Mortality
I have the body of a twenty year old.
I keep it in the refrigerator for midnight snacks.
I was worried when I was told that I was in room 205 at the hospital.
When I checked in the room, I found out that it was someone else.
I don’t want to die with my boots on.
Because I don’t wear boots to bed.
I check the obituaries before I get out of bed.
If I am in them there is no reason to get out of bed.
I heard someone about my size and age had died on a bicycle.
I was worried until I remembered that I didn’t have a bike.
I want to die in my sleep like Uncle Fred –
Unlike the people in the house he burned down after blocking the doors.
I don’t want to die in the saddle.
So I avoid horses and tack shops.
Appears in Short Humour Health Survey
A few years ago I got a letter from my health care provider that I would get a phone survey in a few days. Sure enough, I did.
It started with some questions about physical ability, such as “Can you walk across the room?” The mental ones followed. “Do you think that people are after you?” Since I didn’t want the questioner to join the gang that was pursuing me, I said no.
My favorite question was next “Do you think that you have superpowers?”
A few minutes later after an extended period of rolling around the floor laughing, I said no again, because I didn’t want my secret identity revealed.
The questions and answers are largely true.
Appears in Short Humour Sleep
I was awakened about 3am by kitchen noise. My young, beautiful blonde wife came back to our bedroom with a butcher knife and said “I’m going to kill you.” I jumped out of bed and ran out of the room to get my gun. As she rushed me, I shot her in the heart. I went back to sleep and found out the next morning, everything was normal. We were old and alive again.
Appears in Medium Killer
The man in the dark knee length trench coat had travelled miles from his home on that moonlit night. He knew his way well from experience. His luck was good as always, there was a couple in a new sedan, her with her hand in his lap, kissing him on the face. Perfect.
He pulled open the door and as she pulled away from the man he saw the blade in the man’s chest. Next, he was in the street bleeding out. She smiled down at him “You thought that you were the only serial killer in town”.
Appears in Detritus
Date
I tried to get a date with the girl at the grocery store. Because I was a little nervous and wasn't ready, I asked where the bananas and apples were. She said "aisle 26". Ashamed of my cowardice, I got a cart and picked up some bananas and apples.
I got up my courage to ask her out, so when I saw that no one else was in line, I boldly asked "Now, how about a date."
She said "Aisle 15".
Appears in 81 Word Found and Lost
I’d seen her at the bar at least twenty times before. This time I told her “There are better drinks at my place. Please join me.”
She followed me to my apartment. After a round, she walked into my bedroom. When I followed her, I saw one of the few women who looked better naked than dressed. She told me what she wanted; I did my best to deliver, and enjoyed every minute of it.
The next day I went back to the bar. Everyone there claimed that no one like her had ever been there. I doubt my sanity.
Appears in Detritus and A Story in 100 Words
Myth
A bunch of them broke into my home shouting gibberish while I was sleeping. I awoke and tried to get them to leave, but they pointed odd looking weapons at me. I had no choice but to fire my lasers at them. Until now, I thought humans were a myth.
Appears in 50 Words Give Or Take and 50 Word Stories Cage
The town came to the zoo based on the promise of a special exhibit of animals captured with great difficulty. The audience was truly impressed.
“My god, they are ten times our size.”
“They are bellowing so loud they can be heard ten towns a way. The shrieking hurts my ears and might leave me deaf.”
Despite their fear the people stuck around, mesmerized by the crazed beasts. They trusted the extra thick bars in the cage.
Their trust was ill-advised. The humans broke out of the cage and stomped the crowd into the ground. Three thousand Xanians died painfully.
Appears in A Story In 100 Words Lost
I looked at the squirrel and wondered if I could eat it raw. I don’t know how to start a fire and probably couldn’t catch it anyhow. My wife, what’s her name, always threatened to abandon me in the woods when I became demented, but I didn’t believe it.
Appears in 50 Give Or Take In Tents
“This abandoned road looks really creepy. Are you sure we’ll be safe camping out here?”
“Not to worry Sally. My gang used to camp here regularly. There are no scary animals. The biggest around here is the chipmunks.”
After Duke set up the tent and Sally fixed food, they went to bed early. “Can you relax now Sally? See, it is completely safe.”
“I don’t think that you have relaxing on your mind, not that I disagree.”
They stop what they are doing when they hear something tearing.
Duke yelled “It’s coming from under the tent and it’s bloody huge!”
Appears in A 100 Word Story Nature
“Hey babe, let’s go camping this weekend. I want to get us all alone for a big surprise. It’s a secret location, so don’t tell anyone what we are doing.”
She asked “Is this place safe? I don’t want to get lost or get eaten by some big wild animal.”
“There is nothing to worry about, I’ve checked it out. You’ll be safe.”
Later at night in the tent she said “Honey, I’m so glad you thought of this” as she caressed his side, “this works out great for me”. Her nails and toes turned into talons as he screamed.”
Appears in Siren’s Call ezine “Guess My Age”
The live in editor and I play a game “Guess My Age”. At first I hold a towel over my face and ask “How old am I”.
Editor “50”.
I take the towel away. “80”.
“That’s not fair, you must guess younger than my real age.”
In hopes of a better result, I drop my pants.
“Now how old am?”
“Twelve. I hope you grow up, that’s pathetic.”
I should learn not to ask questions unless I’m ready for the answer.
Appears in Short Humour and Writer’sEgg Legal
January 18 Jack told his wife Jan that she had gained a few pounds. Why couldn’t she be skinny like her younger sister Jean? February 10 he stayed out until after 2AM, came home drunk and drove the car into the garage. March 3, Jan found her sister in bed with Jack. The jury of twelve women ruled Jack’s death justifiable homicide on June 2. Five days later Jan married her brilliant lawyer, Frank Webster. When asked what he was doing, Frank said “Sure she’s a murderer, but look at that body. Anyway, now I know what not to do.”
Appears in A Story In A 100 Words
Untethered
Odd remembrances haunt my lazy brain unbidden at odd times. Family legend has me nearly drowning after falling out of a boat when very young. The woman who is now great grandmother and widow that I made out with in my car sixty years ago. A small clothing store that I walked past in West Portland fifty plus years ago. Now there is a freeway where it was. I think it was small, isolated and named Mode O’Day. The traumatized beauty that abruptly rejected me while in college. Did she ever care for me, or was it completely one sided?
Appears in A Story In 100 Words Stranger One
One day a few years back I accompanied spouse and editor (same person) while she went shopping at the Albertsons a few blocks away. I would wander aimlessly if I went with her, so I sat in a chair outside. An average looking and dressing man walked up and sat beside me. I feared he would talk religion or politics, but the conversation was banal to the point that I don’t remember it. He walked away. It seemed that he disappeared, but he probably entered the store or turned a corner. I wonder why he chose to sit beside me.
Appears in A Story In 100 Words Stranger Two
As a teenager, I was walking through Northeast Portland to get to a friend’s house. At the time, I had no car or drivers license. A male driver, a bit older than me pulled up and asked something like “Do I know you?” I didn’t and told him so. He wanted to know if I wanted a ride. It was nice weather and I enjoyed walking. I was a bit nervous and passed. Years later I wonder what the driver had in mind and if I really looked like someone he knew or if that was just a pickup line.
Not published
Errands
“Sorry I’m late hun. I had some errands to run after work”.
“You must be beat. Let me get you a drink.”
“I’m also a little spooked. I had the feeling I was being followed.”
“That was me following you on your way to your errands’ apartment. Like your drink?”
Appears In 50 Word Stories
