative nature and in some small, adequate way I began to feel alive again as if I could survive everything that life had arranged, assembled for me. 

But I am bad for you. I am not the chosen one meant for you. How can I make you understand this? I do not belong in your world. There is nothing welcoming or bold about the arrival of me. Choose another. I am giving you your freedom. Hush. Here. Now go. I want to watch you, study you, watch you fail, surrender, let go, fight for the underdog, understand you, comprehend you, what makes you whole, what makes you think, what do you love? What opinions do you have on the current trends in politics, who will you vote for this year, do you believe in magic, why have you not forgotten me, what do you remember, do you have any fears (do you have any fears about my disability), what anchors you? 

In forgetting you, the pieces, the tiny bits that refuse to evaporate have become distilled beautifully and I also have realised that I need to write more than I need human company. I don’t care about ambition. If other women think you’re arrogant let them think that. Don’t waste your time, your energy on them. If other men want to destroy you, your empires, your soul then let them think that they are getting away with that. I’ve forgotten about your mistress, your ego that strokes your vanity (that I can’t take away from you). It belongs somewhere else but not in your personal space. 

Children need the ego. It makes them feel different in a special kind of way in a world filled with ducks and games. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke but am intrigued by women who do smoke, with their airs and graces, with all their manufactured secrets and that one slim cigarette held between their fingers. The women in my family do not smoke. They’re like a union of spies. I only learned about fear late in life. They do not drink red wine out of a box only fruit juice cocktail on special occasions like birthdays, Christmas and Easter. They do not sit for portraits, go to parks, spread out a blanket for a romantic picnic lunch made for two. They only go to the beach in December when it is the summertime in Southern Africa. 

There’s something clean and pure about depression when it is looked at with the round peg that can’t fit in the square hole in the eye. Clarity is found and so is rest. The people-traffic-zoo outside is possessed with identity and the idea of not emancipating themselves. Why would they do that if they think that their reality, their dreams, their goals and their imagination is enough for them? The stem grows. The branch reaches forwards and we all move towards the light hoping that it will put the spotlight on us. 

When I feel weak inside is when mummy speaks to me. My heart slips and thuds inside of me at the same time. There’s no awakened rhythm in that red palace. All the voices of mother, father, mummy, daddy, sister, brother become familiar to me. They are not the same people all of the time and their visions are awesomely vibrant and energetic, burning like phosphorescence, a lone star. They orbit me. The invisible air tastes like salt. My mouth gulps down slippery seawater that licks the insides of every one of my teeth. I want to feel you inside of me, as I open up to you like the flowers of a manuscript. 

I’ve already lost you to another woman. Is she a girl, does she have a matron’s figure at a girl’s boarding school or is she as dead to you as I am to you now. I don’t say these things to get at you, to think like you do, to get inside your head I’m just lost in the silence of violence like George Botha, Richard Rive, Kevin Carter, Dulcie September, Arthur Nortje and when I feel most intensely lost is when I write poetry, that is when everything I’ve collected in my heart comes out. I really don’t care for now’s sake if I never saw pictures of you, heard sob stories of you again in my life, your living memory, so romantically-felt is enough for me and it will stay with me until the end of my lifetime. 

The heat. It’s hot, intolerably-hot and there is nothing I can do to eliminate it. Was I really loved as a child? It serves to improve the lies I keep telling myself. That I am not pretty enough, tall enough, enough for enough’s sake. There are millions of children who are not loved, who bathe every day in dust and shit. Life is designed for oppression, ridicule, rejection but also for liberation. In some wanton way the world makes us want to move backward without us having any say about it. 

House torched. It was burned down to the ground with two children in it. The door was locked. The mother was away. There was no father as there is often in these cases. And so another community is brought together but this is no celebration of life. They thought a witch lived there. It shows how fragile we are as humanity. And I am preoccupied with love when the world around me is burning. These are all things we wish that could be buried in peace and dust and memory. 

There are happy, healthy progeny. Mums that are glowing in a blue and white hospital gowns. Their skin radiant with life but what happens when you like writing poetry about death, grief and denial. It is a land that time forgot. This kind of writing (poetry) is a writing that so few people can understand. There were no angels on the frontier when pioneers confronted wilderness and poverty in Southern Africa just dust that has been here for millions of years. 

The lasagne tastes good. It was made by a prophet, my mother. The prophetess. I’ve worshipped her all my life. She has taught me how to forgive, how to live, and I am beautifully grown now. Although the universe is still sweeter, purer, more honourable than I am with all its untitled interpretations. How can the extraordinary unconscious of the universe be anything but baffled by humanity. I am. People are not as invincible as they think they are. Freedom fighters every one? Unfortunately no.  Coldness. Aloofness. Indifference. Introspection. Suffering. Water. Ghost nations. Precious bittersweet gifts everyone. Nothing belongs to us.

Title: Saved by His Grace
Adapted from a book by Chimezie Ihekuna (Mr. Ben)
Screenwriter: Robert Sacchi

Rev Michael Xhosa’s ‘Saved By His Grace’ sermon becomes a practical test of how saved he is in Christ through the character of Dan, his son, whom he single-handledly raised when his wife, Felicia died.

Genre: Feature

For reviews, production consideration and other publicity, please contact us through the email addresses below:

– mrbenisreal@gmail.com

– rsacchi@rsacchi.20m.com

Synopsis/Details: 

“Promoting the message of our Lord Jesus Christ to all the ends of the earth through the church, depopulating the kingdom of hell and expanding God’s kingdom on earth and speaking the Bible language as led by the spirit of God to all situations, brethren and the heathen” and “Inviting to the church the less-privileged and unbelievers, providing for their immediate needs through several welfare schemes organized by the church and all its branches and ensuring that they hear the word of God for themselves” were the respective visions and missions that Fountain of Truth stood for.

As conceptualized by the two founders, Reverend Michael Xhosa and Pastor Bode Damilola, with the former as the active front-man for the church, the church since its inception have been living up to the stated expectations.