Charity

Charity pulled her pistol from her holster, aimed, fired. Her concentration (or was it reluctance?) seemed to require far too much time. Charity, our officer, ordinarily cheery Thalia, one of three Graces, a mom who runs Safety Town, summers on the playground, came when called, came with bullets in her gun.

Inside, my wife governed a raucous birthday party, distracted wild, sticky nine-year-olds with games and cake and kept them clear of windows. Outside, a doe lost all grace, flopped helplessly in our yard beneath the apple tree, her hind leg bent, merely touched by a truck. Usually, her lean, sienna flanks flashed across the lawn, leapt over fences with fawns. Our apples, old, delicious Jonathans, the deer’s delicacy, too near Berlin Road, I’ll cut the tree down.

Inside, kids oblivious, outside, Charity and I shared an intimate glance of regret, this death a loss of elegance. Charity’s gun snapped three times, a jarring, contradictory violence. In her report, Charity accounted for each bullet.

Rod

A neighbor of sorts – office next door, we shared a wall.

A seemingly amiable fellow who lectured on Respiratory Care,

Rod with the Tennessee drawl and folksy anecdotes,

Who drove a pick-up, donned scuffed cowboy boots,

Who voted Republican every damn election – though he wouldn’t fess up,

Whose schizophrenic grandson caused him to see a few things differently,

Rod, the odious, chauvinist, good-ol’-boy bastard who harassed Robin,

Who made her life a living hell until she quit

(I gave her a pill to calm down. Simply listening and nodding was useless. There’s my regret.),

Rod, who, I am unsure why, I treated decently despite our vast differences, didn’t come to work.

A stroke. I sent a card, asked after him. I heard, “Home, therapy, retirement.” That’s that. Though my neighbor, I didn’t pay him a visit, an appalling indifference.

Why needlessly confront mortality with simple courtesy?

It appears my love is not yet unconditional.

David Sapp, writer and artist, lives along the southern shore of Lake Erie in North America. A Pushcart nominee, he was awarded Ohio Arts Council Individual Excellence Grants for poetry and the visual arts. His poetry and prose appear widely in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom. His publications include articles in the Journal of Creative Behavior, chapbooks Close to Home and Two Buddha, a novel Flying Over Erie, and a book of poems and drawings titled Drawing Nirvana.

LIFE AND LITERATURE…

Aruz—like a soldier, firm in his stance,

Hijās chase each step, a tireless advance.

In syllabic verse, your fingers may stray,

Yet in haikus, thoughts thread their way…

Each day, your mind races, lost in its track,

Life—a strange script, with scenes thrown back;

Joy—a butterfly, light on its wings,

Grief—like literature, deep sorrow it brings…

Each fleeting moment—a novel so vast,

A film whose script on your forehead is cast.

You—a mere actor, fate-bound and grim,

Each wound—a lesson that seeps deep within…

As you live on, you shall slowly discern

Life’s aruz beats and syllabic turns.

Grand eras revolve, vast and profound,

Dramas and satires, where echoes resound…

Aruz’s pursuit teaches firm resolve,

Syllabic verse finds balance involved.

Should emotions surge, leaving you drained,

Should illness clutch you, weary and pained—

Then read, like blossoms, in wintertime bold,

A haiku’s wisdom, centuries old.

For life, the wise teacher, brief in its say,

May whisper its truths through haikus one day…

Shamsiya Khudoynazarova Turumovna (February 15, 1973) was born in Uzbekistan. Studied at the Faculty of Journalism of Tashkent State University (1992-1998). She took first place in the competition of young republican poets (1999). Four collections of poems have been published in Uzbekistan: “Leaf of the Heart” (1998), “Roads to You” (1998), “The Sky in My Chest” (2007), “Lovely Melodies” (2013). She wrote poetry in more than ten genres. She translated some Russian and Turkish poets into Uzbek, as well as a book by Yunus Emro. She lived as a political immigrant with her family for five years in Turkey.

A Letter to My Favorite Drug

Accustomed to ending the day on a high note

In the most artificial way possible,

Rising up out of my body

Through elevated corporal cravings.

But sometimes you show up and disrupt

My habitual rituals of obituary-courting,

Your sheer presence rendering me euphoric

Before you’ve spoken a single word.

Yes, the freedom to converse through silence

Is a most precious one indeed,

Raising and lowering my blood pressure

With simultaneous tenderness.

Three hours seem like one

Which of course is not enough

To savor the indispensably insignificant details,

The essential nonessentials.

