of then

i enter the tunnel
and am shot back instantly 
to hanging around 
and scoring here 
for that secret time 
in my young life

and this chasm 
to anywhere 
still existing 
since my youth 
is one of the bleakest places 
i’ve been for decades

but it makes my heart race 
because i so remember 
the draw it had on me 
desperately needing 
to feed that clawing 
internal hunger

i stop still
close my eyes and open them
allow the beating of my heart 
to merge with dripping water
moan of a cruising seeker
barking dog somewhere near

i fall into the self i built
pathways tackled
courage moulded
strength to run
knowing from age
this wasn’t the place for me

i turn and step softly 
out of the murky hole
past lost memory echoes
some trapped here forever
jeering vague around me
but unable pull me back

pace away 
clean 
from what it was
and meant 
to me of then
not now 

why anything

dwelling on collaborations  
and agonising over those 
encountered throughout 
the journey as it unfolded
gives little to what eventuated 
from consequences occurring   

storing of regret misery  
offers practically zilch
towards gaining answers 
associated with trauma
unexpectedly arriving  
in the domain of hoped for  

failures cobbled tight into 
a construction of gathered
evidence recycled for answers 
when direction is halted
is only what is and no use
in obtaining why anything

terminal illness avoided to date 
by perhaps luck was a chapter
in a sneaky scripture designed 
by no more than fate and chance
so how can anyone’s analysis 
be so ignorant to spit death guilt  

self-gained knowledge held 
rising from ignoring them
sings tunes that have not danced 
to anyone ever before in time 
and so false guarantees are not 
part of the predicted contract 

growth stumbling chaotically  
into a something managed life
leading from their prescribed 
may deliver alternative roads
making invalid wasted preaching 
all of us and not just me and them

for sanity’s sake i decided to avoid 
crowd expectation and opinion
stifling me to not jump into queer me 
my only melody to self-realization  
gifted to me by me is to sing to them
fuck off with your judgemental tactics