All About the Small Funeral Business
A. How to Establish the Small Funeral business
Thank you, Doctor, for taking time to come speak to us today.
No Problem, Duke. After yes, after all, yes, all, after all. Yes. Great! Then, let’s start at your front. And that’s a good start—yes, all right—but, take care things may actually turn jarringly downwards. Perhaps much too jarringly. Y’ know? Y’know? Know as well? Pe? What? What? Am I ill? Ha! Yes. Fun. That’s right. So, ‘inny’ay, we seem off on one fine start, popp’d headed fer that one, two, sue, so, soo my face anywarts, my dead spaniel, not to trash no mo’ viewer time—go on, but—first, io. Pe petun, tentunio?
Fascinating.
Hiccup!
Yappo-stanzo?
Yes, yes. ‘nyway; here’s how to pop every small funeral business. ‘now no one will come ‘f we’re not serious, sane, sober—sanely, serious, so. If you pick up an existing funeral business, then you, on those Morrissey’s mark out that twatchemmbrrr—should git up‘n go! But; am I ill, or what? Ha! Aeeroplaneee, Bruce. And right now, too. The port’s that way.
Bet me. Whomp.
K; the story within this coffin (poiuytrewq) business, this business that we—ah hoo—picked up within this business, you may also obtain one used. Perhaps take over a small funeral business mysteriously walked off from by its young married couple—ah hoo. ‘he whole of what we saw ending up of began, up between prior partners as an innocent game of nightmare level professionally played version sixteen used copy of The Chasms of Mister DeFrance. What? Am I ill? Ha! Surely so. Surely ‘s to tha’ they found out the hard way it wasn’t ‘ll ‘s cracked up t’ be. Nio petu.
My God!
(mnbvcxz)
But, you just catch breath, pick up, and get up, and go, and you should be prepared to exercise restraint in radically changing—ack—the ones before you here, most likely were fanatics; ‘na coffin ‘lly business fanatics, for this very right here casketentational aerosoulian business. So, go on saying doing and whutz much the same so’s the focus’s snot so as to generate negative word-of-mouth assuming all your slumber rooms will surely remain empty; caused by you only you sitting on things with a far too different weight, in an opposite spot, tilting things o’ the bad side of the business. This gaucho-cracked big stout hot of an idea, cam’ from t’ first of the male halves. But Frank, hey, wait—do ye even get it? Uh-WOK! Big battle! Am I ill? Ha!
Do you even get it?
Spluttery splattery uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh.
Is that by Maestro Von Fistula? You’ve most excellent taste!
Oh, what—what?
Have we cake? Of course. We can wait while you choose. Of course. Check the display case. Up at the register. Do go on. We have many varieties. And—if we don’t have one that you like, and you don’t buy one, you’ll pay nothing.
Deal?
Hey!
Wow.
B. How to Organize the Small Funeral Business
Organization should be slick, swift, right, ‘n-n after the initializationing pop of your new small funeral business, done t’ accordingly stay/get in tune with the clientry. One way’s dat dot toone, ah-who, thought they must be still from now t’all infinintentionnillity-toone, could determine to lie still a full eight hours, in the name of simple empathy, leaving no way out, and no choice, no cancel. Just in death there’s no choice, no retry, no cancel, ‘nd no way out, as the inevitable nothings roll f’ward ‘nto simply less of theirs-selves, longing to someday play-y p-p-p-piano-for-people, but never quite arriving that far. The foul effects of being within this reality rots them down, guts them out, strains to nothing them down to all gone, in their box. This is why they call it forever, my people! Like—I mean—why the hell you think it says this side toward enemy on these Claymores, soldier? A gross mistake you’ve made today, and look at the grisly results. Now; am I ill? Ha! Am I ill? Still think that, pups? Ha! Gripped g ‘n s strength of-f theirre relishionne-ions, they fatally arranged to be hammered-in so as not to give in to their devils for the whole eight hours, straight. You there? A question?
Yes. Hammered-in what, Mahdi?
