Thirty-Six

Given Twice

If I had anything

I wanted to

fix,

I would have

by now.

Thirty-six.

Im just old

enough,

to reminisce

about the something

I thought I was,

now this.

Im on fire

in amber light,

Im looking, even

though I cannot see.

High like a balloon

Considering everything I could

Be. Maybe.

Probably

not.

I understand enough

to know

I dont.

I know whats wrong

that

doesn’t mean

I wont.

Icarus

Given Twice

Leave it to me to go playing with fire.

Like I exist outside the laws of things.

what did the last year teach you if not the laws of things. The price of things. The value of things.

Disease. Unease. Disordered. Confined. And bordered.

I laughed and quipped “You never know if you’re Icarus until it’s too late. You only know you’re Icarus after you’re Icarus. It’s a goddamn shame.”

And here I am motherfucker. Singed wings unmistakably redolent of death and burnt hair. The stench of fallen hubris. The stink of reality fermenting while you thought, what? The ideal was not only real, but evergreen?

I’ve lost everything that counts, but I’ve never been richer materially.

The fucks that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to believe? Believe me? Who even is me anymore?

Nobody cares and cares even less about reality.

I don’t want to be here, and when I get to some other where, I’m not sure I’ll be there to enjoy it.

I always over deliver because I underpromise. Disappoint. Never. I’d rather be dead.

Like I am.

I cant even cry.

Mourning the things of me that never really happened. The life in me that never really lived.

Sorrow, deep subterranean sorrow, for the unlived.

I feel the life that died in me slowly exposed, some strange unfavorable wind sweeping the dirt from what I’d prefer to stay buried.

Why understand now, just when I overstand completely?

Time used me. It didn’t have to. Not necessity. Not luxury. Novelty is too endearing.

Just tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, without a boom.

Only a thud that nobody heard.

I’m bored. I’m jagged. I’m looking for a buzz.

I fucked up once, and watched my own heart stop.

I’ve been everywhere looking for that feeling since.

Love Don’t

Given Twice

Love holds up the mirror to me

Love displays me beautifully

Love gets the best of me

Love gets the beast of me

Dont you ever fucking leave me

Dont you ever disturb me

Dont you ever wake me

Dont you ever shake my fragile dream

Love is a gateway

Love is a plaything

Love is a melee

Love is a slow tragedy

Dont you break me

Dont betray me

Dont delay me

Dont——

Just portray me sweetly

Given Twice is a writer and entrepreneur in Washington. He has spent his life writing as a means of maximizing honesty. His work explores dissociation, mental illness, romanticism, and the distance between who we present and who we are. In his words: ‘I haven’t been appearing normal. I’ve just been so fucking useful that nobody could make a valid claim against my invalidity.’