Go to bed later, wake up earlier,

Energized by our low-energy synergy

And wishing I could imbibe your magic potion

Every day of the week.

The Silence In Between

Woke up at 1 AM

To a cacophony of moans

Almost shattering the window

With operatic decibels.

Good for them,

Bad for me

Still barely fresh

From a pre-sleep fantasy.

Calculated their level of closeness

By listening for the silence in between,

The vulnerable moment

When the script turns into improv.

Shower came on quick enough;

Must have been successful

And a little bit stressful

Remembering each other’s names.

Then a sequel session

Shook the walls once more

But I stopped keeping score

Certain it would end with a closed door.

Nearby Farness

Hoodie to the left, hoodie to the right,

Shields against peripheral vision

So that beauty stays a question mark

Instead of a period.

Better to be trusted than loved

Although it’s nice if you can be both,

Blessed with distant proximity

And nearby farness.

Crumbs of conversation

Scattered in an imaginary forest

Where people require other people

To find their way back home.

Some get their kicks on what-if situations,

Taking communion at the Church of Friday Night

In which bartenders consecrate a glass of California wine

While choirs sing “Sweet Caroline” with no-strings-attached ecstasy.

Others brand themselves as stubborn dreamers

Refusing to search for what refuses to approach them

Without considering the possibility

They’re too well-hidden to be found.

Hoodie up above, hoodie down below,

Angels and mortals locked in a staring contest

Destined to continue for eternity

Since they’re both afraid of flashing their eyes.

Showed Promise

Stumbled across the obituary at precisely 12:00,

The usual time for mid-year New Year’s resolutions

As the drunkenness turns to queasiness

And the pleasure starts to sting.

26 and two days counting;

Didn’t even have the glory of 27,

Just a halfway thought-out header

That read, “Showed Promise.”

Showed promise for what exactly?

Capitalistic success?

Perhaps a Wikipedia page

Or picture on a restaurant wall?

Anyhow, it didn’t matter;

Whatever promise was shown had faded

Unless there was an accompanying suicide note

To inspire posthumous adulation.

Wandered to the cemetery the next morning,

Paid respects from a stranger

Which are sometimes sincerer

Than the rehearsed well-wishes of a friend.

Assured him he was more

Than what he had not yet become

And that what he already was

Was all he ever needed to be.

Big Sister

The tiny head had been there for more than an hour

And would likely remain until the train stopped,

Ejecting them both onto a crowded platform

Full of 9-to-5 fighters and 5-to-9 nurturers.

She of course belonged to the latter group,

An invisible angel seen as just another tired face

Accustomed to questions and quests for answers

That even her parents couldn’t fulfill.

Tried to hide the number of times she cried in a day,

Microchipping Kleenex into her eyes

But was frequently met by the sudden surprise

Of an old lady staring sympathetically.

No sympathy was required though,

No hand-me-down advice;

The source of her fragility

Was also the source of her strength.

Which didn’t stop her from doubting

The legitimacy of that tiny head

Gracing her shoulders with trust

She feared she couldn’t live up to.

*PEACE ANTHEM* 

_With breath, tucked back into her mouth,_ 

 _A sister opens her heart to photograph_ 

 _The bullet she holds on the chest_

 _With grief, mixed in her coffee mug,_ 

 _We saw her veins, hemorrhaging._

 _Same as home, carrying weight of dead soldiers_

 _With darkness in our lives,_ 

 _Bandits visit our homes to build us a prison on our minds_ 

 _& with faces we mourn,_ 

 _There are countless people coming_ 

 _To pass through this gate of grief_

 _& With God on our lips,_ 

 _We’ll water the flowers again,_ 

 _With hope, love, a whisper, a plea for peace._

Rahmat A Muhammad is a poet from northern Nigeria.

April

“Help me, God,” he muttered under his breath as he wiped his clean-shaven face with large hands. Eddie knew he hadn’t lost his mind. Hadn’t the county shrink declared him fit to stand trial? Branded with a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder, Eddie had languished in lockup since last year, awaiting trial. He had also, inexplicably to him, been declared a flight risk, when in fact he had no money, not even a car. He couldn’t make bail. When he was a young teen, he had spent time in juvenile detention for such offenses as panhandling, wandering around without proper ID, trespassing, and the like. But this was so different. It was, his lawyer had told him, deadly serious. He may have ASPD, but still he would face the music for his most serious alleged misdeed yet: rape.

