| a family history i’m trying to play it cool with the medical procedure i have tomorrow morning i’m trying to not think about what they could find when they look at my stomach that a family history of cancer and god knows what else is nothing to be concerned with that i’ll simply be a little groggy when my sister drives me home listening to some music, thinking about how much i hate thanksgiving god has all the answers i laugh when they tell me god has all the answers for me so, i suppose i was supposed to learn a lesson from my cousin molesting me or my father never telling me he loved me before he died trust me i can take a fucking hint he ignores me and i show him the amount of respect he has earned just not the one i have had more than one woman tell me i am a great guy, just not the one and on these nights alone where the world makes it feel like the one for me never existed in the first place the mind starts to wander back to my youth and the first time i tasted my own blood where i started to question my will to live and accept the pain how many times can a person talk themselves out of death how many times can a man listen to himself cry before enough is enough it’s one thing to realize being unloved it’s another to stomach knowing that’s never going to change already burned too much fell in love with a mystic she was already burned too much by this world one of these days i hope to find bliss dripping from her lips and an eagerness for just one special night before either one of us finds the sweet relief of death shopping on my porch a little over three weeks from christmas wondering if anyone has the guts to go shopping on my porch this year |