Oh, just some holybox. Ho’ ‘ly bo’. Holybox. Like that—Herb-Ox. There you go. How’s boutcha? Get offenda’ that bouillon? That silent and sure properly made broth-soothe, with which to ensure A guy. B-bouilloninskiteen-man; in and of his—very self. (Atchoo!) He ended up hung, on his very last yesterday—gag gahh whistelty-spitt—maybe approximately five, three two one, ‘r maybe a good twenty—(phase=spirit/simple) years back. Oh, arshi na-shi narsh. Oink. So night after night became all the same—recapo recappi; into their box they went, first; then, one hundred ten nails ball-peen hammerdowned by their handyman Thaddeus; y’, hammerdowned solid tight and ball-peenly, all ‘round the full edgetop ‘bout them, each in the name of that empathy, and so, so, so. So; tightly interiorized i’ this way, they’d spend just each night; for years. In their oblong box. Like clockwork. What? Am I ill? Am I ill? Am I ill? You keep asking. Keep asking. Why you keep asking? So dense, so dense; no doubt my spaniel boils better eggs than you! ‘arshi narsh’ e’, ha! Quite unusual. But—by the late ‘gen’ Stan Potter, give thanks. Sort of. Like—petu-raggo. Okay? Okay? Okay?
Okay. Plop.
Fine. But so, like I tried on to say a’fore; each and every of their nightly deep coffinizations rushed up toward morning. The finish line for them, where, ah; what a God-damned relief, yes, and; always the same returned handyman Thaddeus. Came ripping o’the solidly driven nails, out-yanking them swiftly, one by one. Snot. Ha! Soup. Sorry, but heavy water’s sold out hours back. Try the big chief general store and rent-a-closet center cross town. They’re nearly as potent there. And with fewer side effects. But, to our young couple. Each morning the comfort. Oh, yes. Ahhhh! Always, as promised; the comfort of escape; the inrush of onrushing air—so sweet! Sorry. Sorry. Oh, yes. Those sloping shoulders will get you rejected. Don’t even bother. Sure, sure. There is no use. Petnio. Sorry, so sorry. What? Peio. There. We all right now? Good—ought to ought to ought to be decades of repeatedly mournful customer families—good.
C. How to Fail the Small Funeral Business – Stage One
But as for them; they had no idea a day would come when ‘fter nailing, their fast-flailing Thaddeus, down in his cellar, would work some few hours knotting a big fat self-hanging rope. Sometimes he simply liked the way it smelled. And by God, he used it, too—before his next actual morning! And so there they lay—stuck. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Who me oh sure, must be—deaf-ceteria next few ‘rs of dying and go figgur’—sort of like—trapped? Now how many things can that mean, stupid? Spit! And those there butts how of why realtor got them and under it all dug to us. Rock-Ball. Obey Vader’s rule: steer for your crash elegantly; become a legend.
But anyway. That was the end of the both of them together—but—what’s that?
A question—there?
What the hell is a—Rock-Ball? Huh? Am I ill? Ha! Bland-sockery’s all. Outside of that much, you’ll fail to get it. So be dump’d. Hoist, hoist etuniop tupeoin whoosh, down, and like that be totally dump’d. There that like all th’ other watra goesh; and! Chicken’d-la-la-noodley! Ho! Am I ill? My word, how do you mean? Of course my skull-size is nonadjustable! It is some silly modern epidemic! Ha! How’d you not know that? How twisty! Oh, how twisty! Oh, of course! Oh my! How’d you not know? Hey, look, wow; your condition is non-diagnosible. Which is totally worse. One shortcoming after another. Silly me. We ought have taken the right fork nine miles back. D’yah think? Yah back-hind those bushies. Oh. of course. Those ones you said looked funny. The ones with the tall red spikies. The ones with which you distracted me into tipping the wrong corner. Therefore its your fault we arrive thisly not thus. Spanng! Uh’ should have seen that much sooner. But; you do still want to buy one? Here? How? Oh—they still sell them here? Sey ouy yllaer od’! Wow, sweet. (pump harder please, skipper! Here comes the finish line) (puk) Free frames today if you purchase three. The big ones, too. In stock now. Those rare big ones. Back up, come forward, and this time make (puk) sense (puk puk) puk pu’ p’ make sense, please!
But then better snap-fast!
(bow deeply)
Ha! The roar of the ‘s the roar of the cr’ d’ ‘rowd iarshn compels you sweet (and introducing (in flowy fancy whack-cursive)) yonder Lil’ Jimmy, the Jesusian—prune!
Applause! Applause!
He’s back hot from Big College!
Wow!
Big College!
Ha! Ha! Yah really quite big!
Hah! Really? Ca’ u pinch me u’ ‘y snit?
Off Corsica!
Off Corsica!
Off Corsica!
We think we doobi’ gat it, so.
(lets talk about something else)
D. How to Fail the Small Funeral Business – Stage Two
<poundya yo-yo>
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Bland-mash.
Yasso, Mom Dearsides (unless improperly drained).
Results will be unpredictable, Captain.
Oh, of course.
So, given that; do you still intend to finally sail away?
