The Vorg

Sally was standing at the kitchen window over the sink one night, peering into the darkness, when the saucer landed in her back yard. Instantly her eyes opened wide and she shouted, “Duke, come in here. ET has landed!”

Her husband of 40+ years tumbled out of his recliner in the living room, tossed his newspaper aside and made a beeline for the kitchen. As he walked in, Sally mutely pointed out the window. Duke craned his neck and stared.

“Goodnight, nurse,” he muttered, then opened one of the cabinets and extracted a small black revolver. Taking out a box of ammo, he fitted bullets into the empty chambers, opened the window and pointed the weapon at the invaders.

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

With the smell of cordite thick in the air, the pair peeped through the window to see what damage Duke had done.

An alien, ghostly gray and three feet tall and with shadows where its eyes might have gone, approached the window, levitated and handed Duke the three spent bullets. There was no sign of damage to ET.

“Gblrbg!” scolded the alien.

Duke blinked down at the undamaged bullets.

“What is he saying, Duke?” inquired Sally.

Duke turned up his cell phone and said, “Alexa, translate Gblrbg.”

They waited for a moment, then Alexa said, “Ass wipe.”

“Thank you, Alexa,” murmured Duke.

The alien began to speak, but Duke presented his iPhone and the alien started anew.

At length, Alexa translated the verbiage as: “Astral parasite, we of the planet Vorg intend to mine your miserable world for precious Ygbl (cigarette butts) and Zglzh (plastic waste) with which to replenish our stock of planetary fuel. Resist and you will be hgsgl (neutralized). Cooperate and we will make you wealthy as Ythgx (Croesus). Our excavation will take approximately thirty of your earth days.” ET then withdrew to his saucer.

Sally and Duke stared at each other, dumbfounded.

One month to the day later, the alien returned to the kitchen window and handed Sally and Duke a king’s ransom in precious jewels. The pair accepted the riches avidly and bid the alien farewell. They watched as he returned to his spacecraft and prepared to embark, when suddenly the saucer violently exploded. Sally recoiled and screamed.

“What happened, Duke?” cried Sally.

“I reported the aliens to Homeland Security,” replied Duke quietly.

“But why?” she said incredulously. “They took all the cigarette butts and plastic waste from the planet,” she protested. “What did they do wrong?”

“They were using up possibly valuable resources,” Duke told his wife. “Some of them mated with earthlings and they were poisoning our blood lines.”

“But, they seemed so nice,” remarked Sally distractedly.

“On their planet,” said Duke, “they were probably thieves and rapists and escapees from insane asylums.”

Sally looked out and the still smoldering embers of the saucer and sighed.

“I guess you’re right. They must’ve been interplanetary vermin.”

The next day another similar saucer hovered over their backyard. A voice from the saucer said “Do not attack. We come in thanks. We wish you well and have many blessings to bestow upon you.” This time no translation was needed.

Before Duke could grab his pistol, Sally asked him to listen to them.

The saucer landed and a similar alien came out of a portal and approached. “We got our language skills from people who were selling what you call cheap crap on television. Thank you for killing criminals from our planet.”

“Were they thieves, rapists, and escapees from insane asylums?” asked Duke.

“No, but they were intent on overtaking Vorg. We didn’t want that. What we want is ice cream, Coke, Brazil nuts, and coffee. And of course the Russian women who want to marry American men. You will like what we offer in exchange.”

“What’s that?”

“We can send more of what the criminals sent before, or we have saunas and salons which generate their own power, our pets which you will love and will love you if you know what I mean, and honest politicians if anybody is interested.”

At this point Duke said “Sounds good. Let me see if I can get our leader.”

The United Nations decided to send football hero Pitt Yazoo to meet with the Vorg leader Emile Stanza. The interplanetary leaders came up with a compact which was taken to world counsels on both planets. It was adopted.

While the fate of the Russian women remained an open question, Vorg sent what earthlings would call three-dimensional, interactive videos to earth. Many of those who saw the videos signed up. Their messages back to earth got more recruits, some from married women.

At the signing ceremony Stanza again thanked the earthlings for the service they’d rendered.

“What exactly were those criminals up to?” asked the American President.

“They were intent on taking over Vorg after making weapons of mass destruction with cigarette butts and plastic waste,” explained the Vorg leader. “You saved our pghtx (bacon)” he said gratefully.