Her name was April. She was beautiful, with long, supple, athletic legs and blond tresses that spilled down past her shoulders and ample breasts. She had a bronzed, radiant complexion from basking under the Georgia sun for all the world to see. Eddie had spied her clandestinely many times but had been afraid to approach her. She lived four houses down from him, in a large, two story home that was painted dark blue and was known throughout the neighborhood as the Blue House. Her parents were attorneys or something, and away a lot.

Eddie wasn’t clever with words and didn’t know how to be cool with a woman the way his friends could. In her yard, April wore a string bikini that showed darn near everything, almost revealing her private parts. This made Eddie uncomfortable at first, but he overcame his discomfort as he got to know her. Unlike most people he knew, April talked to him, not at him, and asked him about his life and what he liked to do when he wasn’t working at the restaurant where she also worked. So at first he made stuff up to make himself sound more interesting. He liked to skydive and hunt bears in the wild, he told her. She told him she didn’t like guns or hunting, and he told her he wouldn’t do it anymore. As he grew to know her better, Eddie came clean and told April that he didn’t know how to skydive and didn’t even own a gun, much less hunt.

“I knew you were fibbing, Eddie,” she said with that laugh that sounded like ice tinkling in a glass. April wore pale pink lipstick on her rosebud lips. Eddie loved her lips and longed to kiss them. He’d never kissed a woman other than Aunt Trudy, with whom he lived. April might have thought there was something wrong with him because he didn’t really know how to kiss, but no. She was patient with him; she showed him how to pucker his lips, lean into the kiss, and relax.

“Put your arms around me, Eddie. Put your hands on my hips; that’s right.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he protested. She laughed, but not at him.

“I’m not made of glass,” she told him. He took a great breath. He instinctively trusted her. Unlike a lot of the people Eddie had met, April hadn’t a mean bone in her body. Other people called him retard or stupid, and made him feel ashamed. She liked Eddie; he could tell. And he was soon crazy in love with her. They began to spend long hours together when they weren’t working and when April wasn’t in school. She told Eddie that she worked hard at her studies.

“I don’t want to work in a restaurant my whole life,” she said. Neither did Eddie, but he’d worked there for ten years, since he was sixteen, and had dropped out of the special school; he didn’t know what else he might do. April encouraged him to become a student like her, but he didn’t know. He’d never been that bright in school. Always self-effacing, he repeatedly put himself down.

“You’re not stupid!” she told him pointedly, almost losing her temper.

“But you study calculus. I can barely do fractions,” he replied honestly.

“Go to the library and get a book on math, and we’ll work on it together,” she insisted. “I’ll prove you’re smart.” So he did, and it worked out beautifully. Before he knew it, she was teaching him algebra. Eventually, Eddie’s feelings towards April began to evolve; he became more focused on her, more possessive, and more committed. He discovered, to his surprise, that he wanted a life with this wonderful woman. Best of all, she seemed to feel the same way.

“Oh, Eddie, I can’t wait to make love to you,” she said unexpectedly one day after work. They were alone in her bedroom at the Blue House and, following her shower, she wore nothing but a thin robe, green like her eyes, Eddie flushed, embarrassed but in the same frame of mind. Eddie, of course, had never made love to anyone. What if he couldn’t do it? he wondered. All those ads on TV about ED and everything. Maybe, he thought, he should get some pills, but he’d be too embarrassed to ask for them. What if he let April down? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself. He’d have to quit his job at the restaurant and hide away in shame. He began to hyperventilate. April touched his arm. Her hand felt warm.

“I think you’d make a wonderful lover, Eddie,” she told him. She looked straight into his eyes, and again, he believed her.

“Have you ever…” he began.

She smiled. “Of course,” she said gently. He stared at her in awe. “Eddie, I’ll teach you everything I know. “It’ll be like the fractions,” she said lightly. “Only more fun.” Whatever April told him, Eddie believed.

During his time in jail, men had approached him and wanted to have sex with him, but Eddie was a large man and very strong. So far, they had kept their distance. Most of the time he was kept in solitary because of the seething hatred the other inmates had for rapists. How were they any better? he wondered. In lockup, Eddie wasn’t called by his name but rather “chomo,” whatever that was supposed to mean.

Finally, one afternoon, they did it—they made love in April’s bed. Eddie had been afraid to reveal his body, feeling self-conscious about his appearance, but April was impressed with his physique.

