Blue Movie Murder (Mystery) #1
Nymphs frolic in the woods but no
one does it like the water babies.
Not even Charles Kingsley and the Forever
England boys formed on the fields
of Eton. No nymphs there. No Lolitas
either, Delores Hazing prohibited,
banned forever from libraries and
dormitories. Even the Classics banned.
Have you ever read Chaucer?
Talk about blue movie subject matter:
Randy housewives swiving and swiving
Galore! The French fabliaux that inspired
them, worse. And Boccaccio! Forget about it.
There is no such thing as a shy, retiring
Chaucer scholar as Terry Jones said in
his profile for that Monty Python movie
and he was one too. At Oxford. A Chaucer
scholar and a Monty Python. Whose life
was Brian’s, anyway?
Blue Movie Murder (Mystery) #2
Is your queen, Ellery?
Is your Rex, stout?
Does your brew pub have an IPA
as hearty as a Winter Ale or a Gunness
black and tan revolutionary taste, bud?
In an upstate city like Rochester
with a view where the Genessee falls
processing labs refine negatives
shot with actual film, blue as a winter
sky after two feet of snow. All the actors
have names that are clearly made up,
script consultants have received their
redundancies. No one is watching a blue
movie for nuances of plot and characterization.
Blue Movie Murder (Mystery) #3
dinner theater, not your grandmother’s
Agatha Christie with full frontal nudity
though someone always dies in the end.
Dying is the whole point, just ask
John Donne. The bells tolled for him too
but in his randy youth, dying was a full
time avocation. No strutting on the stage
for him, cutting out the damned spot,
no, ‘hence horrible shadows,’ just
A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning and
Just A Flea, among others. Ah, “all my pretty
ones.’ So much for a sermon on the mount.
Blue Movie Murder (Mystery) #4
“Dying all the time,
Lose your dreams and
You will lose your mind
In life unkind.” Lunch,
an entrée from Ruby Tuesday,
an apple from Bee’s, a chic from filets.
The sou chef is the prime suspect in
Who is Killing All the Great Chefs of Europe?
I’d hate to end up like Christopher Morley,
as a blue plate special for Judith after
Holofernes. Does your Tibetan bowl,
sing? A day in a life on the Magical
Mystery Tour.
Blue Movie Murder (Mystery) #5
in a time of butterflies
the State is the killer. No
need to wait for the last reel;
the great reveal. Anyone who
disagrees, disappears. Simple
solutions to complex problems.
Just like magic.
Blue Movie Murder (Mystery) #6
A case for the true detective,
take your pick which one.
Jodi Foster was in the weirdest one:
Nothing blue about the perpetual
Midnight Sun. But the murders,
man, the murders were gruesome,
something like 40 Words for Sorrow,
for some human ice sculptures at
True North. Way too cold for porn.
Blue Movie Murder (Mystery) #7
Laura Palmer sealed in Saran Wrap
stays fresher in the fridge. Even when
she is full of nine inch nails, “She’s gone,
she’s gone, she’s gone.” I can’t remember
what I came here for. In The Roadhouse
all the drinks are free, watered down with
blood, sweat and tears. She made me so
very happy, she weas a mystery girl.
All the girls are a mystery when you see
them through the slats of a closet door.
Once they put on the velvet gloves,
the spot lights glow blue and Dean Stockwell
sings, In Dreams, until we end up in the back
seat of a stolen car with Alex du Grand and
his white clad droogies. Make yourself at home,
the coroner said in the morgue, coffee, tea?
There’s a soda machine down the hall,
help yourself.