Stephen Miller Dishes the Dirt on the Controversial New Trump Arch
On Friday, deputy White House chief of staff Stephen Miller met with reporters to give the low down on the proposed Donald J. Trump Independence Arch. Comparisons with the world famous Arc de Triomphe, in Paris, have led to designating the new arch as the Arc de Trump.
Miller drew parallels between the French arch and the Trump Monument. To begin with, the Arc de Triomphe was conceived in 1806, after the victory at Austerlitz by Emperor Napoleon at the peak of his fortunes.
Trump’s arch will mark a victory as well, said Miller. “It will celebrate The Dear Leader’s victory over the goddamned Democrat Party,” shouted Miller, interviewed at the construction site of the proposed monument, on a Washington roundabout across from the Lincoln Memorial.
Asked if the design had been finalized, Miller grew cagey and said that the “final dimensions could change at any moment.” Although the proposed Arc de Trump, at 250 feet, is almost 90 feet taller than the Arc de Triomphe, Miller called attention to the Gateway Arch, built in the mid-1960s.
Originally known as the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial and erected along the Mississippi River in St. Louis, Missouri, it was built to mark the expedition of Lewis & Clark in 1804.
“The St. Louis Arch,” snarled Miller, grinding his teeth, “is effin’ 630 feet tall and somehow it doesn’t seem right that the president’s arch should be smaller. I mean, who the hell were Lewis & Clark and Thomas Jefferson anyway?”
Miller said he has become quite an expert on arches over the past year that consideration has been given to the project. He explained that the Paris arch is a typical triumphal arch, which is a monumental, free-standing archway. It often spans a road. It’s origins date to ancient Roman architecture.
The Gateway Arch, in St. Louis, Miller explained, is built in the form of a weighted catenary arch. It is the world’s tallest arch, a fact which does not sit well with Miller. Miller has chosen a different template for the Arc de Trump.
“Our arch,” boasted Miller, “will be modeled after the Golden Arches in the McDonald’s restaurant logo. While McDonald’s dropped the physical arches from nearly all of its restaurants many years ago, the Golden Arches have remained in the logo, and as a commonly understood term for the company.”
President Trump has a well known fondness for McDonald’s sandwiches. Miller went into greater detail about the origins of McDonald’s arches. “The McDonald’s logo was established in the 1960s on advice from psychologist Louis Cheskin.
“Cheskin likened the arches to ‘mother McDonald’s breasts,’ invoking Freudian elements for consumers. President Trump is very much into female breasts,” declared Miller proudly.
And whereas the Arc de Triompe is composed of limestone, and the St. Louis Arch is made from stainless steel, here again Trump opts to be different. “The Arc de Trump,” said Miller, “will be made of gold.”
He hastened to add that it would not be gold through and through, but rather, gold-plated. If the final version of the Arc de Trump is in fact equal in size to the Gateway Arch, then it will require some 3,840 pounds of pure gold.
And with gold running to $29,560 per pound, this means that gold-plating the arch will cost $1.13 billion and change. “It will all be paid for by GOP donors,” Miller hastened to add, “so it won’t cost the American citizens a penny.” Miller was asked if possible vandalism of the gold-plated monument was a concern.
“Got it covered,” snapped Miller, pausing to point and laugh at a stray dog that was run over by an ICE vehicle on Memorial Drive. Miller immediately came back to Earth, describing in detail the turrets which will be appended to the arch. “Sharpshooters will take care of any mischief makers,” he said soberly.
As the press event began to wind down, Miller noted that the Arc de Triomphe has a staircase extending to the top of the French monument. “There are 284 steps leading upwards,” said Miller, who went on to say that the Arc de Triomphe would have not stairs, but a golden escalator to the top. “First class all the way,” boasted the Reichsfuhrer, crushing an anthill under his jackboot.