Yes, do.
Bland-mash.
Bland-mash.
Yes, do.
Bland-mash.
Yes, do, bash-bosh, whoooooooooooooooo! O. Yes bash-bosh ‘n fully reversable lung les’, that lay in their circumferential dance of fat death, hop-stance, ‘n waiting, ‘n waiting up curve, Hey, it is quite late. Don’t you think it is, Donald (if in face one or both o’ them are/is legally named Donald) prohedulahla? Swallong start down shortswall, es ess; inside their boxes panic more panic panic panic panic and panic and pa’ic and an’ and panic d’ ‘nd ‘anic and ‘e ‘nic pan’ ‘nd ‘ani’ a’ ‘ic ‘n’ p’ and ‘a’ a’ ‘ic ‘c nd ‘cc d ‘’ ‘nd and sev’ panic hours’ and panic fear worth of and hours wheeze ‘heez’ ‘ee’ nyuk-no, and; <>=no sue thee lay there in-boxed rot and wilt and quiet and more; more of t’ ‘e same rot and wilt and more and more ‘til; and all just because their tops could not be opened. For want of a bash, their sledges silent forever (send more cops) eh, Michael Tackuella-Pluck? Can you tell us where have they gone, they just walked away, duh? Did you see? And so and so and, he—stated plain; do not rely on no overbuilt suicide diver for your ever living ever alive life as we all look forward to; with a the successful small funeral business running the simultaneously successful shining railtracks beside you both, to boot.
Boot, hevryshing nendz somisdays, not?
Eh, Nancy?
Okay. Oh of course. Then, steered that we (ae) should’n shall go.
By Heaven’s slap-sliver! B’wow! That’s my daw-wog my big terrier that’s my daw-wog my big terrier his nooso see his big wet cold nooso, he y a o I ‘errier oos see ‘ow it crumbles; the future crumbles; when you do it that way, Smee? He do enjoy eating bland-mash. How fortunate! What? O oo. He do enjoy eating bland-mash. How fortunate! But—turns out, it was just a story. Weak one at that. So no one came desiring to buy. So? Oh of course. Just kick in more swag. Course of, oh! Ruck-ruck-ruck, sackies. Oh, but of course we snuck in fast, bid down cheap, and; snapped this plash up in a flash. Yes? Who? Mantis? Okay. h-h-h-h-hold it, hold; wait, Petunia. This is against the law.
Crap!
<Oh>! <oH>? <OH>!? <oh>?!
N-rshi na-shi nar-hi, plain prisoner, maybe—hold it! Hold what? Ne nier. What’s that? That get up? In where and in where and in what hell it is? Niest iest ier ie I ihsran=narshu <plain> My hippo! My sweet! I been looking for you, where oh where, get up, damned hell ‘lla hell up! I been beating down bushes beating fla’ busheezies you could have called why didn’t you call eh eh eh I couldn’t call well, I , ieeee, there’s really no reason but I wish I’d never met you pal!
But.
Well you did meet me, and that’s that, so, now you owe me no father no no mother no no they I should owe and I don’t so what the hell hillo la hillie’d you have to do with bringing all these me’s myselves and I’s about—honey! The darkened box cleared and in there they. Were—dead as this here bent nail. They were pan’ no I don’t ‘nd ‘ani’ a’ ‘ic ‘n’ want to dissolve but p’ and ‘a’ a’ ‘ic ‘c nd ‘cc d ‘’ ‘nd I think I am yes and sev’ panic hours’ I felt I was dissolved ‘n panic fear worth of and hours wheeze ‘heez’ ‘ee’ nyuk-no, dissolve an’ ‘issiolv’ a’ ‘ssiol’ ssiol ssiol sio less sio’ll gone up down empty damned too quiet of a commercially entombed entombment place-named real place.
Hot giggitry!
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E. After Failing the Small Funeral Business
Let me tell you straight, come on, sit here—here. After yes after all yes all after all. Here. Let’s start at your front. After no after all no all, after all dis dat udderly preshious docker-degree nailed over wall after wall after. Sheepskins for sheep! la la la ! Duke! Problem! No, say you’ll reply will you how know I bet I and asked first than time your of more much so up give to you of great so s’ it. Here is the card of a Doctor Nebulette. Grand at loss counseling. Gok. Goodbye. Chest problem? Try hot water. The very use of her wicked millionaire’s likely got you and yours strained all the way down.
Hey. We’re all human.
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Thank you, Doctor, for taking time to come speak to us today.
You’re welcome. Good-bye—and may you enjoy a profitable day.