“Ooh, Eddie, you have a fantastic body,” said April with a delighted squeal, running her hand down his chest. Eddie had lifted weights for ten years because he liked to be strong, but he had never thought much about how he looked. He smiled. April was a skilled lover, thought Eddie. She knew just what to do; she never hurried him, and their bodies melded into one. She was like a force of nature. This was but the first of many times.

It all came to a tragic end one day when Eliza, a friend of April’s, entered the Blue House uninvited and stole up the stairs to April’s bedroom. There she spotted the two lovers, wrapped in each other’s arms and fast asleep. Soon, a tender secret became town gossip and then common knowledge. April’s parents were stunned. Authorities were summoned, an arrest made and charges filed.. Eddie, impoverished, was accorded only a public defender.

So Eddie had spent the ensuing nine months locked away in jail, awaiting trial, his aunt and his attorney his only visitors. He stood in his cell, his large, powerful fists rigidly gripping the bars. He hadn’t known that what he was doing was wrong. To him it had been about love. His mind drifted back to April; the worst part of his incarceration was his isolation from the woman that he adored. Just two days from now, he knew, would be April’s birthday; she would then turn seventeen. Eddie had never before even heard of statutory rape.

…

Pavers (What To Do If You’re Not Cormac McCarthy)

Just walk the stones. I think it’s a nice path, and especially in lieu of the winter snow and ice and wind. See, they have gone over it with a Bobcat machine and ploughed the way. I think I even saw salt. It’s important. Like water or light or such. I go slow, slower than average. Think thoughts, whatever thoughts, and for a second because if the paver stones I remember that Cormac McCarthy said prostitution was not the oldest profession because the first thing anyone did was stonework, was laying a stone upon a stone.

What do I know though?

Continuing there is a bridge and a blackbird. The bird disappears and the bridge remains. Calm. It becomes for a time calm there. I think already that I will have to come back. Whatever I encounter after the first half, that initial twenty minutes or half-hour, is worth it. Another bridge and the off-path area is manageable then for people have walked it. Maybe the kind man in snowshoes, a few dog walkers, a couple simple friendly types who get fresh air and exercise…whatever the case, enough so that’s it’s compacted and not too rough. 

I choose to go along and know that up some hills and then down some more, it will connect with the brick path again. Bricks are also known as ‘pavers,’ and they usually are laid on compacted limestone then sand is put atop and swept in. The sides often have cuts that are done with a proper machine and someone that knows what they are doing. Sometimes a ‘re-lay,’ is needed if water or just time shifts some stones. There are different designs beginning with a standard lay to more intricate patterns. Tera cotta or blue seem to be nice colours, the path then containing lots of blue and some grey. Around here beyond the path people choose just grey though. It’s not horrible, but lacks character and everything appears too uniform.

That’s the way I see it anyhow. 

There is a stream, making a sound as the thawing water moves along. Then a winding way up the first hill, a straight way up another second and higher hill. From there much can be seen, and it’s bright and clean and open. I can hear car traffic in the far distance somewhere but the world is not inhabited by me then, which is a nice break, akin to a meditation or at least small spiritual sojourn. 

We can’t all go to Bali or The Himalayas or The River Ganges.  

There is a time from the outer world and the inner world both that dictates its halfway through and I that must begin heading back. That time comes near a bench I don’t sit on. I walk down and admire another bridge but take the longer way around, eventually entering onto the main path of pavers again. I remember that Eckhart Tolle mentioned somewhere that your mind will feel more at ease for what it’s worth, when you physically enter a manufactured set of lines and walls. This seems anathema or at least contradictory to the whole point of nature walking, of people forever having sought out mountains, deserts, pastoral plains and fields, river and stream, and the entirety of the surrounding oneself with the sanctuary of sanguine and even sacrosanct nature. 

Go figure. 

But, there is some weird truth to it. My feet on the pavers feel better and I’m glad to be back on an actual path. It just is what it is. I go around a big bend slowly and see nature but also tall hydro lines and neither startles or bothers me. It’s almost time to go to the final stretch to the vehicle and then home. It will be a success, for what it’s worth, and the worth is invisible to societal mores and distinctions but apparent to me. Why? Because I have moved and breathed fresh air and gotten if even vaguely, the beginning ideas for certain words or stories. Not everyone can be Cormac McCarthy, and the Tao itself mentions that they will laugh but it wouldn’t be the true Tao if they didn’t. Yes, the most one can do is sometimes walk the stones and write some poems, being as content as possible with oneself. If there is deep snow everywhere, try and find some pavers that have been cleared and follow them.